What's the most fun you can have at Diwali?

Bursting a big cracker bomb behind the bastard who's been bursting big cracker bombs non-stop for the past one hour ruining your bludy peace! Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is more fun than seeing the sonofabich jump and squeal with fright like a three-year-old wondering whether his arse was on fire!

Try it sometimes. Super-fun. Just make sure he doesn't see you coming up behind him.

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And for those of you not adventurous enough to have a go at above-mentioned fun or those who simply don't have anything else to do here's a blog to keep you busy right till Monday evening. It's kinda like a good book, you just don't want to put it down. Autobiography of an Ordinary Man. Love it!

As for me I was thinking of visiting V and S this afternoon. S runs her own beauty salon and has been after me to get a pedicure and facial ever since that trip to Goa where she counted more blackheads on my face than rocks at Palolem. And she refuses to accept the argument that a pedicure, simply put, is sissy! C'mon, I said to her, which man with an ounce of testosterone in his body would be seen getting a pedicure? Darling, she says to me, you have no idea. Men are doing the most unmanly things to themselves these days ... like spending 1,200 bucks getting their bodies waxed every two weeks!

Does that include the jardaloos, I asked? No, she laughed. That you gotta do yourself.

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Two fabulous ladies, one lovely country song - Linda Ronstadt & Emmylou Harris ... Across the border. For the Cloudcutter. No clouds today, only clear blue skies.

It struck me the other day when I clicked on a program in my Start Menu and nothing happened. Two, three, four times, nothing. But each time I hit Ctrl+Alt+Del it showed program running. Something must be wrong with Task Manager as well, I concluded, telling me that the damn thing is running. Called up the IT Helpdesk and they said you gotta wait, it takes time this particular application. So I tried again, and this time I waited. And what do you know - after something like half a minute it started.

And I had to wonder if that is what we do with our lives as well in this day and age when nobody has time. Do we end task sooner than we should out of sheer impatience? Should we be giving ourselves more time? Should we be giving others more time? Because some of us just need longer to get going.

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Dolores O'Riordan and the Cranberries. For someone I miss every now and then whenever I think about her. Perhaps with a little time things would have been different.

What happened finally to that Air India stewardess who was manhandled by her Captain and Co? See, that's the problem with the media in our country - no follow-up. On the day things happen they make such a noise and then nothing. Did they sack the two bastards or did they admonish the girl for entering the cockpit unannounced only to find Arora commandeering Chopra's joystick in mid-flight? Which is what I suspect really happened.

Whatever it is I want to know or I'm not flying Air India again. Not that I plan to fly Air India anyway. Not if I can help it.

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Voting day in Maharashtra today. In what is really a choice between the bad and the ugly. Or the insane rather!

And we're supposed to have a holiday but the slave-drivers told us to vote and come to work. It does not take a whole day to cast your vote, we were told somewhat matter-of-factly.

Yes we know that, I wanted to say, but it's an important choice that needs careful consideration. And time. We're not voting for school House Captain here, you know!

Talk about voting for House Captain, man I remember what an event that used to be. We had four houses - Peacock, Eagle, Falcon and- damn, I forget the fourth (Michelle/Royston do you remember?). All the guys wanted to be in Eagle or Falcon quite simply because Peacock was pussy! And at the beginning of the class year we had to vote for House Captain. Each ones 'house' was allotted to us randomly by the teacher and for a year or two I suffered in Peacock. Then I got put in Eagle and I was flying high again. Anyway, House Captain was someone who had to be an all-rounder - meaning he had to have the personality and proven capabilities in the sporting and academic arenas. I had neither so I was never in contention. But the non-performers like myself did have the power to ruin someones year by denying him/her the position of House Captain (what perks it carried I never understood, but still many wanted it). And people always remember when you screw them over, know what I'm saying? So the year we all plotted and denied the show-off Chetan the honour in favour of the babe Sujata - Chetan never forgot that. He tried to win us over with all kinds of bullshit ... all Sujata had to do was smile her dimpled smile and say - Pleasssse vote for me guys!

Problem with our politicians is they're all bludy bullshitters. Makes me think we need some pretty wimmen in the fray. Even if the power does go to their heads. I wouldn't mind having statues of some hottie all over the place, would you? We'll take that over a dead warrior anyday!

From Wide Open Spaces, the Dixie Chicks - I can love you better.

Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't it the idea behind wearing a funny T-shirt that you make people laugh? So why then did this girl with the very fine pair of ladybumps who I passed on the street the other day give me a very dirty look when I read what was on her shirt and laughed? Because in big bold lettering right across them twin peaks it said: DON'T FORGET TO BLINK!

I don't know. People are weird.

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People are also stupid. What else can explain why folks who cannot swim will step onto a tour-boat in a lake in Kerala when those boats have been known to sink more than they stay afloat. And then as if none of them had ever studied physics in school they all crowd onto one side of the damn thing capsizing it, apparently to get a glimpse (and some fotos I assume) of a bunch of elephants!

But when I told this to one of the guys at work he shot back at me saying: Why do people who can't fly step onto an airplane?

Hmmm. I suspect he can't swim.

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People are also bludy crazy! Paying Amitabh Bachchan one hundred and twenty six crores to host Bigg Boss 3. I saw the opening episode yesterday and I only hope the folks at Colors have done their homework. Because unless Sherlyn, Shamita and the German chick get into a hot lesbian threesome I don't see how that crap is going to make any money.

As for Rakhi Sawant's mom, oh my sweet God -- they say every woman ends up looking like her mother at some point of time, but if that is what Rakhi is going to look like 20 years from now (or even less), Elesh my man - you better run while you can!

Does anybody have a foto of Priyanka's mother?

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Thanks for all the emails, comments and the FB messages you sent me on the 30th. A special thanks to a certain someone who raised me many a toast and also went so far as to almost invent a new cocktail from a perfectly fine shot of 18-year-old single malt only because 'it had to be perfect'. Thanks G.

It was the birdie of the Bun on the 3rd and this song's for her. One of the biggest hits of 1969 - Creedence Clearwater Revival - Proud Mary.

how old you are
is all the years spent
wishing, waiting, hoping, praying

how young you are
is all the years spent
living

What was intended to be just another ride downtown to grab a couple of beers ended up in over 2 grand parting ways with us because the band in attendance was Soulmate, the blues outfit from Shillong, which I've read so much about on Eve's.

With some very talented musicians and a brilliant lead vocalist (Tipriti 'Tips' Kharbangar I believe her name is) who, when she gets going, sounds like she's got the devil trapped inside her, they sound good - very good. Only problem is they tend to stick to the formula too much if you know what I mean. Because a great bluesman is someone who can take it off the road and still not lose the way. That's what makes you special. Which is why after listening to Soulmate for over two hours last night I'll say they are good but they ain't special. Which doesn't mean they don't have it in them. On the contrary they are one of the best live acts I've heard in a long time.

There's a fine line between the blues and rock n' roll and Soulmate seemed to cross that line quite often. Because when people get up and start dancing you know you've left the blues behind. Coz the blues is music for the soul, not the feet. Or maybe I'm being too harsh. It's always more difficult when you're live in front of a crowd that don't know Albert Collins from Albert King, so maybe that was what was driving their track selection. Which is why I'd love to get my hands on their CD.

They play at the Blue Frog, Sept 30, Mumbai City. Catch them if you can. The girl is awesome - she's like that V12 under the hood - she is the powerhouse! Without her I reckon Soulmate would be nowhere close to the act it is.

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Thanks for all your comments on the previous post. I especially liked that long one by Scratchpost ... made me laugh. Yeah, those are the kind of ads I'd like to see. Why do people focus so much on looks anyway? Because really it doesn't mean a thing if there is a union of souls.

For Scratchpost - the great John Lee Hooker with Bonnie Raitt. Now this is a song I'd love to hear 'Tips' sing. Coz I tell you man - she can get anyone in the mood!

What if people were really honest when putting out matrimonials. Wouldn't that be - interesting?

Male aged so-and-so working as bla-bla-bla seeks beautiful homely girl with hot sweltering body, experienced in the ancient art of lovemaking, with good culinary skills and well paying job.

End of story. I think women would actually appreciate that. So you may be flooded with calls from various escort agencies offering just that without the hassle of marriage, but still, it's worth a shot wouldn't you say?

Same goes for the women. Why not something like -- Seeking nice gentle man with sober habits and non-philandering ways, having tons of money and no blocked arteries.

I think it'll work, I really do.

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But on a more serious note - why do people lie? Why would a girl who's dark as the night call herself wheatish, and why would someone with an ass that could hold half the floodwater in Wadala call herself slim? Beats me. Or do they believe that other favourable aspects of themselves which will emerge subsequently would cover up for the bits they lied about. I don't know.

Honesty in these matters is very important I think -- Look honey, I'm an ugly old bastard who can't offer you much - just the love of a good man and a beer on weekends. Or some red wine if you prefer. Plus I'll sing for you when you're blue.

Why not?

Anybody interested you know where to reach me.

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The Bellamy Brothers ... If I said you had a beautiful body.

I don't know why but I have this great urge to sing this song ... make that get very drunk and sing this song. Anybody game?

***

When the Afreen video came out most men I knew were unanimous on one thing: Lisa Ray was the most gorgeous creature ever to walk this earth. So it made me very sad yesterday to read that she's got an incurable cancer.

A couple of weeks back I met this really nice guy who quit his job in the US so he could be with his wife who is suffering from cancer of the breast. Talking to him I couldn't help being overcome with sympathy, to the point where I felt like giving him a hug and saying hang in there mate. You see, she is only 26.

And Lisa is 37. Not old enough we'd think. But hey, these days it's age no bar. And so it amuses me greatly to see some people planning for their retirement and shit like that. Retirement?? When is that - 58 ... 60?? Not a chance in hell dude! Not unless you're the bludy Queen.

So make the most of today, live it up and make peace with whoever you'd like to see dead. Because they might just kick it sooner than you know!

And know what you would do if you had a million bucks. Not very easy let me tell you. Not unless you happen to be Gujarati ... in which case you'd most likely be thinking about how to turn it into 10 million!




PS: Looking through the comments on Lisa's blog I spotted this one:

"Lisa.. you still have a long way to go. I’ll pray for your recovery in our temple (70 kms from Hyderabad). It’s very powerful deity. I am sure you’ll be normal soon."

What did I tell you about anything being possible in Andhra Pradesh! :)

I'm just thinking: If the Chinks can come in and paint our boulders red supposedly to mark 'their' territory, why can't we do something similar? In a manner that is distinctly Indian, costs nothing, and which will work better than anything else to keep those rotters from the People's Army at bay. Yes I'm talking good ol' Desi turd. Get an entire battalion to do the job on every rock and boulder in that part of our border with China and incursions will end pronto. We may not be able to beat you militarily Great Dragon, but we can certainly give you shit!

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Kaminey. The ending takes you straight back to one of those crappy movies from the 80's where everyone comes together for one final showdown and anyone who doesn't need to stay alive gets killed. Only reason I went to see it to be honest is because I have developed a deep love for every inch of Priyanka Chopra's body, who these days looks totally ravishing in every role she does. Other than that it was two hours of complete nonsense.

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Fair bit of shit goin' down in Andhra politics as well from the looks of it. With Sr. Reddy gone and Jr. Reddy not quite ready, poor Sonia appears to be in something of a fix, what with many in the State Cabinet not ready to accept anybody other than a Reddy. I reckon they'd have reinstated the old man's ghost if that were even remotely possible. Weirder things have been known to happen in Andhra Pradesh, so you never can tell.

Quite a shitty post this has turned out to be. Oh well - it's good to clear the system sometimes.

From the TV series Miami Vice, Jan Hammer with Crockett's Theme.

Overheard a girl saying on her phone:

"When will you men realize that I don't know is not an answer!"

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And I had to smile. Looked at her and smiled. She looked angry. Very angry.

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But that's how it is with us guys. There are some things we just don't know. It's hard to explain.

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I smiled because there's this girl I met recently. Pretty much everything I'd be looking for in a girl. Okay so she didn't have that Jessica Alba smile, Angelina lips or Megan Fox body, but what the hell - she was nice. But when someone asked me if I'd want to meet her again I said I don't know. Now saying I don't know usually means you're leaning towards the negative, but in this case I'm pretty much right there in the middle -- I simply do not know.

And so I'm in a bit of a quandary. Because if she calls me I know that's not the answer she wants to hear.

Bette Davis Eyes. No, she didn't have those either.