This makes me very jealous! ... Look at all those dudes with our gorgeous Mell :(( But she did invite me, so I can't really complain.

My blog resolution for 2007 is to open up a bit. In Company Law there is the concept of the Corporate Veil. How we laughed when one professor said -- It is only in circumstances where the bonafides have to be established that the courts can rend the veil torn!

Why have I never revealed my identity? Primarily because I do not want my office colleagues or anybody from the family or even real-life friends for that matter landing up here. I like to keep his aspect of my life separate from every other. That is also why I have desisted from meeting fellow bloggers. I remember the first time PB phoned from Calcutta and my dad looked at me with suspicion and said, who is that girl?? If I had to say she's a friend from Calcutta, he'd probably think I was a member of some shady adult dating site and cut off my internet.

But you have a problem when you want someone from work or your family/friends to read your blog. How do you get that person to keep it to themselves? Very difficult. It's hard as it is to keep anything secret on the internet. If my brother could land up here, anybody can .... bludy fellow was reading all my shit on the sly for months till I tracked him down!

So that's it. Lots of changes planned for '07 - you'll see them as they unfold. Btw, anybody keen on designing a new template for me? I'm sick to death of this one.

Last post of '06, this is. I'm off to bring in the new year with all my cousins. 2006 delivered on a lot of things 2005 promised to and failed. Here's to 2007!

This is Desiree ... have a great year y'all.



Peace, love, and a fresh coat of paint!

Recent keyword searches leading to the Blues.

alyster pereira
Wonder what happened to Alyster. Don't think he made bail .... Or did dad pull a few strings as a result of which our boy is now safe at home, grounded till Christmas.

sania boobs
This one's pretty much there every time I look up the stats. But the girl does have a prominent pair of lady-bumps, so you can't really blame the boys for getting excited.

richard bach taught to fly
Richard Bach. What's he up to these days? Probably has had enough of his own wisdom.

jazz house goa
Jazz House (on Candolim-Aguada Road) bludy sucks. When it started it was great ... but when I went there with Jules this May there was some Goan pedro playing Michael Learns to Rock numbers on his casio.

candy dolpher
Oh I love Candy .... best female saxophone player ever. And the name's Dulfer, not Dolpher. She became famous after she played on a track called Lily was here with Dave Stewart (of the Eurythmics).

b-grade hindimovies sex
I've never seen a B-grade Hindi movie, you know .... and if the A-grade's are so bad, I can just imagine what the B's must be like. I hear they're quite popular in places like UP though, which is where most of the despo's can be found. But do they really have sex in them?

blogspot saltwater blues
Another one I see all the time. Hence I want to ask the person who comes here by typing the above in his/her searchbar -- do you do this for every website you visit? There is something known as 'favourites' you know ... makes life a lot easier.

nandan nilekani's daughter
... is she hot?

r.e.m. unplugged download
go buy the CD, you lousy free(down)loader. Michael Stipes has to work very hard for his money.

shahrukh double chin
Even if he has one, he probably goes to France every two months to get it fixed ... along with the wrinkles and the warts on his bum.

mallu girls for sex in dubai
Mr. Cherian!!! - you should be ashamed of yourself .... poor Leelama and the kutty's haven't seen you in three years and this is what you're doing in your spare time, you perverted patti!!

myspace sivamani
Sivamani, the percussionist? ... He can write??

salt water blues
People please note -- its 'saltwater' (one word), not salt water.

natasha jog, ndtv
Natasha Jog - she's nice, but my favourite NDTV anchor these days is the cherubic Smriti Rao. Had a crush on her ever since her Headlines Today days ... which in fact was the only reason I used to watch Headlines Today. But bludy Prannoy just had to have her, didn't he? And she looked a lot better then than she does now on NDTV - too much make up. They turn her into a Bombay bar-girl sometimes with that dark-red lipstick and all.

And finally, one that I don't quite know what to make of ... people do searches for the weirdest things, don't they? Anyway I'm gonna ask all you spicy brains to contribute here.

you know youre mallu if

let's see now -- If you're six and there's nothing you want more desperately than to change your name! (that's what my friend Renji said when asked what he'd wish for if he was granted one wish)

This is Lily was here with the lovely and extremely talented Candy Dulfer on sax. Ever noticed how lovely always precedes extremely talented? :)

I reckon it might be wise for Greg Chappell to take a little vacation after this current tour of South Africa .... I bet some crazed cricket fan(atic)s back home have already got their version of a fatwa out on him.

***

Papers are full of stories on the Bachchans visit to Varanasi. And the little matter of Ash accompanying them. Rumours abound ... CNN IBN is quoting some astrologer as saying that 'the family had gone there to offer prayers at the temples to overcome a problem relating to the horoscope of Aishwarya'

Now let me get this right? From what I know, if your horoscopes don't match, they don't match - end of story. Or is that by offering prayers (and a sizeable donation perhaps) at a particular temple you can somehow get the planets to present a more favourable version?

And why on earth is Babyshek so miffed over his lady-love's little chummi in Dhoom2? To think she was being considered for a Bond movie .... He'd have had bludy 007 killed if that had happened!

Anyway, from now on our hero Rhithik better think twice before kissing someone's ash!

***

Shahrukh hosting KBC 3 will be a good change, what say? ... His first guest should be Karan.

Ohhh babe, this seat is sooooo hot ... chalo kuch kartein na!

Abbe not now ... wait till we get in the car

Bitch you always make me wait :(

Ab pehla sawaal, one thousand rupees ke liye -- What colour undies does Shahrukh wear in Don -- (a) Blue (b) Green (c) White; or (d) Rainbow?

(d) Rainbow!

Sahi jawaaj, aap ek hazaar jeet gaye. But how did you know??

I have them here in my pocket! :)

For S ... Happy Birthday!

if you can't find
what you're looking for
look again
at what you've found

Interesting article in Edge 182 by Dan Gilbert called The Science of Happiness. I reproduce a litle of it here. Tell me what you think.

For the last decade I've been obsessed with one problem: How well can the human brain predict the sources of its own future satisfaction? If the answer were "Very well, thank you," then I'd be out of a job. Research suggests that I will be employed for a long time to come.

We are often quite poor at predicting what will make us happy in the future for two reasons. First, we have been given a lot of disinformation about happiness by two sources: Genes and culture. Both genes and cultures are self-perpetuating entities that need us to do things for them so that they can survive. Because we are interested in our own happiness and not theirs, both entities fool us into believing that's what is good for them is also good for us. We believe that having children will make us happy, that consuming goods and services will make us happy. But the data show that money has minor and rapidly diminishing effects on happiness, and that parents are generally happier watching TV or doing housework than interacting with their children.

So what happens if we try to disregard the genetic and cultural imperatives and just figure it all out for ourselves? What happens if we just close our eyes, imagine different possible futures, and try to decide which one would make us happiest?

My research with Tim Wilson shows that when people try to simulate future events — and to simulate their emotional reactions to those events — they make systematic errors. Modern people take the ability to imagine the future for granted, but it turns out that this is one of our species' most recently acquired abilities — no more than three million years old. The part of our brain that enables us to simulate the future is one of nature's newest inventions, so it isn't surprising that when we try to use this new ability to imagine our futures, we make some rookie errors. The main error, of course, is that we vastly overestimate the hedonic consequences of any event. Neither positive nor negative events hit us as hard or for as long as we anticipate. This "impact bias" has proved quite robust in both field and laboratory settings.

Oddly, we don't seem to learn all that much from our own experience. To learn from experience requires that we be able to remember it, and research shows that people are about as bad at remembering their past emotions as they are predicting their future emotions. That's why we make the same errors again and again.

***

You may think that it would be good to feel happy at all times, but we have a word for animals that never feel distress, anxiety, fear, and pain: That word is dinner.

Negative emotions have important roles to play in our lives because when people think about how terribly wrong things might go and find themselves feeling angry or afraid, they take actions to make sure that things go terribly right instead. Just as we manipulate our children and our employees by threatening them with dire consequences, so too do we manipulate ourselves by imagining dire consequences. People can be so anxious that their anxiety is debilitating, but that's the extreme case. Anxiety and fear are what keep us from touching hot stoves, committing adultery, and sending our children to play on the freeway. If someone offered you a pill that would make you permanently happy, you would be well advised to run fast and run far. Emotion is a compass that tells us what to do, and a compass that is perpetually stuck on north is worthless.

***

We're all told that variety is the spice of life. But variety is not just over-rated, it may actually have a cost. Research shows that people do tend to seek more variety than they should. We all think we should try a different doughnut every time we go to the shop, but the fact is that people are measurably happier when they have their favorite on every visit — provided the visits are sufficiently separated in time.

Those last four words are the important ones. If you had to eat 4 donuts in rapid succession, variety would indeed spice up your experience and you'd be wise to seek it. But if you had to eat 4 donuts on 4 separate Mondays, variety would lower your overall enjoyment. The human brain has tremendous difficulty reasoning about time, and thus we tend to seek variety whether the doughnuts are separated by minutes or months.

Well - I told you Karan Thapar and Ram Jethmalani in the same room together would be super-entertaining. Loved every second of it. Is this seriously the guy who not too long ago was considered India's finest criminal defense lawyer? If you ask me he is bludy mad!

***

And since when has it become part of police procedure in this country to let the media question the accused in a crime? I was quite surprised when I saw that chap Chattrapal whatshisname, the main accused in the Anant Gupta kidnapping case, being paraded before the media and made to answer their questions. Doesn't an accused have the right to remain silent here. Now I'm no legal expert, but I bet he does. And will anything he's said be held against him in subsequent judicial proceedings? I'm not sure.

And the questions he was being asked were so inane, you seriously wanted to bludy laugh.

Sach-sach batao ... tumne bachche ko kyoon uthaya?

Kyoonki unke paapa bahut badaa company ka CEO hai, jo bachche ke liya bilkul time nahin nikaal sakta ... kisi ne humko bataya ki unko father-figure ki jaroorat hai, issliye humne usko uthaya.

Aur kaun-kaun shammil thhe, tere plan mein?

Bahut saare log - Jeetu, Pappu, Pawan, Sheila Dixit, Natwar Lal, Lalloo....

Tumne paise ko kahaan chupaya?

Pachhis lakh mere chaddi mein .... baaki Pappu ke chaddi mein.

Itne saare paise chaddi mein??

Ji haan ... humne special Lycra waala chaddi ka intazaam kiya. Uske uppar likha tha - Stash it!

Kya karne walle thhe, tum log itne paise leke?

... humne socha thoda Paris-Waris ghumke aate. Aur Taj Mahal Hotel mein woh restaurant hain na ... Chinese waala - Mings - bahut din se wahan khaana nahin khaya. Baaki sab Sheila, Natwar aur Lalloo ko dene waale thhe - elecson ke liye.

Bachcha ghar vaapas kaisa lauta?

Humne Lalloo ke ghode pe usko bithaya, ghode ko Sector-15 ka address bataya, Pappu ne phir uske gaand pe ke laafa maara, aur bas - ghoda nikkal gaya. Woh bahut smart ghoda hai - sirf English samajta hai.

Aapko kya lagta hai -- kitne saal ki sazaa milne waala hai tumko?

Mere wakil ka kehna ki mujhe chaar-paanch mahine se jyada jail nahin jaana padenga. Woh sab kuch sambhalenga.

Sirf chaar-paanch mahine!! ... kaun hai yeh wakil??

Ram Jethmalani. Aapne shaayad uska naam suna hai. Woh kehta hai ki woh bachcha badaa badmaash hai - usko kidnapping ka drama khelne ka bahut shauk hai!

Toh yeh sab drama tha??

Haan ji. Bachcha bore ho raha tha, issliye uske daddy ne kaha -- "bhai usko motorcycle pe uthake thoda idhar-udhar ghumake vaapas ghar bhej do ... Adobe India ko bhi publicity mil jayega". Lekin yeh sab hamme uss wakt maloom nahin thha ... Jethmalani Sir ne aaj hi sab kuch bataya. Humko toh sirf itna bola tha ki acting karne ke liya pachhis lakh mil jayengi.

Unbelievable ... toh aap actually actor ho?

Ji haan. Aur abhi-abhi Jethlmalani Sir bataa rahe thhe ki hamara acting ekdum jabardast tha -- bachche ko lagaa ki humne sach-much usko kidnap karke leke gaye. Baap bhi bahut khush hai. Aur agle hafte Ekta ke saath Bambai mein hamara audition hai ... woh serial bannana chahati hai - Kyoonki actor bhi kabhi kidnapper tha!

***

Am I in the wrong profession or what! :) Have a good week y'all.

BFN.

for some of us
the waiting
never ends

... even a wanderer
gets lost
sometimes

Do you like my saree? Getting it on was such a headache. I brought it in a bag from home and changed here. You can't imagine how difficult it is to put on a saree in the ladies toilet.

You shouldn't have bothered then.

But I wanted you to see me in a saree. And besides the dress code for today is ethnic, in case you forgot. So what do you think ... How do I look?

You look very beautiful.

I wish you had worn that kurta. I went specially to Fab-India to buy that for you.

I'll wear it, but not to office. I don't want myself looking like a krantikari like all these other fools.

What nonsense! ... you would have looked very sweet. So where are you taking me after work?

Where do you want to go?

I will go anywhere you take me.

How about Poornima Lodge for a quickie!

Shut up, idiot! ... somebody might hear you.

***

At times I feel I know you so well, and yet at other times I feel I don't know you at all.

Someone said exactly the same thing to me just the other day.

Really, who?

It doesn't matter. But that's what happens when you fall in love with a madman.

You know, I've never met anybody like you my whole life. And frankly I'm not even sure what it is I love about you. Btw, what is the one thing you love most about me?

I love that you love me.

***

I don't know why, but I miss you terribly when you're not around. It's almost unbearable. Do you miss me?

Yeah, sometimes.

Is that all you can say? Here I'm admitting that I cannot live without you, and all you can say is, 'yeah sometimes!' ... and now don't give me any of your weird philosophy!

Okay I won't. But I wish you wouldn't miss me the way you do.

... Gosh, you really are frikkin' mad!

Why maroon?

What?? ... Oh the saree -- I thought of wearing the blue one first, but then I decided on maroon. Something told me you'd like it. You do like it, don't you?

I love it.

Let's go for a long bike ride this weekend, what say?

Bike ride? Why?

... Just like that. I like holding you tight.

O.K. Child labour. For or against? Against ... why? Because underprivileged children have the right to a childhood the way you and I had? Yep, they sure do.

For ... What are you, bludy Hitler??

And so another debate gathers steam. Some say banning child labour is madness because it seeks to address the symptoms rather than the problem. Others argue that if children are stopped from working, they might just get a chance to go to school and someday become productive citizens.

Frankly if you asked me, I'd go with 'can't say'. Simply because there are too many children. And unfortunately most of them are born to parents who can't afford to raise them.

Why do the poor have so many kids anyway? If what we hear on the news and read in the papers is true, contraceptives are being made freely available to them. So why are they still propagating like bludy rabbits?

'Shoot the bastards' is what my buddy Ally always says. 'Khabardar agar ek se jyada baccha paida kiya toh! ... you will be bludy shot in the nads!' I tell him we will run out of bullets.

It is a simple case of there being too much supply. Which is pretty much the same reason the BPO industry is flourishing in India. And in this respect how are young adults who work in the BPO's different from children who are forced to work for a living? Getting paid a pittance working ungodly hours with untold cost to their physical and psychological health - isn't it exploitation, isn't it injustice? ... I don't see any NGO's taking up their cause.

The way I see it the only way to stop child labour is to ensure there are less children. Which in a country like ours is as herculean a task as moving Mount Everest from Nepal to India.

That said, we must appreciate the efforts of those trying hard to see that every child gets the childhood he/she deserves. You can change the lives of few, but what about the rest? Will banning child labour make a difference? I certainly hope so. But we'll just have to wait and see, won't we?

Peace, love, and cures that don't kill you.

... and sometimes
life teaches you
more lessons
than you need to know

for all the times
I struggled to hold on
and you told me to let go
... and I did

thank you

Khosla Ka Ghosla is a good film - definitely the best I've seen this year. And if I say a Hindi movie is good, you can be rest assured* that it is bludy good ... that is if you're not the kind who wants to see Mallika's bazooms. But Tara Sharma is pretty too ... sweet I should say (in an ordinary kinda way); and I never really noticed her bazooms. That in fact is what I liked about the film -- everyone fits into their roles so well, and the whole thing appears so natural, you forget to notice the other stuff you would notice when you're watching a movie with a shit story (Like Pyaar ke Side effects ... Rahul Bose must have been pretty broke to do thrash like that).

* one of my favourite Indian English errors

***

Also very good is the Dixie Chicks' new album Taking the Long Way. Not sure if it's available in music stores here yet ... I downloaded some of the tracks on Limewire. It seems the Dixie Chicks are now officially the world's largest selling all-girl band (across all genre's) .... Yep, even more than Westlife! :)

And frankly I'm not surprised. Because their earlier album Wide Open Spaces has sold more copies than any other country album in history. And that's one album every country music lover simply must own. I've listened to it a million times and can never tire of Natalie's gorgeous voice. I even took it with me to Goa, and I gotta tell you- sitting there out on my grandmothers porch with my glass of urak, there is nothing I'd rather have listened to.

***

You know it's funny - I've searched Orkut high and low and I haven't been able to locate a single one of my classmates, boy or girl .... Bludy weird! Maybe they're all dead; maybe our class was cursed or something (come to think of it I always suspected that chemistry teacher Annie Jacob to be a witch). I kid you not - with the exception of Nina (Manuel) who's a big-shot model in Bombay, I have no clue as to the whereabouts of anybody else. Even Google searches for their names don't throw up anything (not even on the bugger who went to Stanford!). So it's just me and Nina. And she's probably cavorting with some sissy-boy from the fashion business.

***

So what's all this I hear about schools in Karnataka being ordered to switch to Kannada or face closure? .... I'm sure the last thing educators want is kids going around saying 'Yenn Sirr' instead of Good Morning :)

BFN.

O.K. Been a while since I last clicked on 'new post'. Hope all is well in your neck of the woods.

First up - I was watching the news yesterday and those images of the Twin Towers crumbling to the ground brought back memories of how horrified we all were to see that live on TV 5 years ago; without doubt the most shocking thing I've ever seen on the news. And all those people jumping to their deaths and others running for their lives. There is nothing more frightening than running for your life, where you don't know what will hit you from behind ... or above in this case.

***

Must say I was quite amused to hear about Amity University's decision to ask its students to dump the jeans and the t-shirts and go formal - a drastic move for an institution that is perceived as being liberal and new-age. But I think it's aimed more at the women than at the men. That's why I laughed when I heard the chancellor of Amity say it was an effort to inculcate "corporate culture" among its students at an early stage. I'm sure what he actually wanted to say is: 'this was the only way to stop the girls from showing everybody their underwear!'

But if he thinks he's going to succeed, boy is he wrong! Because I for one have noticed that these days even the humble salwaar-khameez has gotten to be pretty revealing ... the slits at the side go so high up, you not only see the girls undies, you also get a good view of her flunge*! And pants are no better. Why do women's pants have to look like bludy stockings? Because in most cases VPL** can be quite a hideous sight. It's okay if you have a nice slim bottom, but if you have what looks like a sack of potatoes.... you get my drift.

You see, the difference between women and men is that women dress to get noticed ... men dress to, well - get dressed! So anything you make them wear, women are always gonna come up with ways to distinguish themselves from others of their sex. And quite often they end up being over-creative.

Of course there are men too who display womanish tendencies. And since society does not take kindly to men going about like women, many of them do the next best thing -- become fashion designers!

***

Spent most of my Sunday watching old episodes of Steve 'croc hunter' Irvin on Animal Planet. I totally loved the guy. The last time I felt so sad on hearing about someone's death was when Princess Di went for a ride with that scoundrel Dodi and never came back.

And imagine a bloke like him getting killed by a bludy fish - someone who's taken on crocodiles that could have swallowed him alive! It's a tragedy, I tell you. But knowing Steve, I bet his last words were, 'now that's a killer, mate!'

***

Just read this article on IBN Online. All you Orkutters better beware.

Peace, love, and less nasty surprises.

* Flunge: the wobble of flesh that protrudes between the waistband of hipster trousers and the hem of a too-short t-shirt

** VPL: Visible panty-lines

nothing's true
and nothing's right

... and there comes a time
when there's no one left to fight

fifty-nine years and still
so many tears in so many eyes

but yet she smiles

... for she is like a child
whose innocence never dies

Somebody please stop this rain! Sweet Jesus! Nearly 36 hours non-stop. One look at the state of the roads and you'd think you're in bludy Beirut after an Israeli air-strike!

***

Got completely drenched on my way home from work ... and it's all Ally's fault. We ran into each other at the traffic intersection and he insisted I join him for chai, following which it started to rain real heavy. And as usual his pea-brain was working overtime.

Dude I think I've discovered the ultimate way to satisfy a woman!

Oh please! I'm not interested.

Arre sunn toh sahi ... it's not what you think.

Okay what is it?

Take her shopping and surprise her with lots of money! .... You should have seen it dude - I took Pudding to bleddy Globus and told her to spend 5 grand - on me ... birthday present! I'm telling you, she was jumping for joy - such excitement I haven't seen on her face even when we're having sex!

You two have sex? What about her global-warming induced perennial PMS?

That was all bleddy bahana ... dame just wanted to increase her price!

I see. But it looks to me like she succeeded - 5 grand is a lot!

Haan yaar, bleddy hell ... it's a lot. But then everything comes at a cost, no? ... I'm seeing it as an investment.

Yeah, well - the sex better be damn good.

Actually we don't really have sex ... we just touch here and there! She's warned me first only - No Penetration!

LOL ... I can see why she'd want to postpone having your kids for as long as possible.

It's not that yaar ... She won't even let me wear a bleddy topi!

Topi?

Condom, dude! She says if someone saw me at the chemist shop, whole of Bandra will know we're doing it!

Tell her to buy it then! Lots of women do it ... they're a bold lot, these girls of today!

Same thing yaar ... and how she'll know which flavour I like?

Flavour? LOL ... you're such a moron. Mark my words -- one of these days you're gonna end up getting the boot!

Ha! Look who's talking -- your dame kicked you and got married to a bleddy cook in Canada!

He's not a cook - he's a chef! And you don't have to remind me; I've learnt my lesson ... and it's just a matter of time before you learn yours.

Chalo theek hai, sooner or later we all have to bite the dust. And that way I'm luckier than you...

How so?

... at least I've seen the bust before the dust!

I'm pretty sure if they'd have asked me I'd have said no ... which goes to prove that sometimes it's better not to ask!

Anyway, my thanks to the people at Bangalore Mid-Day for featuring this humble blog in their Blog-o-cracy section yesterday.

But from the looks of it they were more impressed by my so-called poetry (you can't really call it haiku, can you?) ... which makes me wish they had featured Circles in the Sand instead.

chained upon the face of time

feelin' full of foolish rhyme

there ain't no dark till something shines

I'm bound to leave this dark behind

For :..M..:

all that glitters
is not gold

... and this you know only
when it's yours to hold

... and what hurt the most
was the fact
that you never looked back

This is something our michelle once wrote. Her writing always struck a chord deep within me ... which is why I've saved many of her posts (something I've not done with any other blogger).

Vibrant me (posted on Monday, October 25, 2004)

Vibrant: (as defined by dictionary.com) "Pulsing or throbbing with energy or activity"

When was the last time I described myself as vibrant? Full of life and feeling and energy and the need to perform? And that's another problem I have with life. As I grow older- life looses color. What started off as a multi-hued United Colors of Benetton T-shirt quickly becomes that faded black ragged cotton T-shirt that I don't want to wear anymore. Why does that happen? How does that happen? And why do I let that happen?

How do I maintain that child-like sense of wonderment at every new twist and turn in the road? How do I appreciate the joy of living? The joy of life and the desire to take the best out of every moment and savor it? Does anyone? Apart from a five year old who jumps out of bed at a new day, does anyone else really live life in vibrant color?

From the seven year old who has homework woes to the fifteen year old who has acne woes to the young adult who has new car/new home woes to the thirty year old who has settlement woes to the fifty year old who has backache woes to the seventy year old who has coffin choosing woes. Where is the joy?

I don't know.

I miss it, it fills a huge void in my life. Life has no color- it stands bleak and dry like an arid drought.

***

The joy of living. Ultimately that's what it's all about, isn't it? The difference between the things that make you happy and the things that bring you joy is that the latter cannot be bought with money. Joy is what you see on the faces of street-children thrashing about in the rain-water ... something you'll never see on the faces of rich kids in swimming pools at 5-Star hotels.

I guess the mistake many of us make is we spend our whole lives in the pursuit of things that will make us happy, when in fact all we need is a little joy.

Peace, love, and all the things money can't buy.

I was busy all day Sunday but they tell me I missed quite a show. The hero of the day was a 6-year-old boy called Prince, with our gallant Army Engineers forming the supporting cast. And as is usually the case with anything in our country, there was no shortage of an audience.

But from reading Selma's post it appears to me that the television news-channels entered new territory so to speak with their coverage of the incident. I'm sure they are still patting themselves on the back for a job exceedingly well done. And now I read that the Haryana government has announced a Rs. 2 lakh cash award for the kid and promised him free education and what have you. I say while they're at it they might as well find him a 6-year-old princess and get the fellow married off.

So that is the 'power' of the media (to make it sound like Rajdeep Sardesai). It can take a kid from nowhere and turn him into a superstar. Poor Neha Kapur must have been pretty upset that all the SMS's and prayers were directed towards Prince and not our lovely Miss India.

But I just hope people elsewhere in the country don't go digging pits and start training their kids to survive underground for 2 days so that they too can get their 15 minutes of fame and all that follows. You never can tell.

***

Hey but guess what - apparently I'm something of a star too! Yep, just last week a newspaper reporter (from a BIG newspaper) wanted to get my reaction on the recent blanket ban on blogs in India. But I like being low-profile, so I had to refuse. And seriously, what would I even say to her? ... I ain't no Amit Verma, y'know.

Reporter: So how has the governments decision to ban blogs affected you?

SwB: Oh I am hugely distressed at not being able to write about matters of earth-shattering importance such as the Israeli attacks on Lebanon and the intricacies of women's underwear!

But thanks to our Paki friends and their Pkblogs we all had backdoor access ... which goes to show they are not such a bunch of villains after all. Come to think of it they do have a certain fondness for the backdoor, don't they?

BFN.

Let's not talk about expecting Pakistan to help us with terror- lets find ways of helping Pakistan with shutting down its "terrorist infrastructure". Simply suspending the peace-process isn't productive or imaginative.

Interesting that Suhasini should say this because it's something that's crossed my mind many times. Is the Musharraf regime in Pakistan as powerless to control the activities of militant groups operating from within its territory as the Lebanese are with regard to Hizbollah? And if that is indeed the case, what benefit could possibly come from suspending the peace process?

The truth is that our government is bullshitting us. Why blame Pakistan when you know - and by now I'm sure they know - that Pakistan can do little to remedy the situation? Why not just come out and admit that our intelligence gathering (and sharing) mechanism is sub-standard and has failed us miserably -- that somebody could perpetrate an attack on our Houses of Parliament is proof enough!

But I'd like to ask Suhasini - when you say 'find ways of helping Pakistan' what exactly do you suggest we do? And will Pakistan even allow us to interfere? Because that will mean admitting they are incapable of fixing the problem themselves, something that will make Mushy look very bad. As it is he looks like a little doggy!

And say for argument sake that they do allow us to help them -- are we even up to the task? Judging by our track record in these matters, the answer would be a definite 'no'.

You can't fool all the people all the time. Unfortunately the Government of India seems to be trying very hard to do just that.

***

I was watching Devil's Advocate (on CNN-IBN) with Benazir Bhutto yesterday and I'd like to know how many of you agree with Karan Thapar's method of interviewing people - where he goes all out to corner someone based on what they or somebody else said in some newspaper/publication? Because it's common knowledge that the media often (in fact more usually than not) misquotes people or publishes their comments out of context.

Also I find he makes his guests uncomfortable to the point where you actually start feeling bad for them. That's something I never see happening on BBC's Hardtalk. Because when people get edgy, they give evasive answers and start getting personal. Which is usually what happens with Thapar, turning a serious interview into something that gets you laughing.

And he keeps interrupting and making those irritating bludy faces ... I swear if he was interviewing me I'd slap the bugger.

BFN.

Now this is how you must explain things to us men. Only then can we fully appreciate how difficult life is for you girls. JC will be happy to know that I will not be yelling at her for taking so long to dress ever again.

***

And its a funny coincidence that my buddy Ally and I happened to be talking about much the same thing just last evening. And by now I'm sure you all know how thoroughly entertaining talking to Ally can be. In fact I'm even thinking of coming out with a book called 'Conversations with an Imbecile'. Something tells me it will be a best-seller.

So we're having coffee and he says to me: Dude can I ask you a question?

Sure what is it?

Why do bra's have hooks and not velcro?

God, the things you come up with! ... How the hell should I know?

No-no but have you ever thought about it? Everything else under the bleddy sun has velcro, but bra's have hooks. Why?

Maybe hooks stay fastened better ... can't have them coming open, you know.

But velcro is equally strong ... and wouldn't it be easier for women?

Ya I guess ... but if they're happy with hooks, what's your problem?

I was just wondering dude. Maybe I can make some money from this idea - velcro bra's!

Hmm.... you never know. But considering that hooks seem to be working just fine, I have my doubts. You should ask Pudding; she'll be the right person to tell you.

You know, she wears padded bra's!

Jeez man, I really didn't need to know that! And I don't think she'll appreciate you passing on this kind of information.

Arre who cares yaar! I say padded bra's should be banned once and for all ... bleddy dames are cheating us buggers inside-out!

Can't comment on that bro. If they want to make their bazooms look different, they have every right to.

But dude, don't you think that we guys are more honest with females than they are with us? With us, what you see is what you get. But these dames are all bleddy fraudsters ... idhar-udhar thoda make-up lagaya along with fake boobs and before you know it they go from Mamta Banerjee to Biapsha Basu ... It's not fair!

Maybe the fault lies with us men - we want Bipashas, not Mamtas. So what are the poor girls supposed to do?

Anyway, woh sab chhod. Now think of a nice name for my velcro bra ... like Victoria's Secret or something. Hey you remember how in school we used to call them under-shoulder-boulder-holders and the dames used to get really pissed?

Yeah, we were a mean bunch of buggers, weren't we?

Haan yaar. And you remember how somebody asked big-mama Rajni if her bra's were made of high-tension cables ... and she went and complained to Mrs. Thomas!

LOL I remember. And Mrs. Thomas asked us if we had sisters. And all of us said no.

Dude I have a cool name ... how does Feel Free sound?

... Like a sanitary napkin! Why don't you name it after Pudding ... she'd be thrilled.

Okay I got it -- Proof of the Pudding!

For Shreya

maybe this is why
we fall in love

because we cannot
change the ending

... but with love
we can change the story

A new day. Life goes on.

I have one bit of advice for the Government of India -- Get your priorities right. Do not spend thousands of crores on satellites that end up in the Bay of Bengal when innocent people are being slaughtered like animals due to a seriously deficient security and emergency-services infrastructure.

I read in the papers today that the Mumbai Police will soon be sending two of its officers to the US for a three-week course on post-blast investigation. What does that tell you?

As for this man, the less said the better. He gives journalism and journalists everywhere a very bad name.

***

One lakh. One lousy lakh is what the life of a Mumbai local-train commuter is worth. To think that's nearly the amount of money buggers like Rahul Mahajan used to spend on a days entertainment!

But who cares? You see the problem with the people of Mumbai is that they are quite content just to see things get back to normal. With great pride they will talk about how their spirit can never be broken and all that humbug. But I'd like to ask these people one question -- Is this the kind of normalcy you want? ... Where you know your life is as much at risk today as it was yesterday and that nothing is going to change only because you are happy with things being 'normal'? I certainly don't.

I tell you, people in the government must have heaved a sigh of relief on hearing that everything and (almost) everybody is up and running this morning. Our Mumbaikar's are such resilient sods, they must be saying. Nothing deters them. Life has returned to normal, and now we can too ... and the Rahul Mahajans can once again - have a blast!

The last one hour has been harrowing. I finally managed to get through to my aunt who travels in the Ist class from Churchgate to Santa Cruz. She is in a taxi at Tardeo headed home.

I pray that you and all your loved ones make it home safe this evening.

perhaps this is how
it will always be

so near
yet so far

... a fish in water
but out of the sea

It's interesting, don't you think, to know what goes through a persons mind (I mean people in general) the very first time they see you. Because sometimes an act of a stranger makes you wonder if you've got yourself pictured all wrong.

Consider this: I'm travelling in a inter-city bus. Seat next to me is not taken. Across the aisle is another guy (grumpy looking bugger); seat next to him is also empty. We are both sitting two rows from the back. Two college girls enter. Obviously they would like to sit together so they can yap till their mouths start to pain. But the bus is full except for the seats right at the back, which in our buses and with our kind of roads, especially in the monsoons, you'd have to be very brave to risk occupying. So the girls have a choice -- either request Grumpy to come sit next to me, or request me to go sit with Grumpy.

They decide to ask Grumpy. "No, sorry. I don't want to move", he says in a gruff voice. Disappointed, the little ladies trudge to the back, where I'm sure they got a full-body workout, the effects of which won't leave them in a hurry.

But I'm like- HELLO, I'm not bludy dead! ... Ask me, dammit! I would have been happy to sit with Grumpy ... and I'm sure your non-stop chatter would have provided ample onboard entertainment. And even if he refused, what was it about me that automatically made you conclude it was no good even trying? Do I look dangerous or something? Hell, I even took the trouble of shaving this morning! So why - why - was Grumpy more approachable than I was?

This may seem trivial to you folks, but it's something quite worrying for me. Bludy shit, what's going to happen to the world if nice guys like me get misread like this :(

***

So Portugal lost. They did try hard though, didn't they - Figo & Co. Yeah, they sure did ... Damn those snail-eaters!

I guess we Goans will always be loyal Portugal supporters ... because considering the fact that most of us will be dead by the time India qualifies for the finals, Portugal is the closest we can get to having a country to root for. But can anybody tell me why the Bengali's are such big Brazil fans? ... Not B for Bengal, B for Brazil is it? You never know.

But I happened to see this news bit the other day where they showed some youth in Goa celebrating the win against England, and one of them shouted, "We are happy because we have Portuguese blood in us!". Hmm... looking at him that sure didn't appear to be the case. In fact if he'd said he had Negro blood, it would have been more believable. But that's not to say some of us don't ... my brother tells me many people in Rhode Island mistook him for being Portuguese :) ... yes, yes, O.K.

But you know, I think it would be great if Portuguese is included as a third language in all Goan schools (people in Goa hate talking Hindi anyway) ... it would help us identify better with all that we've inherited from our colonial masters.

.... Also it would help in pataoing them gorgeous Brazilian dames on Orkut!

Paz, amor, e dois pássaros com uma pedra.

The concept of giving people their moneys worth is still very much non-existent in our country, particularly in the food & drink business. In fact if you ask me the only place you really get paisa-vasool is at those bludy roadside joints.

To give you an example, my cousin NBZ and I had gone to this pub the other day to watch the football and we ordered a beer along with some roasted peanuts and French fries. The peanuts turned out to be soft and the fries were soggy. So I summoned the waiter and told him to take it back or replace it with good stuff. Now instead of doing as he was told, he proceeded to give me a lecture on how the peanuts and the potatoes get soft in the rainy season.

Oh is that so, I said. Fine ... then I expect you will be charging me rainy-season rates too, right? ... like half the normal price?

Errr... no Sir.

Then shut your mouth and take this shit away!

That seemed to do the trick. But the unbelievable part was that the folks at the other tables were quietly eating the same crap fries. ... I guess the boys didn't want to make a scene in front of the ladies. Wussies!

***

I don't know if you guys are aware of the amount of cheating that goes on in these pubs when it comes to hard liquor. I once knew a guy who used to get cases of cheap brands of booze from Goa by bus and supply them to pub owners in Bombay and Pune on a regular basis.

The problem is that most people simply cannot tell the difference between brands. Say you go to a pub and ask for Old Monk ... what you'll get is some rubbish called Negro rum that costs 60 bucks a bottle in Goa, whereas you're paying 45 pucks a peg for what you think is Old Monk - nine out of ten people cannot tell the difference. Same goes for whisky and vodka, the Indian brands especially. In fact anything that gets topped-up with Cola (there are even some idiots who drink whisky with Coke) or Sprite will in all probability not be the real stuff. And the waiters know exactly whom to target, who the bakra's are. A big group of guys and girls (ITwala's and college kids in particular) out to have a good time is easy pickings ... and then the poor sods wonder why they puke after two drinks.

So you can imagine how much money these buggers are making. And even the people who do suspect something prefer not to make a noise about it for fear of being asked to leave. Either that or they're worried about what their guests or the other patrons will think of them. Sometimes the waiters/manager will even have the gall to accuse you of being drunk and causing a nuisance.

Moral of the story: Next time you go to a pub, drink only beer. Unless of course you happen to be a hardcore bevda like yours truly.

BFN.

you may have got
the win

... but you will never
have the victory

Well - our beloved Bollywood seems to have done it again. Krrish has krrashed ... unfortunately even that extra 'r' couldn't do much to keep it airborne. Someone who saw it first day-first show said it should come with a warning - not suitable for children above the age of 5!

My policy is never to see a Hindi movie until you've read all the reviews (the negative ones especially). Because I'd hate to end up like this particular gentleman who seems to have come away scarred for life. Yeah, I know how it feels - like being pelted with shit every three minutes for two and a half hours.

Y'know, I'm pretty sure the day is not far when the only thing that will draw audiences to Hindi cinema is the heroines taking their clothes off. And the sooner that happens the better. Yeah, I reckon a nice pair of norks will sell a lot better than some lame-ass creep of a superhero.

***

Our man Clint Westwood has landed himself in a major spot of trouble with his girlfriend Pudding. So bad that something tells me this could turn out to be an unfixable situation for the poor guy.

Dude I can't take it any more. Lets just go to Club IX and get sloshed!

Why, what's wrong?

Pudding, man ... she keeps telling me that honesty is important in a relationship, and then when I'm honest, she kicks my ass!

What is it this time?

Stretch marks, dude!

What??

Ya we went to Shoppers yesterday and she was trying out some low-rise jeans, and when she asked me how it looks I told her it's nice ... only thing she should do something about those stretch marks on her hips. Now what was wrong with that? It's the truth! But she went ballistic and started screaming in front of everybody ... and you know what she said to me - she told me to FO and marry my mother!

Oh my God, that's bad.

I know man. Lekin ab bahut go gaya ... I've had enough of her bullshit. I'm telling you dude, I wish we could go back to being like those bleddy wild animals they show on Animal Planet - the male sees a female he likes, takes two or three chakkar's around her, sniffs her backside, and if everything is ok, they do it right there and then - fast and furious, and then he just gets up and leaves - kaam khattam! The rest is her problem. Here we have relationships and commitment and what not bleddy rubbish to put up with.

Yeah, we are often the victims of our own evolution.

Shit bleddy evolution ... hasn't helped us in any way; just made life more difficult. Anyway, lets go and get drunk. Saala daaru kabhi dhoka nahin deta!

Okay, we'll go to Club IX ... but just make sure you don't go around asking any women if you can sniff their backsides!

And what if some dame actually agrees ... tumko nanga naachna padenga.

Sure ... if you don't mind seeing my stretch marks! :)

When I was a kid my favourite pastime was playing with Lego. You could say Lego was to me then what Blues Over Troubled Waters is to me now. It took up a lot of my free time. In Bahrain in those days all the shops would have their sale in the months of May and October. I remember waiting with eager anticipation for these two months of the year only because the Lego would be cheaper and it wouldn't pinch my dads pocket as much. And that is how I would get a new Lego set twice a year. This went on till my Lego occupied half the room if I took all of it out. A time came when I was building huge things like airports and military bases and even aircraft carriers. But there was a problem. The new bricks were nice and shiny and sharp around the edges, whereas the old ones would invariably be dull and worn out with so much use. And the problem really was that I could not build something big unless I used both the old and the new pieces. But the old bricks made whatever I was building look shabby, so I would try to use as many of the new ones as possible and put the old ones in places where they were not so conspicuous. But there was no way I could avoid using them altogether ... not if I wanted to build something grand.

I had just finished reading AB's post on friendship when it occurred to me that the people in our lives - the ones we take for granted - are like old Lego. A person is always going to meet new people and make new friends, but like Lego, just the new is usually not enough. It will keep you happy for a while, but soon a time will come when you'll feel the need for some of the older bricks ... which you won't have if you've gone and thrown them away.

Reason I'm writing is because a friend very dear to me gives me the feeling I no longer fit into the life he is trying to make for himself. I am an old Lego brick that doesn't gel with the new. But he forgets he would not have elolved into the person he is today if it wasn't for the role I and many others like me have played in his life over the past so many years. He forgets the people who lent him money when they had very little of it themselves; he forgets the people who went out of their way to visit him in that hell-hole he was living in only because they didn't want him to feel left out. And surely enough it was those very people who helped him shift to more comfortable lodgings. I can go on, but there is no use.

The parable of the Prodigal Son comes to mind. When someone wants to go, let them.

***

All this talk about Lego got me thinking about how much I wanted to be an architect when I was growing up. I remember reading articles in the Readers Digest about the great Walter Gropius and Bauhaus, and about I.M. Pei (who designed the glass pyramid at the entrance to the Louvre in Paris). I wanted to be like them; I would study at the Harvard School of Design and build the worlds greatest structures. But it never happened.

They call it makhtub - what is written is written.

.... What do they know?

Peace, love and invisible ink.

You know the way many Indian girlie names end up getting shortened with an 's' - like how Divya becomes Divs and Raveena becomes Ravs ... well, if you have a daughter you better make sure you don't name her Tithi, because the poor thing will in all probability end up being called- you know what! And if she happens to have genes that turn her into a big-bazoomed Punjabi woman, she will never forgive you.

***

I've been looking at the Navy SEALs workout. Mel says we can do it. I know that the push up - pull up - sit up combination is very effective .... and if you get yourself two sets of dumbbells - one light, one heavy - you'll never have to shell out big bucks at the gym again. They also throw in a lot of running and swimming to build stamina. Yeah, it looks like pretty deadly stuff - you'll be ready to take on those damned Iraqi insurgents in no time.

The swimming might be a problem though. I normally avoid swimming in pools because of all the sumo's splashing about. It's hard even to complete one full lap without colliding into someone's bum. But they say you can substitute the swimming with cycling ... can't remember the last time I rode a bicycle. Not a bad idea though, considering the price of petrol and all.

***

Isn't that Rakhi Sawant episode bludy hilarious? I was watching one of the Hindi news channels today and they kept playing out the footage in a loop which made it even more funny. What the hell was Mika thinking? This is Bombay shahar ... not some hamlet in bludy Punjab where you can get away with this kind of misbehaviour. But something tells me Rakhi's item-girl days are over.

So, our Bollywood brats are having a ball at the IIFA in Dubai. And not surprisingly the movie Black (which to me was crap) has once again walked away with all the awards. Our man Ally tells me that some big Dubai-based Sindhi businessman has decided to give Sanjay Leela Bhansali free guthka for life because he was so touched by the film. In return Bhansali has promised to call his next film Red.

Also I hear a new Rakesh Roshan movie is going to be out soon, one that has beta Duggu (yeah that's Rhithik's pet name ... sounds like a drunkard parrot) doing something on the lines of Superman .... I can hardly wait! But if you ask me, Duggu should seriously consider becoming a full-time item-boy and leave the Superman stuff to someone else. He might hurt himself.

BFN.

sometimes all you can do is wait
and wonder:

am I the kill
... or am I the bait?

Trane's Blues by the great John Coltrane. This is one mind-blowing CD, and needless to say one of my all-time favourites. Read the reviews on the Amazon page (click on image).

I went to this Jazz Nite at the Willingdon Gym last Friday. The drummer was good, and not far behind were the guitarist and the saxophonist; though I couldn't help wondering how people are not sick to death of listening to stuff like Take-5, Autumn Leaves, Besame Mucho and Louis Armstrong's What A Wonderful World ... yeah, in Bombay even that passes off for jazz. Anyway, it was nice to be treated to some awesome drumming (solo on Take-5 especially). I forget the guys name but they tell me he does studio sessions for - get ready for this - Sonu Nigam! .... yeah if you're a jazz musician in India I guess that's what you gotta do to keep the wolf from the door.

***

Somehow I've always thought of Bombay as being a city without a soul. Each for himself, God for all ... and in Bombay even the Almighty will have his work cut out. Money is what it's all about; money is who you are. And that is why the first thing everybody wants to know is what you're doing. There is a certain uneasiness in the air till that vital piece of information is out in the open. And if what you're doing is not at par with what they do, it makes their evening just a little more enjoyable. Hence there's nothing I like more than having some fun with these all work-no life types you meet practically everywhere; like I did with this investment banker chap I was introduced to last Friday.

Hello SwB, nice to meet you. So what do you do?

Oh nothing much ... I just laze around all day listening to jazz and surfing the internet.

After a pause to see if I was joking or serious -- So who's your favourite jazz star?

Hmm... my jazz stars, let see - Brad Mehldau Trio, George Benson, the Marsalis brothers... so many.

Never heard of them. Do you like Dave Bru-back?

Oh yeah, Bru-back (actually it's Brubeck) ... he's pretty good. Take-6 is my favourite.

Hmm... I've only heard Take-5 (that's because there is no Take-6, buddhu!)

But I actually felt sorry for those guys up there on stage giving it their all, because they were playing for an audience that knows as much about jazz as your maid-servant knows about the ballet. But they have the bucks so all is forgiven.

***

Number of friends on Orkut is increasing - 5 now; and I know there are lots of people quietly popping in to view my profile -- sneaky little buggers! :) Some of you asked why I choose to remain anon. Well, anon. is always better I think. Read in the papers couple of days back that employers are now doing Google searches on prospective employees. Bludy dangerous stuff, that - imagine losing out on a job opportunity just because someone doesn't quite like what he finds out about you online. Those overpaid HR scoundrels must be rubbing their hands in glee ... nothing like getting paid for digging up dirt on people!

O.K. Listen to the title track on Trane's Blues; I guarantee you'll love it. It may sound familiar because some idiot DJ did a remix version of it some time ago ... given a chance they'll remix the bludy national anthem.

Peace, love, and a slow train to ecstasy.

World Cup 2006 is here. I don't know why but these days big sporting events like the World Cup and the Olympic Games seem to come up at intervals that seem a lot shorter than 4 years. I remember how it was when we were in school - one World Cup the Blues was a little baccha in Class IV and by the time the next one had arrived he had grown facial hair and was running after this girl called Shabnam in Class VIII - a very big jump, that.

Anyway, being Goan one feels kind of obligated to root for Portugal ... or at the least Brazil because they speaka-da-same language. I think I'd prefer Brazil, because like I say: the only thing the Portuguese did in Goa was build hundreds of Churches and change every second persons name to D'Souza.

***

My buddy Ally called up last night sounding mighty jolly and all that.

What's up bro, you seem to be in good spirits.

Yes dude, after I read about Orkut on your blog, I made a profile and... kya bolneka yaar, jindagi badal gaya!

Oh, what happened?

Chicks, dude - CHICKS! There are bleddy thousands of them just waiting to be contacted ... and Bombay girls toh, don't talk - too many!

But how'd you manage to make so many friends so soon? I still have just a couple.

Boss, the chicks won't come to you - you have to go to them. And guess what is my nickname? ... Clint Westwood!

LOL ... Clint Westwood??

Damn cool, no? Because everyone says I look like him ... and bleddy Aloysius Lobo sounds so boring.

But these girls, they're probably only interested in online friendships, right ... they can't be wanting to get serious and all that?

Dude which world are you living in? Girls are bleddy desperate these days - there are very few good guys; that's why this Orkut is such a goldmine. And by now you should know that females never say what they really want -- friendship-friendship bolte rehte but actually they want to have your babies!

Hmm… I wonder what Pudding will say when she finds out you've been looking at greener pastures?

Arre Pudding ko maro goli! You think she is not looking for greener pastures? I'm telling you she must have already grazed and come back.

Well, good luck to you then. Hope you find your true soulmate.

I'm telling you, this Orkut is your last chance .... If you don't do something now you will end up bleddy kuvara.

But approaching girls in this way seems kinda cheap, doesn't it?

Dude why don't you understand - they want you to approach them!! And what bleddy cheap you're talking about? Your pop hasn’t left you millions that the babes are going to throw themselves on you!

Yeah, but I'm sure there are hundreds of guys better qualified, better looking than me.

Arre aisa nahin sochneka bhai - just think you're a banana! You've heard that joke, no? ... What did the banana say to the vibrator?

What?

... What are you shaking for? She's gonna eat me!

for Dee

those days
when we were young and free
a distant memory
for you and me

these days
it's all the same
they won't let us play
if it's not their game

Now let me get this straight -- Is Mr. Yash Chopra indirectly admitting that all Bollywood films are crap, and that the only thing the Hindi film industry is doing is making the public chutia?? Going by what he said in an interview with CNN-IBN it sure as hell seems like it to me.

"I feel the greatest need today is for ideas. Someone called it complete intellectual bankruptcy. Now people are coming with new ideas but for such a big country we don't have good writers, we don't have scripts. The greatest need for our film industry is stories, scripts and actors. Only then can we make good films".

Yeah I know. The old bugger must have been very drunk when he did that interview. And he doesn't stop there. On the present-day brand of filmi gaana, he says:

"On the music side, I think we have lost the soul. There is no soul in music now. (Earlier) people used to write meaningful lyrics from the heart," he said.

Hmmm... wonder what topiwalla Reshammiya would have to say to that. If you ask me someone should file a PIL in the Bombay High Court seeking a complete ban on topiwalla's music for causing extreme public nuisance ... in addition to damage to people's hearing.

***

Caught some of the action at the French Open last evening. It's great to see my sweetheart Martina Hingis winning again. Women's tennis has been quite dull ever since she and Anna Kournikova quit playing ... though Maria Sharapova has managed to bring a little colour to the game. So what did you guys think of her pink ballerina type outfit with the yellow knickers ... very nice, yes? And boy does she hit the ball hard ... she sure takes that make every shot a powershot business of hers very seriously!

As for our Sania, what can I say - the kid has got to lose the excess baggage. She was quite clearly struggling to get from one side of the court to the other. And those bazoomers are not helping.

.... But Sania would make an excellent model for Canon, don't you think :) ... and if one of our desi advertising agencies was given the job, I bet we'd see Sania hitting a powerful forehand winner and saying triumphantly: Don't just take a shot, fire your Canon!

BFN.

I'm sure most of you Bombayvasi's must have read the Mumbai Mirror story last Friday about the 24 year-old girl who fell off a local train and lost her arm (the article is no longer available online but a Google cached version exists here). What was more saddening is the fact that she was to leave with her parents for Haryana the same evening to get married on the 28th.

Now like me, most people reading about the incident must have gone 'oh that is so sad!' following which 24 year-old girl who lost her arm is forgotten, her story being filed away somewhere in the archives of our mind.

Reason I'm talking about this is because this whole thing of one unfortunate second changing a persons life forever is something I find really scary. So what do you reckon will happen to that girl then? Will the guy marry her ... will any guy marry her? Will she somehow be able to live a normal life ... and the most important: will she ever be happy again?

Probably the most difficult question to find an answer to -- Why me?

***

On the reservation debate that seems to have occupied the nation-- Well, I'm not sure which side to take, really ... in fact I'd even say I'm neutral. It's kinda like the clogging in the Mithi river that runs through Bombay (one of the main culprits in last years flooding, which in most places doesn't even remotely resemble a bludy river - more like a industrial toxic-waste dump if you ask me). To put it very simply -- what goes in must come out. The problem though is that what comes out is usually very foul in comparison to what went in. And that to me is what has happened with the caste-system (which we're still not terribly keen to shake off) and the ensuing reservation problem.

***

On Fanaa-- Haven't seen it yet, but I must say I find it quite silly that so many people are going to watch the movie (in spite of the shit reviews) only to see Aamir and Kajol. Now what I'm thinking is this: if there is indeed such a hunger to see them together, then instead of spending so many crores making a rubbish movie, why not get Aamir and Kajol to sit in the back of an open car and parade them through every major city in the country (except maybe in Gujarat of course) ... Not a bad idea, yes?

Peace, love, and lots more where that came from.

I was a fool to think
you'd always be there
like the sand on the beach

.... I was a bigger fool
for trying to stop you
slipping through my fingers
like the sand on the beach

Two words I utterly detest: Anything & Whatever. Take for example you're at a restaurant with a friend.

So, what would you like to eat?

Anything

In that case you might want to go to the lavatory and help yourself to some SHIT! It's free!

Or, your friend is upset over something and you're trying your best to cheer the blighter up by treating him to a nice meal.

Try the Spicy Chicken Shashlik. You'll love it ... they make it very well.

Whatever

How 'bout I shove a live chicken up your rear-end, you ungrateful turd! That'll lift your spirits!

Now do you see what I mean ... how these two words can really irritate a person. Anyway, this is just something I wanted to get off my chest.

***

Such a big noise over The Da Vinci Code. Have to say I'm pretty disappointed with the Catholic leadership in this country though ... they seem to be quite unsure as to where they stand/what they want. If you want the bludy thing banned, then don't rest until you've achieved it. But starting off with such vehement opposition and then timidly settling for a disclaimer at the start of the movie will only result in your protests not being taken seriously the next time something like this happens. And what about the faithful who heeded your call and went about fasting until death and took out signature campaign's and morcha's in the gruelling Bombay heat - they must be feeling like a bunch of idiots.

You want Dan Brown killed, no problem. For the right reward I'm sure you'll find quite a few youngsters from I.C. Colony, Borivali more than willing to do the job. Or how about kidnapping Tom Hanks and leaving him on a deserted island in the middle of nowhere with only a copy of The Da Vinci Code for company? ... and that French chick - I say put her on a diet of snails till she starts to grow a shell. Whatever it is - decide what you want to do and get it done, dammit!

***

Thanks again for all the blogversary wishes. You guys are the best .... And you girls are so sweet, given the chance I'd want to date every one of you!

BFN.

Freedom's just another word
for nothing left to lose

Can we ever be free? Free of this world and all that it demands of us - day after day, year after year ... lifetime after lifetime? There is always something left to lose; something we want to cling to because we're too damn afraid of what will happen if we let go.

Richard Bach once wrote: "When you come to the edge of all the light you have known, and are about to step out into darkness, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something to stand on, or you will be taught to fly."

***

Blues Over Troubled Waters is now in its fourth year. Long time, no? And this year I forgot all about the blogversary (May 11). I want to thank all of you lovely people for being part of this most wonderful experience. My apologies for the vanishing posts and for not replying to comments - that's something I'm very bad at.

Peopel often ask me how I do what I do, especially with regard to them picture-posts. Well, if I were Kaavya Vishwanathan I'd be able to tell you. But I'm not, so I can't ... though I find it quite amusing that some of you think I'm a girl. Do I sound like a girl?

I don't remember who it was that once said to me: 'Thank you, SwB ... you have touched many lives'

... Again, what can I say? You're welcome.

Peace, love, and false prophets.

and I know now
that the reason I loved you so much
is because I loved myself
so little

just keep going
it's not over yet

... for the writing on the wall
usually gets overwritten

all at sea
my thoughts and me

neither captive
... nor free

On these picture-posts (I won't call it poetry - don't want to upset any of the 'real' poets) of mine that seem to be quite popular, I've often wondered whether, if shown the same picture, you guys would be thinking pretty much the same thing I was.

So I'll tell you what: this time you'll come up with words/poetry/whatever to go with the picture you see below (keep it short, no ram-kahani's). Leave your entries in the comment box (multiple entries allowed) .... show us how spicy them brains really are! :)

is it really
what's inside
that matters

... or is it more
what's underneath?

.... and yet
there is always hope

for however hard it might seem
it is better to untangle the knots
than to burn the rope

I discovered something about myself today. I was sitting in one of those Pure-veg Udipi type restaurants having a sev batata puri and chai with my cousin Q (who is a 6'2" giant) when the table next to us got occupied by a guy and what appeared to be his girlfriend. Almost as soon as they were seated, the girl started talking - loud enough for us to hear. And she talked non-stop ... something about how she's always been over-emotional (since childhood, that too) and how she gets hurt easily and such bla-bla bullshit. To make matters worse, she had the most irritating voice. How that guy could sit across that table from her and patiently listen to that crap is something unbelievable. Yeah, I bet she must be making him really good coffee :)

And then it hit me -- I can't relate to women that much anymore, I just can't. No, I'm not turning gay; I like women, but the problem is most of the time they drive me bludy insane. Given a choice between going out for drinks with the guys and a romantic candlelight dinner (ewww!) with a girl, I know I will definitely pick the former.

I guess it's got something to do with the fact that most of the dames I've encountered over the years (and some of them were real namunas) had one thing in common: their conversations were terribly boring; and most of the time they'd be yapping about themselves - about how they were like this or like that, and how much they loved whatever it is they frikkin' loved, or how adorable their bludy pets were!

Anyway, that's what I discovered about myself today -- I'm not a woman guy. Now the problem is: how does a non-woman guy like me put up with a woman? And is there really something wrong with me, or is it just that I haven't met my kinda girl yet? ... Dammit, where is my Janis Joplin?

***

The onset of summer means it's time for our annual dose of those soft-drink 'ads that drive you mad'. First off the blocks this season was Coke with Aishwarya Rai and her Thande ka Tadka (will someone please tell me what that means - my Hindi ain't that good). I did a little web search just now to find out what exactly this ad was trying to convey and came across this:

Coca-Cola India V.P. (Marketing) Vikas Gupta said, "The youth of today is rearing to take on the world. They are smart, energetic, focused, and confident enough to transform their aspirations into reality. Coca Cola’s Thande ka Tadka campaign connects instantly with this evolved persona. The campaign ad features Aishwarya in a totally new avatar. She uses emotions like wit and humor and encourages us all to take control of one’s life without being intimidated."

I think Mr. Vikas Gupta would be an excellent candidate for the Great Indian Laughter Challenge, don't you? Because I'd say the last thing any youth rearing to take on the world needs in his system is bludy shakkar-paani containing pesticide.

Then today I saw the Mirinda ad with a punchline that goes "Karo mouth ka good use" (LOL - that should definitely win the Golden Chooha at Cannes this year). If you ask me "Karo brains ka kuch use" is what we should be saying to the people who came up with that piece of brilliance!

And will we see Shahrukh in another Pepsi ad soon? I can hardly wait ... Nothing more fun that doing spoofs of King Khan and his Queen K-K-K-Karan.

***

Well - it seems Carol's wardrobe malfunction clip is now busy doing the rounds via MMS. Our man Ally should be mighty pleased to hear that. But I doubt it will bother Carol too much. I heard her say on NDTV that she she don't give a damn what popped out and what stayed in. Hell, now Carol's my kinda girl .... If only I looked like bludy Upen Patel!

Peace, love, and the beauty to go with the brains.

what I am
what I want
what I dream
what I deserve
don't matter no more

the world is my pimp
and I am its whore

So, we had Nipplegate India at the Lakme Fashion Week yesterday. But I thought good ol' Carol Gracias handled her so-called wardrobe malfunction pretty well. My buddy Ally though is very angry with the news channels.

Bleddy shit dude, can you believe how those news buggers censored that part? This is a democratic country and we all have a right to see Carol's tits!

But what if Carol does not want us to see them?

Dude, what Carol wants does not matter. Everybody over there saw it ... I'm telling you, that bleddy Prannoy Roy must have seen that clip hundred times yesterday! So how dare they censor it when they're showing it to us!

Well, it's not such a big thing really; you've seen how often models walk the ramp topless at fashion shows abroad. In fact I think it's good that it happened; now designers here won't have to worry too much when they design something flimsy or revealing.

But that's what I'm saying dude - nothing is being revealed to us!

What is the big deal, man? They're just tits - everybody has them.

Now you please don't marao that Notting Hill ka dialogue! ... Bleddy Pudding is fida over that chutia Hugh Grant.

Yeah, he's quite a heartthrob.

Dude I'm telling you, we should pack off all our girls to those western countries and bring those firang chicks here. See how bindaast they are - no bleddy nakras like our dames. And everything happens so fatafat: boy asks girl for a date, girl happily says yes, date khattam ho gaya he drops her home, then they have a slightly awkward moment at her doorstep ... and then she says the magic word!

...which is?

COFFEE dude! Would you like to come in for coffee? Coffee = sex, don't you know? And that's it - mission accomplished. Here we have to fight a bleddy Vietnam War just to get laid!

Yeah well, things are different here.

Exactly. So if our dames like white buggers and we like white dames, then why not exchange? That way everybody's happy.

You and your brilliant ideas! Anyway, I feel kinda bad for Carol. It would have been a lot more fun if it was Preity Zinta or someone.

Arre baaap! ... haan yaar, Preity's zintas would have rocked the nation. Sonia Gandhi could have quietly taken back her resignation and nobody would have known!

LOL, yeah she could have. You can be quite funny at times, you know Ally.

Sense of humour, dude ... chicks love it! OK I'll ask you riddle: Why is a fashion-show ramp also called a runway?

I'm not sure. Why??

Because if you sit too close to the babes, your plane will take off!!

they say the mirror
never lies

... though sometimes it just
makes up the truth

tell me Master
is it true
that it is I
who hold the strings
and not You?

maybe
this life
is not what I was meant for

maybe
I was meant
for better things

... or maybe
I was meant
for nothing at all

fate
most cruel
took you from me

leaving behind a picture
that refuses to fade

we all need
a wind beneath our wings

... those of us especially
who cannot fly.

Every tear you cry
fills an ocean
in which one day
I will drown.

International Women's Day 2006

for Baby

you only truly love somebody
when both sides of the coin
look exactly the same

You must stop
being a dreamer,
she said.

... like someone
who chooses to sing
only because he stutters
when he speaks.

I had an interesting converstaion with my buddy Ally this morning, on a problem that has many around the world very concerned over its effects.

Dude, tell me everything you know about PMS!

Well - for one, I know that the Church very strongly condemns it.

What?? But what has the Church got to do with-

You're talking about Pre-Marital Sex, right? :)

Abbe yaar, tu bhi na! ... I'm serious, you bugger. Tell me what you bleddy know about PMS!

How the hell should I know about this stuff man ... go ask Pudding! (his girlfriend Sandra)

Dude, I cannot ask her - she is the reason I'm asking you. Because these days whenever I ask her to go out with me, she starts complaining that she's going through PMS! .... I know that all women get it sometime, but of late our dame has been bleddy getting it all the time! Iss month mein already teen baar ho gaya ... my love-life is getting screwed, boss!

Maybe she should see a doctor.

I told here the same thing, but she says no use wasting money on doctors because this is a natural change her bodily system is undergoing .... And you know what she told me is the cause behind it -- Global Warming!!

Global warming?? She can't be serious!

I'm telling you dude, she's saying that as the climate gets hotter and hotter, she is going to get more and more PMS ... which means I am bleddy going to get nothing!

I think your Pudding is pulling a fast one on you, bro.

But what if it's true dude - what if she is the first woman in the world to experience this kind of change due to global warming?

Holy shit, man! ... yeah, I guess there does have to be a first. Maybe we should report her to the New England Journal of Medicine!

Abbe, paagal ho gaya kya?? We have to keep it a top-secret! ... Goverment's will fall dude; there might even be a Third World War over global warming! Where women are involved, anything is bleddy possible!

You know, you're right. This could turn out to be a very serious matter.

Yeah dude, I know. Anyways, I'm fed up of Pudding and all her bleddy nonsense. So this weekend I'm going to see a movie with Moushami - remember that Bong chick I was telling you about? So far at least, she has not shown any symptoms arising from global warming!

Make hay while the sun shines?

Yes dude ... and these days it is shining hotter than ever! :)

... And what is Love
but a captivating illusion
in a forbidding reality?

Thanks for all your comments on the Rang De Basanti post. What my friend xFreakx said finally was quite interesting -- "you don't expect anyone to go watch a movie and get awakened to those levels ... its finally entertainment!"

And entertainment it is. Which is why I'm wondering why people (and that includes the production team) didn't just call it another time-pass flick in the first place. I realize now that the so-called message was only intended to be ancillary to everything else. So take away the cinematography and the music, and what you're left with is-- a flop! (unfortunately even good acting cannot rescue a watery storyline).

Fair enough. And that is why I fully agree with Patrix when he says we shouldn't bother sending our films to the Oscars anymore. Because obviously the jury there expects more from a film than just its ability to provide its viewers with time-pass.

xFreakx also said something about a kind of subconscious awakening. Is a subconscious awakening really an awakening? Frankly I'm not too sure.

I remember how after watching that Karate Kid movie when we were kids, the first thing I wanted to do was sign up for karate classes. Hell yeah! I would be the underdog who'd surprise the bully's in school by kicking the shit outta their ugly asses when they least expected it. But did I do it? Well, I did take up karate in school but that didn't last long; and soon Karate Kid was history.

I guess in a way we are all wannabe Karate Kid's - you and me. And movies like Rang De Basanti make you believe that you could be that Karate Kid if you wanted to ... that you could make everything all right again by throwing a few punches here and a few kicks there. But in reality it is an entirely different story.

But y'know, having said that, I remember something our michelle once said to me: I watch movies to get away from reality. Why do you watch them?

:)

***

They say an unextinguished cigarette butt can set off a forest-fire covering thousands of acres. That certainly seems to be the case with the worldwide protests we're seeing over some caricatures of the Prophet Mohammed that were published in a Danish newspaper and reprinted in many other countries. The Danish publication says they never expected the repercussions to be so widespread and so violent. And now it is quite obvious that the cartoon issue is being used as an excuse for violence on other things that the Islamic world is pissed off about.

I do not understand why religious leaders do not stop their followers from resorting to violence at the slightest provocation .... why not talk some sense into people who look up to you for guidance instead of inciting them to go on the rampage. And why can't religion just stick to being a personal set of beliefs instead of turning into a collective nuisance?

I know I wouldn't be the slightest bit peeved if someone said or published anything about Jesus or Mary, the reason being that for me they will always continue to be Jesus and Mary. Nothing anybody says or does will change that. And I am sure there are many followers of the Islamic faith who feel the same way about the Prophet.

Peace, love, and not so many lost sheep.

O.K. I know I am going to get a lot of flak for this post, but what the hell, it's never stopped me before. So here goes.

Rang De Basanti -- An immature film for immature audiences.

If Mr. Rakeysh Mehra keeps making films like this, he's going to have to insert many more y's into his name before he sees a change in his fortunes. To me this film is like a brightly coloured cocktail that looks good in the glass, but one that you just cannot drink because it tastes so bludy awful.

And yes, I did taste it. I went to see it yesterday afternoon and came away thoroughly disappointed. It looks to me like the makers of this film were determined to pack in as much entertainment as they possibly could in the first-half, and then after the interval you get the feeling that they're saying: Okay folks, we've given you what you came for, now let's wrap it up quickly and go home!

In the first-half Aamir Khan appears to have gone back into Dil Chahta Hai mode with all the youthful mauj-masti ... only this time it's a bit of an overdose (there is also the fact that the wrinkles on his face are now starting to show). There are a few catchy tunes to keep you awake and a steady stream of one-liners that I did not find even remotely funny; though others in the audience seemed to be lapping it up with relish. The second-half of the movie is such utter nonsense, it's surprising that someone like Aamir would want to have anything to do with it. Perhaps it was the failure of Mangal Pandey that pushed him into it.

If this was never intended to be a serious movie with a serious message, then I guess it would have been okay -- we've come not to expect too much from Hindi movies anyway. But after listening to what Aamir and the rest of the production team had to say on NDTV recently, I thought they were actually trying to get a serious message across.

And honestly, I didn't expect that message to be something as jejune as: "Don't just sit there and complain, go out and change the system. Join the armed forces, the civil services; get into politics and make a difference!"

But what was really shocking was the way the film goes about conveying this message during the second-half. First Aamir and his pals assassinate the country's Defence Minister (whom they blame for their air-force pilot friends' death in a faulty MIG) and then after realizing their folly, go live on All India Radio and tell listeners not to do what they have done; that they were wrong! No, the right way to change the system is not to finish off all the politicians and bureaucrats, but to join their ranks and do it from the inside! ... Seriously, what do they think we are - a bunch of primary school students??

And how many young men and women do you think will be inspired to join the armed forces when the movie itself shows the Indian Air Force and the Defence Ministry in such a bad light? ... After watching this film, I doubt there will be too many out there eager to be strapped down in a flying coffin, just so they can be called martyr's.

So now do you see why I call it immature? Because the film is childish and contradicts itself.

I think film-makers like Rakeysh Mehra tend to forget that there are people in the audience who expect more than just the regular time-pass fare. 'Change the system' it seems. Well, I'm sure educated men like Mehra know fully well that the system cannot be changed. The rot has set in too deep. Changing it would be akin to taking out so many bricks from the wall that eventually the wall itself will come crashing down. And in a country like India, a collapse like that could be disastrous. Hence, I tend to side with those who argue that a corrupt system that manages to preserve law and order is better than having no system at all ... which would result in anarchy and chaos.

With all due respect to those of you who think it deserves a 5-star rating, I personally would not give Rang De Basanti anything more than one-and-a-half stars out of five. One star because all the actors put in quality performances, and an extra half because Alice Patten did such a wonderful job of her Hindi.

BFN.