for you
sitting there
wondering
what's wrong
which song
how long

Catching up with the noose. The chances of us being stricken with diabetes are getting higher and higher if this latest study is to believed. If you're Goan you know all about diabetes. I'm sure if they did a community wise study we'd come out tops. Like a family heirloom it gets passed down the generations. The uncles and aunties even make jokes about the Killer D like it was nothing. Like this old dude at a party last week who had too much to drink. Says to me- Son, if I have one more my sugar will go up; if I have two my wife will give me hell. I'll have one more and stop!

As for me I've lost those cravings. For food especially. The guys wanted to go somewhere yesterday being Friday night and all, but I wasn't interested. Because apart from a few variations the food is the same wherever you go -- it's always something Makhani, Hyderabadi, Lasooni, Adraki, Peshawari, Lahori, Kolhapuri and shit like that. Only thing that changes is the colour of the gravy and a few ingredients here and there depending on what you order. Couple weeks back we had Murg Maratha which caused more damage to my system than a bunch of MNS thugs on the rampage; felt like someone was shooting fire down my intestines!

Other option is to go to the expensive places where you can't pronounce half the items on the menu (if at all you know what they are) and end up eating some strange looking stuff that's dressed up all pretty. I'll pass on both.

I mean why do people make such a big deal about food? I never get that. Travelling all the way across town just to eat something 'special' is madness in my book. Anyway, I hope they're getting enough exercise to burn away those calories or the Killer D's gonna get them. Pair that up with high blood pressure or cholesterol and you have a recipe for disaster! Literally.

***

So - Om Puri made out with his servant girl. Or servant girls. Don't know if he did two at a time or one after another. Doesn't matter either way. And though his wife who happens to have written his biography claims this revelation is not a marketing gimmick I can't think of it being anything else. Why else would she be so 'open' about it. And that story that came out yesterday of Om being hopping mad at her and all - what a load of croc! As if he didn't already know. I mean c'mon - which wife would tolerate her husband making out with the servant. Unless she's been doing the same with the gardener! Funny folk these rich and famous.

Like I read about the Big B being upset that Shahrukh didn't acknowledge his birthday SMS. He wrote about it on his blog it seems. If I meet Amitabh Bachchan I will ask him: Dude, just who do you think you are - God? Because if I'm not mistaken that's what Shahrukh thinks!

***

Speaking of God, this is funny. Or not. Depending on which side of the temple wall you're sitting. People often ask me my religious views. Well, I'm not the most devout of people but I do believe in God. And I do pray. I believe we can't make it on our own. But if you think you can, great for you. Just don't advertise it too much. Because people will laugh when they see you storming the heavens while awaiting the results of a test that could confirm the existence of a life threatening disease or when a loved one is fighting for his/her life, and you can do nothing. Except pray. Beautifully written post by Judy I think everyone should read.

***

Albert King - Blues at Sunrise. Live with Stevie Ray Vaughn.

Overheard:

Girl (checking out handbags at a roadside vendor) to her boyfriend/husband: Which one - black or red?

Guy: Take whichever, I don't care.

Girl: You don't care?? Then why do you care so much what colour underwear I wear?

Guy: Shut up, you're too loud!

Girl: Black or red?

Guy: Red.

***

B.B. King, Buddy Guy, Eric Clapton & Jimmie Vaughn - Rock me baby! Love these live recordings.

No pillion. Just you, the machine, and the road. And freedom.

I want!

And if I had to choose a 'song for the road' for this baby, there is only one number I would pick. Because anything else just wouldn't say it. (I should get into advertising, I know)

These boys took rock n' roll to where nobody else had the balls to. Not even that creepy looking bugger called Jagger. Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, Keith Moon and the God of bass - John Entwistle, collectively called The Who. Let's see action!

I don't know where I'm going,
I don't know what I need;
but I'll get to where I'm gonna end up,
and that's all right by me.

Not the best of weeks healthwise, but I look on the bright side considering people are popping it at 42! That too health and fitness freaks like Ranjan Das. I reckon it was his theory that 4 hours of sleep was enough to keep Ranjan healthy, wealthy and fine that killed him. I'd have told him he's a damn fool; that it wasn't worth losing his sleep for a company whose profits he helped grow three, four, five times! But would he have listened?

***

Dee is in town with the little guy who is growing up sweetly. A bit too attached to his mother which is never a nice thing - boy's gotta be a man not a sissy. If he was slightly bigger I'd have taken him on a bike ride across to the hills that his mother loved so much. And taught him a few chords on the guitar.

I feel people get it all wrong with their kids these days. I see them spending thousands on DVD's, toys and books - everything they believe a kid must have; part of a good education and all that, but really there is no substitute for spending time with your child. I still remember my grandfather taking us fishing down by the river at our island village in Goa and telling us things - things that probably didn't mean a whole lot to us back then or even make much sense, but which I remember more vividly today than any book I read or movie I watched. Because he took the time - to talk to us and show us stuff. I want to do that for my kids, not spend a thousand bucks on some stupid book or sit them in front of a television set or computer thinking they're getting all they need to know about the world, and life.

***

Caralisa Monteiro with a song from Rock On. For A. Who seems a little down today.

Why don't you have my number saved, I asked her.

I lost my phone and all my contacts.

Where'd you lose it?

In the office toilet.

Didn't you try to get it back?

I don't think I can get it back. Even if I did it's probably no use.

Why, what happened?

You really want to know what happened?

Yes, actually I think this might be interesting.

I had just finished taking a pee and was fastening my salwar pant when the dupatta came in the way and all of a sudden the phone slipped out of my hand straight into the toilet bowl. I hate those bloody salwar khameezes!

Bludy hell - you should have reached in and grabbed it!

Yes but I did not want to put my hand in piss, so I flushed.

You what?? Hahahahaha!

I flushed okay ... I didn't think it would suck the phone in.

I need to Google this but I'd say you're the first person ever to flush a phone down the toilet.

I was so embarrassed to tell my boss ... and I couldn't lie otherwise they'd have informed security about a theft.

Did you check with Lost & Found? The SIM might have made it.

Lost & Found? What are you, crazy? That phone is probably ... yes!

Hahaha, I'm sure they had a laugh too.

Everybody had a laugh. Except me. I lost 16 thousand bucks!

***

But honestly I don't blame her for flushing. You see, toilet bowls are quite unpredictable like that. You never can tell what they will gobble up and what they will leave behind. In what is almost a human like quality, on some days they seem to have this huge appetite and will happily swallow your mobile or even your shoe, and on others they will annoyingly leave a tiny piece of turd behind, as if to say, quite literally - "Look pal, I've had enough of your shit!"

So, lessons learnt -- Don't take your phone to the loo; even if you must take it to the loo don't hold it in your hand coz in the toilet it's better to have both your hands free (you never know for what); don't wear complicated clothing (frankly I'm all for a ban on salwar khameezes in offices); but most importantly: never buy expensive phone.

Anybody feel like sharing their phone-loss tragedies or other toilet related mishaps feel free.

***

Last day of Diwali holiday. Still have to file (and pay) my taxes for last year. I shudder to think how much the interest will come to. Terrible, terrible thing - procastrination.

Stevie Nicks & Fleetwood Mac - Go your own way.

What's the most fun you can have at Diwali?

Bursting a big cracker bomb behind the bastard who's been bursting big cracker bombs non-stop for the past one hour ruining your bludy peace! Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is more fun than seeing the sonofabich jump and squeal with fright like a three-year-old wondering whether his arse was on fire!

Try it sometimes. Super-fun. Just make sure he doesn't see you coming up behind him.

***

And for those of you not adventurous enough to have a go at above-mentioned fun or those who simply don't have anything else to do here's a blog to keep you busy right till Monday evening. It's kinda like a good book, you just don't want to put it down. Autobiography of an Ordinary Man. Love it!

As for me I was thinking of visiting V and S this afternoon. S runs her own beauty salon and has been after me to get a pedicure and facial ever since that trip to Goa where she counted more blackheads on my face than rocks at Palolem. And she refuses to accept the argument that a pedicure, simply put, is sissy! C'mon, I said to her, which man with an ounce of testosterone in his body would be seen getting a pedicure? Darling, she says to me, you have no idea. Men are doing the most unmanly things to themselves these days ... like spending 1,200 bucks getting their bodies waxed every two weeks!

Does that include the jardaloos, I asked? No, she laughed. That you gotta do yourself.

***

Two fabulous ladies, one lovely country song - Linda Ronstadt & Emmylou Harris ... Across the border. For the Cloudcutter. No clouds today, only clear blue skies.

It struck me the other day when I clicked on a program in my Start Menu and nothing happened. Two, three, four times, nothing. But each time I hit Ctrl+Alt+Del it showed program running. Something must be wrong with Task Manager as well, I concluded, telling me that the damn thing is running. Called up the IT Helpdesk and they said you gotta wait, it takes time this particular application. So I tried again, and this time I waited. And what do you know - after something like half a minute it started.

And I had to wonder if that is what we do with our lives as well in this day and age when nobody has time. Do we end task sooner than we should out of sheer impatience? Should we be giving ourselves more time? Should we be giving others more time? Because some of us just need longer to get going.

***

Dolores O'Riordan and the Cranberries. For someone I miss every now and then whenever I think about her. Perhaps with a little time things would have been different.

What happened finally to that Air India stewardess who was manhandled by her Captain and Co? See, that's the problem with the media in our country - no follow-up. On the day things happen they make such a noise and then nothing. Did they sack the two bastards or did they admonish the girl for entering the cockpit unannounced only to find Arora commandeering Chopra's joystick in mid-flight? Which is what I suspect really happened.

Whatever it is I want to know or I'm not flying Air India again. Not that I plan to fly Air India anyway. Not if I can help it.

***

Voting day in Maharashtra today. In what is really a choice between the bad and the ugly. Or the insane rather!

And we're supposed to have a holiday but the slave-drivers told us to vote and come to work. It does not take a whole day to cast your vote, we were told somewhat matter-of-factly.

Yes we know that, I wanted to say, but it's an important choice that needs careful consideration. And time. We're not voting for school House Captain here, you know!

Talk about voting for House Captain, man I remember what an event that used to be. We had four houses - Peacock, Eagle, Falcon and- damn, I forget the fourth (Michelle/Royston do you remember?). All the guys wanted to be in Eagle or Falcon quite simply because Peacock was pussy! And at the beginning of the class year we had to vote for House Captain. Each ones 'house' was allotted to us randomly by the teacher and for a year or two I suffered in Peacock. Then I got put in Eagle and I was flying high again. Anyway, House Captain was someone who had to be an all-rounder - meaning he had to have the personality and proven capabilities in the sporting and academic arenas. I had neither so I was never in contention. But the non-performers like myself did have the power to ruin someones year by denying him/her the position of House Captain (what perks it carried I never understood, but still many wanted it). And people always remember when you screw them over, know what I'm saying? So the year we all plotted and denied the show-off Chetan the honour in favour of the babe Sujata - Chetan never forgot that. He tried to win us over with all kinds of bullshit ... all Sujata had to do was smile her dimpled smile and say - Pleasssse vote for me guys!

Problem with our politicians is they're all bludy bullshitters. Makes me think we need some pretty wimmen in the fray. Even if the power does go to their heads. I wouldn't mind having statues of some hottie all over the place, would you? We'll take that over a dead warrior anyday!

From Wide Open Spaces, the Dixie Chicks - I can love you better.

Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't it the idea behind wearing a funny T-shirt that you make people laugh? So why then did this girl with the very fine pair of ladybumps who I passed on the street the other day give me a very dirty look when I read what was on her shirt and laughed? Because in big bold lettering right across them twin peaks it said: DON'T FORGET TO BLINK!

I don't know. People are weird.

***

People are also stupid. What else can explain why folks who cannot swim will step onto a tour-boat in a lake in Kerala when those boats have been known to sink more than they stay afloat. And then as if none of them had ever studied physics in school they all crowd onto one side of the damn thing capsizing it, apparently to get a glimpse (and some fotos I assume) of a bunch of elephants!

But when I told this to one of the guys at work he shot back at me saying: Why do people who can't fly step onto an airplane?

Hmmm. I suspect he can't swim.

***

People are also bludy crazy! Paying Amitabh Bachchan one hundred and twenty six crores to host Bigg Boss 3. I saw the opening episode yesterday and I only hope the folks at Colors have done their homework. Because unless Sherlyn, Shamita and the German chick get into a hot lesbian threesome I don't see how that crap is going to make any money.

As for Rakhi Sawant's mom, oh my sweet God -- they say every woman ends up looking like her mother at some point of time, but if that is what Rakhi is going to look like 20 years from now (or even less), Elesh my man - you better run while you can!

Does anybody have a foto of Priyanka's mother?

***

Thanks for all the emails, comments and the FB messages you sent me on the 30th. A special thanks to a certain someone who raised me many a toast and also went so far as to almost invent a new cocktail from a perfectly fine shot of 18-year-old single malt only because 'it had to be perfect'. Thanks G.

It was the birdie of the Bun on the 3rd and this song's for her. One of the biggest hits of 1969 - Creedence Clearwater Revival - Proud Mary.