Why was Vijay Mallya looking like he'd bet his entire liquor empire and Katrina Kaif to go with it?

But well done Adam Gilchrist and the Deccan Chargers.

***

OK - So maybe I was a little off the mark in that previous post about you wimmen. Or maybe I'm just been mixing with the wrong kind as Karuna says, but then you can't choose the dumb-asses you work with, can you?

Which is something the kid and I talk about all the time - there is not one dame in the office you can have a decent conversation with. Somebody is surely screwing up somewhere.

***

Agent Green Glass. Anyone heard of her? I won't start with the adjectives, I'll just say this - I've waited a long time to read a blog like this! Stumbled upon it yesterday afternoon while on a visit to Clem at Bandra Buggers and it ended up ruining my siesta. But it was worth every wink of sleep lost. She says she likes the Blues, well I'll tell you what babe - I love you!! Rock on.

***

Talking of Bandra buggers, our man Al totally cracked me up yesterday (we normally talk on Sundays). Says to me- Dude you know what's this Tweeter shit?

I think you mean Twitter, I said.

Haan that only.

It's something like instant messaging. I'm not sure how it works exactly but I hear it's quite popular. Why, what happened?

No I was just wondering. Because when Pudding said she wants me to check her tweets I thought she was referring to some part of her body!

***

Big delegation of goras visiting the office today. I hate having to kowtow to the buggers. Actually I don't, everyone else does. Just coz someone's skin is a few shades lighter doesn't mean you have to drop everything and hanker after them. That's something we Indians just can't seem to shake off.

And all that wining and dining in 5 star hotels is another pain. They want to eat kebab ... and there they'll believe anything you tell them. Oh this is not spicy, you'll love it. Okay, I try it then. Ha! Just think - we could send them to hell if we wanted to. One plate of guaranteed-to-make-you-shit kebab will do the job quite nicely.

Carly Simon on a warm Monday morning. From way back 1972 - You're so Vain. Nice week.

It's quite interesting the way women look at the two things we men are most passionate about - sports and machines.

Lets talk about sports first. We were trying get some of the girls in the office to participate in this IPL fantasy game we've been playing (where you contribute 10 bucks every day and whoever scores the highest walks away with all the money) when one of them says to me - "Don't you guys have anything better to do than follow cricket!"

That to me was hitting below the belt. Well, I said to her - I could talk on the phone for two hours every day, and unfortunately I don't wear make-up or I'd go twenty times to the washroom to see if everything is theek-thaak, so no - I'd rather follow cricket!

Sports to most women is a bunch of people doing something stupid, a waste of time as it were. But they'll watch it when it suits them, when it gets entertaining like in the slog overs of the big final where it goes down to the wire, or the finals of the football World Cup when there are 3 minutes left on the clock and Ronaldo makes a dash for goal - that's when they'll be jumping up and down screaming Go! Go! Go!. But it ends there. Get what I'm saying? At other times it's just a bunch of guys kicking a ball around the park. In short - boring! The intricacies of the game and the skill that goes into it is not something they could be bothered with. Which is why they will ask inane questions like: Why do Formula-1 drivers keep going round and round the track? And we have to tell them - They are not just going round and round - it is a test of man and machine. I'd like to see you do 70 laps sitting strapped inside a machine that can reach speeds of upto 300 kmph at G-forces that can rival a fighter jet .... the last thing you'll be worrying about is how your hair looks!

It's the same with machines. Just like football is a bunch of men running across a field kicking a ball around, a machine like a car or a bike is just a bunch of nuts and bolts and misc. other parts that takes you from A to B. That's all they know. And to them that's all they need to know. They will never bother to look under the hood and understand how the damn things works. And if something goes wrong they will call a mechanic, give him the keys and take an auto home. Or they'll just call their husbands or boyfriends. We will never do that. I could never leave my bike or car in the hands of some mechanic or anybody else for that matter and go home. Because for us a car is more than just four wheels and an engine. It's like a person that lives and breathes. And when something goes wrong with it we worry. In short we love our machines. Love - that's what it's all about.

Women will argue that it's the same with us men - we don't understand the things they like. Not true. At least we try. There was a time I didn't know an A-line from a silhouette, a tunic from a top, an underwire from a push-up, but now (and reading HHC for a year has helped) I know. You should have seen the look on JC's face when I picked up three, note that - three - perfectly fitting tops for her from Hill Road that all looked bludy killer. "How the hell did you- " ... and she stopped there. She was speechless. Oh yeah, take me shopping baby - 10 minutes and a few dirty stares from some of the dames who fancied the stuff I'd picked up, and I was outta there. One of them actually thought I'd be a nice guy and give her the blue and white polka-dotted one I was holding. Ha! When you're jostling for space with three or four very determined females who will stop at nothing to get what they want, there is only one thing I can call it - WAR! And that's where all those years spent on the football field comes to use - quick reflexes! Because as soon as that roadside guy opens one of his boxes and pours the goodies out onto his handcart, you gotta attack. There's no time to think, just grab! Like when you're in the penalty area and that beast of a defender will do anything, not excluding crush your balls, to see that you do not score. And they think sports is stupid. Prepares you for life is what it does.

And just in case somebody's thinking of leaving some smart-ass comment - no, I am not buying you your underwear. But I do know some men who subscribe to Victoria's Secret catalogues ... maybe they can help. See, we try.

***

So - that slippery old sea lion Karunanidhi is giving Sonia and the Congress a hard time. I'd like to see her whip out her Uzi from inside that violin case - total mafia style as Rupa put it - and fire a few rounds up his rear end! But hats off to Manmohan for standing his ground and refusing to give those rotters Baalu and Raja the plum portfolios they wanted. He's made one concession already for a rather undignified lady from West Bengal.

***

American Idol. I thought Lambert was the better of the two, I really did. Quite a show though, the final ... so good to see Brian May still looking the same. Same goes for Rod Stewart. Watching him sing Maggie got me thinking - if someone like him was in this competition he wouldn't stand a chance in hell, not with a voice like his. And that's where I think American Idol fails. They're looking for voices that sell, not voices that stand out.

Here's another voice that for me has always stood out. At a time when everybody here is looking for rain, this is Chris Rea - Looking for the summer.

I'm just wondering - how do you keep a straight face telling people what you do when your job title reads something like this. Just wondering.

And I would never have known that such a thing even existed if it wasn't for some chap sitting behind me in the bus who gets a call on his mobile and very loudly goes: "Mujhe Patni se phone aaya tha ... they need a penetration tester!"

Me and the guy in the next seat had to resort to holding our stomachs to stop. It was that hilarious. First thing I did when I got home was to look it up on the Wiki. And there it was - something to do with IT security. Bludy hell, you'd think they'd come up with a better name for it. I had a feeling it was IT related ... what else could Patni be into, but when you hear someone say it the first time it will totally have you rolling on the floor.

Any other such "embarrassing" jobs you guys know of? Do share.

***

What did I tell you about the markets? Crazy huh! Also crazy was the Kolkata Knight Riders win over the Super Kings last night. I bet Shahrukh threatened the lads with dire consequences -- Do or get done! ;)

***

Getting slightly philosophical now, I'd say there are only two ways to live your life -- Succumb, or Run like Hell. Even if it means running against the wind as the song goes.

From the soundtrack to Forrest Gump - Bob Seger. For our boy Eddie Hyde who recently also completed 6 long years of blogging. And though he can't claim to have as many wimmen fans as I do, I think he's pretty cool. Ride on brother!

I'd say one of the most annoying things for a guy is to be in the company of a woman who spends more time talking/texting/whatever-the-bludy-hell-they-do on her mobile phone than she does focused on him. I mean isn't there something called mobile-phone etiquette? No major catastrophe is going to befall whoever is on the other end of the line if you don't talk to them right this minute. But no, they will go on and on and on. Makes my blood boil.

I've had huge arguments with JC over this. To the extent that I've stopped taking her out. Because just as we're settling into a nice conversation some stupid friend or colleague of hers will call and in her words it's "not polite" to cut someone off. Not polite?? What about the person sitting in front of you? How about being polite to them for starters.

It's different with us guys. We don't do that. We're POLITE. If I'm with someone - girl or guy - and a friend/colleague/moron-I-don't-want-to-talk-to calls me I quickly say four things: What's up? Can it wait? If it can I'll call you later. If it can't it better be a matter of life and death. Baat khattam.

But what is it with women and mobile phones? It's like they'll die without them or something. Where I work I reckon anywhere between 10-15% of good productive office time is lost because of useless mobile phone chatter. Doesn't happen abroad I can tell you, though I can only talk about Switzerland because I spent a couple of months there in '07. People there hardly ever talk on their mobile phones at work ... in fact you wouldn't even know they were carrying their phones on them. But here at any given time depending on what kind of job you do (not applicable if you break stones for a living, but these days who knows) you will see a least 4-5 people, women mostly, yapping away like that's what they're being paid to do. It's totally ridiculous, I don't know how companies stand for it! Why don't they just ban mobile phones at work? Hell, we might even see the recession ending sooner. Think about it.

***

Sonia Gandhi sounded like such a mafiosi in her brief statement to the press yesterday where she said: "The people of this country know what is good for them". Nothing wrong with that statement per se, just the way she said it made me laugh.

But to those who feel that all we've done is help propagate the Congress's so called dynasty politics, I will say this: Look at the larger picture. I am not a fan of dynasty politics myself, but in a country like ours where power hungry cut-throats will do anything to get ahead, having people like the Gandhis around actually helps to keep things in check, whether you want to admit it or not. And so far it hasn't come in the way of a good man like Manmohan Singh. At least not that we can tell.

***

Will there be a 1,000 point rally on the markets tomorrow? I don't think so. But with the markets, as in politics, one never knows.

And why hasn't Advaniji been a man and conceded defeat publicly yet? Or does he think it's all a bad dream and he'll wake up tomorrow morning to find that the NDA has won it? You never know with someone who just 5 years ago proclaimed India was Shining.

Bob Marley - Stir it up. Funny thing about this song - for years we thought it was Stereo :)

Hahaha!!! Will you look at the news ... Rajdeep Sardesai is hyperventilating. And I bet Rupa is jumping for joy! Go Manmohan!!

As for the Mayawatis, Advanis, Karats and all them other rotten sonsofbitches who threatened to take our country right down the toilet, we the people have spoken -- FUCK OFF!

Fake IPL Player. Is not a player. That much I can bet my ass on. Probably some journalist/mediaperson with access to snippets of information coming out of the team. The rest he makes up.

And seeing how he's gone to such lengths to camouflage people's names (he's left it to us to figure out who's who, which I must say proved quite impossible in many cases) I can tell you he's scared shitless of getting in trouble, or perhaps losing his job. Why else would you call SRK 'dildo'? That's being too nice!

***

Sticking with the IPL, or the telecasts rather, I am bludy SICK of seeing those Airtel ads with Vidya Balan and that pilot bugger from Rang de Basanti. I mean Vidya is sweet and all, but dude have mercy! We know you can give us all kinds of shit at the click of a button (though personally I'd be happy just with better network coverage) but do you have to torture us with that same goddamn ad every 10 minutes? I'm referring to the horoscope one. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, wants their horrorscopes sms'ed to them on their mobile phones. Not unless you're a total damn loser.

And Vodafone haven't done any better with their so-called zoozoos either. Despite what everyone says I don't like them. For two reasons: First- they lack colour like a bunch of lab mice; and second- those horrible squeaking noises they make from their mouths or bums or wherever. After a while you just want to kill them depending on how irritated you are. Frankly I wouldn't mind clobbering a few of them zoozoos to death.

But the Kolkata Knight Riders - What has brought about such a bad run of form? It's as if someones gone and pulled out a few wires here and there. Like in that episode of Knight Rider where somebody sabotages Kitt (which is the talking computer inside the car) and Michael is left to fend for himself, and boy does he have a hard time. Michael Knight is another character I would have liked to have seen get killed more than once. Because it's really annoying when the good guy wins all the time, isn't it? Once in a while you want to see him get crushed under a truck or something.

And so I don't feel too bad about the Knight Riders losing the way they have been. It's the name and nothing else. If they were called the Kolkatta Kittens then maybe I'd have felt bad. Or maybe not ... I hate cats.

But the kid yesterday was telling me how emotional the public in Cal get about their sports(men). It's bad enough our Goan clubs been kicking their asses black n' blue - or should I say red - in football, but now bottom of the IPL! That must be just too much to take. Seems the watering holes down on Park Street even give out free beer whenever a local team wins ... ain't that somethin! And so I wonder what kind of reception Shahrukh will get ... if he ever dares to step foot there. I wouldn't mind seeing the bugger get slippered to be honest.

Must be a huge embarrassment though for the King of Bollywood don't you think, his team doing so badly. After all he's used to being on top. And I'm not talking about when he's doing the nasty with the Queen.

****

Ally called to find out what progress, if any, I've made on the matrimonial front. He says I better not waste time because now is when all the NRI's are on the prowl, so that they can get married in December. Which is a fact. We Macs prefer having our weddings in December so that we can club the Christmas vacations, wedding and honeymoon all in one. Get everything done with soon as you can. And I've seen that the chaps who come down from the States are usually the ones in the biggest hurry to get back .... probably because they gotta return those suits they bought from Macy's.

All that talk of ABBA on Parul's and I need to play me some. Thanks for all the blogversary wishes. You guys are awesome!

Sometimes I feel like we Indians are a billion orphans and our politicians the foster parents we cannot choose. We must live with who we get and hope they don't make our lives worse than it already is .

***

Just back from a night out on the town. Not everyday you meet a girl who can stand her poison, and I'm not talking them vodka drinking sissies. This girl was something else, so cute you'd want to take her home to your momma. Well, not quite - cuz in the one hour she was sitting next to me at the bar she finished a whole pack of Wills Navy Cut and downed god knows how many beers. But you gotta hand it to her - at the end of it all she was still standing. We talked about Goa and some other stuff I don't quite remember now, and for a girl who works with an airline I must say she was pretty smart. They're not all bimbos you know them airline types.

***

Blues over Troubled Waters is 6 today. Thanks for reading, for all the emails, the comments, the messages, and most of all - thanks for all the love.

Leave you with a bit of the blues - the great John Lee Hooker with Bonnie Raitt ... Rock these blues away.

Like a weary traveller with a bag full of burdens I stepped into St. Michael's this morning, and almost immediately a tremendous calm engulfed me; the voices of those 5 little girls in the choir like a soothing balm. I wanted to go up to them after mass, give them some money and say- Here, treat yourselves to some ice-cream or something, you girls were just divine! I did a lot of choirs in my time and it always seemed like such a headache, the practices and all, but now I know what it can do for that guy sitting quietly in the last pew with so much on his mind.

***

At the gymkhana last evening I saw the most beautiful couple dancing (later learnt they were both professional dance instructors). Every move so graceful, so effortless, so well synchronized. Musicians (more out of jealousy than anything else) jokingly say 'those who can't do, dance' but hell, I'll give anything to dance like that. Later CS and I hung out at Club IX, which is where people (poor Macs like us) who can't afford Poison and Zenji go to. I'd rather have gone to Janata and then to Toto's or Hawaiian (which is something even the rich farts do) but it was too late. We talked about how cool it would be start a club of our own, CS with his Abhishek Bachchan looks (actually he's a lot groovier than that arse AB) would draw in all the dames, and I'd handle the muzak. Because it really beats me how people can shake to some moron singing some shit about how he wants to fly so high ... over the rainbow. Or something like that.

Matchmaker aunty says there are 30 girls for every eligible guy. I laughed. And laughed. Unbelievable! But these girls of today are so fussy you know, says adds. Ally says they're not only fussy, they're mad! ... Dude did I tell you about that dame in the next building who named her dog Francis! LMAO

It was Ally's idea to take me to matchmaker aunty, btw. Do you mind a girl who earns more than you, asks she. Mind?? Hell no! What could be nicer than taking care of the home, learning to cook, listening to music full-volume on my Nakamichi while the missus toils all day in that corporate slavehouse she calls the office. I'll give her a foot massage every evening ... oh I bet she'll love that! No, seriously- why are men ashamed/insecure about their wives earning more than them? I think it's wonderful. And if I do turn out to be a great cook (which I bludy will) we could perhaps open a little restaurant or a club once she's got enough saved up. Hell, what a brilliant idea! I better tell matchmaker aunty to find me a girl who earns double what I earn. Even if it means having to bullshit about my salary.

***

Watched American Idol for the first time this season. Adam Lambert - I think he's smug, don't you? But he's good, I'll give him that. Not great, but good. How can you say that SwB - he's Adam Lambert! Well, you may think he's bludy Elvis Presley for all I care, I still won't say he's great. Cuz it takes a lot more than that to be great.

From their 1970 album Pendulum, Johnny "who'll stop the rain" Fogerty & CCR ... Pagan Baby. Do this Adam, I dare you!

You know that new Tata Sky ad where a pissed-off Sardarji Aamir drives off with the set-top-box while the puttar is away and gives it to some guy he sees on the road - the original was slightly different: he flings the bludy thing out the car window right there in the middle of nowhere and goes home. I know because I saw the original on our man CS's computer. Any guesses why they changed it? I was quite amused when he told me.

Speaking of originals, he's got some kick-ass pics of Asin, one in which she's wearing a nice stringy bikini looking all super-sexy, which now no one will ever get to see because they felt it was too risky for uber-conservative South India. Anybody wants? ;)

***

IPL South Africa. Kinda like flat beer if you ask me. The fizz is just not there, wot say? And when people like Mandi(no b)ra Bedi say things like- Ooh the atmosphere here is just electric, it's unbelievable ... wow the crowd support is a-mazing!!! you don't really believe that shit, do you?

Cricket lately has gotten kinda boring to be honest ... maybe we've had too much. I hear the Pakis have been removed from co-hosting the forthcoming World Cup. And rightly so. You can't play cricket wondering if that ball coming at you at high speeds is a modified grenade! Whole damn country's gone down the toilet if you ask me. Barack should just send the boys in there and teach them rotters to behave.

But our country's no better I tell you. Talking to some of the guys at work the other day an interesting fact that came to light is that nobody (and these are what you can call educated voters) knows with any clarity what individual party policies on various issues are. Seriously, why aren't there televised debates like you have in America, so we know who is going to screw us where and how. People in the audience can be asked to leave their footwear outside, if that's what has the netas worried.

Take us Macs (Goans, Mangys and those villains we call East-Indians) for instance. We always vote Congress. Period. Nobody really knows what the Congress will do for the economy or anything else, but we do know they won't mind our girls wearing short skirts on Sundays. And who the hell bothers to read party manifestos anyway? Ask Aunty Hilda what a manifesto is and I bet she'll say it's some kind of ladies shoe you get down on Hill Road. Fact is it's simply unthinkable to vote for anybody else, nothing less than a sin I'd say. And God help you if you did and told somebody. Hell, they might even send you to Confession- Forgive me Father for I have sinned ... I voted MNS. Dammit son, now we'll send you to Orissa next time they go on the rampage! And you can tell your sister Rosy she'll have to stop canoodling with that boy Charles down at Carter Road!

But this whole voting business has been made - what's the word ... kinda cool - by the media, don't you think? Yeah, it's cool to vote. Or so a bunch of Khan and Kapoor idiots from Bollywood tell us. Arre we will vote dude, but do you buggers ever vote?? Deepika will probably get a whole session of facial skin treatments and a new pair of Dolce & Gabbana shades before stepping out in the sun to stand in those queues. They do have to stand in queues like the rest of us, don't they?

Frankly I'll vote for any party that slashes taxes on liquor and encourages all our wimmen to go Mandira! And that's only because there seems to be no talk of serious issues these elections, it's just the mud-slinging happening.

Tommy "free fallin" Petty & the Heartbreakers on a very scorching Sunday. Nice week ... and for what it's worth, Go Vote!

seek
and you shall find

seek too hard
and you shall tire

seek too long
and you shall bend

for who can tell
if where you stand
is where the ocean begins
or where it ends