It's all a blur sometime. Waking up in the morning feels the same as going to bed at night. It's like the day never happened. In a year when I came so close to losing everything, perhaps even my life if I were a few days late to get to hospital, very little of what I considered normal before, now makes sense.   

My favourite music is all that keeps me going. The songs I listened to growing up. They remind me of those days when life was good, even though back then it felt like it could have been better. But I know now that's probably the best I could ever have hoped to get.

The past pops up in my head in flashbacks -- the first girl I loved, the first job I held, the continuous struggle just to show the world I was worth something. When in fact the world didn't care - for me, or my struggles, or for what I was worth. Because the truth is we are worth nothing. I know that now. 

I'm not perfect but I tried. To be the best version of myself that I could possibly be. On occasions I succeeded, and on others I failed miserably. But like a criminal you are punished for what you did wrong and rarely rewarded or even acknowledged for what you tried to do right. 

In a time when hardly anybody reads stuff like this anymore, I want to write about it, write about everything I'm feeling. Even though I don't want to talk about it out loud. Just like the song. 

I don't want to talk about it,
how you broke my heart.

If I stay here just a little bit longer;

if I stay here won't you listen?

To my heart.

My heart is broken but my body trudges on. While my mind has other ideas.