There was a stud called Shiney
who quite fancied his housemaids hiney
When the moment was right he grabbed her tight
and gave her more than just a fright

But somehow I feel there's more to it than has come to light. Though he's confessed (you'd be singing like a canary too if faced with the prospect of Sub Inspector Gandmare aka "The Can Opener" shoving his lathi, the one made of wood, up your arse) the pieces don't quite fit. Why would a guy force himself on some maid (and they're all big bludy crooks let me tell you) when there are plenty wimmen out there who wouldn't mind forcing themselves on him! It may take a while but I suspect the truth will come out, as his stalwart wife kept saying repeatedly on IBN last night.

***

We're sorry, but we're down on form, says MS Dhoni
all these matches one after another ain't funny
Please understand - we do it all for you, dear fan
and in a small part for the munny

Too much cricket, you say? That's what we thought as well Moolah Singh! Don't the players have any say at all? Otherwise just ask for a rest like Sachin wisely has. But don't go out there and play like shit and expect us to feel sorry for you. Because we don't.

***

Go not to the US of A
if healthy, a little less wealthy, and fine is how you wanna stay
For though that may be the land of milk and honey
if you catch the flu things won't be sunny

A travel advisory was issued this week by the Govt of India (which is a first I think) for countries severely affected by the swine flu, in particular the United States. What I'd be very interested to know is how many Indians actually cancel their travel plans to the US in light of this advisory. We are quite fearless like that.

And what about those Indians coming from the States on holiday and such? Why not urge them to stay put? They're the ones who started this in the first place.

***

Too many cooks who hadn't read their books
is what screwed things up on 26/11
But what use is knowing the facts
if nobody gets off their ass and acts

As far as we can tell it's case closed. We'll just have to see when the next terror attack comes, God forbid, if our people in power are better prepared. I seriously doubt it.

***

Bonnie Tyler. For those of you who like me were born in the 70's (or thereabouts), grew up in the 80's, and miss those rocking years - It's a heartache. Don't you just love that voice!

Caption this :)

***

From his Greatest Hits album Actual Miles here's Don Henley with a Leonard Cohen original - Everybody Knows. Love the lyrics on this one. Nice weekend.

Do you mind being seen alone with a married woman?

It's more the other way around. I should be asking you.

I don't care what anybody thinks or says. There is no love, you know. Never was. I grew up in a place called Bhilai, guess you've heard of it ... famous for its steel plant. A girl there doesn't have too many choices. They married me off to a man I knew nothing about and had nothing in common with. I was only 24, wanted to do so much more, go places, but they wouldn't let me.

That's a common story I guess for girls from those parts.

Yes and people expect us to be all goody two-shoes like we're from another planet or something. You probably were surprised to see me drinking at the party.

No, not really.

I enjoy a drink sometimes, just like you guys do. I wish I could keep a few beers in the fridge at home, relax, put my feet up, watch a movie on weekends, but he would freak. I have to be the good wife at all times.

Would you ever consider having an affair?

Gosh, are you always this direct with people? I don't know. He's not to blame for who he is. It's just the way he's been brought up. It's the only way he knows. It's not that I want to cheat on him, I just wish... I just wish he'd lighten up a little. I earn as much as he does, I wish he wouldn't treat me like part of the furniture. I wish we'd have a life.

The way I see it you can either love the life you're living or live the life you love. It's that simple.

Nothing is that simple. Making one or the other choice requires taking some very difficult decisions. Decisions that involve others, not just yourself.

So basically you're a girl who wants to keep the life she's got because she's too scared or couldn't be bothered to do anything about it, but who would like to have a little fun on the side every now and then, is that what you're saying?

Fun? I hate it when you guys use that word with reference to us, like we're all a bunch of tramps or something. I just want a friend, someone I can talk to .... someone who's sweet and kind like you, with no hang-ups.

Sweet and kind?? I can be quite a brute let me assure you.

Ya I've seen that. You behave like such a goonda around those bachchas in your team.

Ha! You have to. Give them an inch and they'll take a mile. You gotta show them who's boss from Day 1. But you know, there's something I gotta tell you.

You think I'm hot. Everyone in office knows that.

No, not that. What I wanted to say was every time I see you there's this song that plays in my head. By the Eagles it's called Lying Eyes.

They give me away, huh?

Completely.

Can we talk about something else, please. Friend talk.

That's how it starts you know - friends.

It's important to know where to draw the line.

Lines are usually drawn in chalk.

You have an answer for everything! What do people like us do then? What do people like us do? We know somethings got to change, and we want it so bad, but-

There used to be this little ad that would appear almost every day in the GDN which read: Sad, suicidal, lost? Call the Befrienders. When you're a kid you wonder who would actually call. To you it would seem odd that anybody could be so sad, so suicidal, or so lost to want to pick up the phone and talk to some stranger for comfort.

Funny how things change with time. Because when you're sad, suicidal or lost, nobody is a stranger.

Why are the Aussies, the Queensland University of Technology to be precise, so keen to confer the BIG-B with that honorary doctorate of theirs, I don't understand. I mean just look at this - it's ridiculous! Which self-respecting Aussie would do that? Not me! Why don't they just cut the niceties and say what they would have said had the situation been slightly different -- You know what mate, you don't want our doctorate, PISS OFF!

And we are calling the Aussies racist - we, who are the most racist people on earth! It really is a joke. Because there is no one more racist than us Indians. We are divided on everything there is to be divided on ... and if there isn't you can bet your ass we'll find something.

***

Sad to hear about that Air France plane that crashed in the middle of the Atlantic. Not a single Indian on board, which is strange. But if there was, what do you think would be the first thing most people back home would want to know? Yes of course - where was he from, and more importantly - what was he! Oh, Gujarati? Never mind, one less!.

Fleetwood Mac - Tusk. Don't ask me why it's called that.

The way I see it there are two possibilities -- Either I have attained a higher state of being or I have gone completely mad.

Not knowing which of the two applies to me is what's really a bummer.

***

I was at the barbers getting a shave at the hands of the very adept and handsome Shahid Kapoor (I call him that because he resembles the actor) thinking about this friend of mine who recently got engaged when something of a Khalil Gibranish thought popped into my head which I'm going to share with you. Don't laugh.

On Marriage-

When a man sweltering under the desert sun finds a shade he does not look to see what kind of tree it is. We marry more for the shade than for the tree.

:)

***

Can't believe we're nearly half way through 2009. Scary how time flies. We're getting older faster than we know.

Neil Young.

Why was Vijay Mallya looking like he'd bet his entire liquor empire and Katrina Kaif to go with it?

But well done Adam Gilchrist and the Deccan Chargers.

***

OK - So maybe I was a little off the mark in that previous post about you wimmen. Or maybe I'm just been mixing with the wrong kind as Karuna says, but then you can't choose the dumb-asses you work with, can you?

Which is something the kid and I talk about all the time - there is not one dame in the office you can have a decent conversation with. Somebody is surely screwing up somewhere.

***

Agent Green Glass. Anyone heard of her? I won't start with the adjectives, I'll just say this - I've waited a long time to read a blog like this! Stumbled upon it yesterday afternoon while on a visit to Clem at Bandra Buggers and it ended up ruining my siesta. But it was worth every wink of sleep lost. She says she likes the Blues, well I'll tell you what babe - I love you!! Rock on.

***

Talking of Bandra buggers, our man Al totally cracked me up yesterday (we normally talk on Sundays). Says to me- Dude you know what's this Tweeter shit?

I think you mean Twitter, I said.

Haan that only.

It's something like instant messaging. I'm not sure how it works exactly but I hear it's quite popular. Why, what happened?

No I was just wondering. Because when Pudding said she wants me to check her tweets I thought she was referring to some part of her body!

***

Big delegation of goras visiting the office today. I hate having to kowtow to the buggers. Actually I don't, everyone else does. Just coz someone's skin is a few shades lighter doesn't mean you have to drop everything and hanker after them. That's something we Indians just can't seem to shake off.

And all that wining and dining in 5 star hotels is another pain. They want to eat kebab ... and there they'll believe anything you tell them. Oh this is not spicy, you'll love it. Okay, I try it then. Ha! Just think - we could send them to hell if we wanted to. One plate of guaranteed-to-make-you-shit kebab will do the job quite nicely.

Carly Simon on a warm Monday morning. From way back 1972 - You're so Vain. Nice week.

It's quite interesting the way women look at the two things we men are most passionate about - sports and machines.

Lets talk about sports first. We were trying get some of the girls in the office to participate in this IPL fantasy game we've been playing (where you contribute 10 bucks every day and whoever scores the highest walks away with all the money) when one of them says to me - "Don't you guys have anything better to do than follow cricket!"

That to me was hitting below the belt. Well, I said to her - I could talk on the phone for two hours every day, and unfortunately I don't wear make-up or I'd go twenty times to the washroom to see if everything is theek-thaak, so no - I'd rather follow cricket!

Sports to most women is a bunch of people doing something stupid, a waste of time as it were. But they'll watch it when it suits them, when it gets entertaining like in the slog overs of the big final where it goes down to the wire, or the finals of the football World Cup when there are 3 minutes left on the clock and Ronaldo makes a dash for goal - that's when they'll be jumping up and down screaming Go! Go! Go!. But it ends there. Get what I'm saying? At other times it's just a bunch of guys kicking a ball around the park. In short - boring! The intricacies of the game and the skill that goes into it is not something they could be bothered with. Which is why they will ask inane questions like: Why do Formula-1 drivers keep going round and round the track? And we have to tell them - They are not just going round and round - it is a test of man and machine. I'd like to see you do 70 laps sitting strapped inside a machine that can reach speeds of upto 300 kmph at G-forces that can rival a fighter jet .... the last thing you'll be worrying about is how your hair looks!

It's the same with machines. Just like football is a bunch of men running across a field kicking a ball around, a machine like a car or a bike is just a bunch of nuts and bolts and misc. other parts that takes you from A to B. That's all they know. And to them that's all they need to know. They will never bother to look under the hood and understand how the damn things works. And if something goes wrong they will call a mechanic, give him the keys and take an auto home. Or they'll just call their husbands or boyfriends. We will never do that. I could never leave my bike or car in the hands of some mechanic or anybody else for that matter and go home. Because for us a car is more than just four wheels and an engine. It's like a person that lives and breathes. And when something goes wrong with it we worry. In short we love our machines. Love - that's what it's all about.

Women will argue that it's the same with us men - we don't understand the things they like. Not true. At least we try. There was a time I didn't know an A-line from a silhouette, a tunic from a top, an underwire from a push-up, but now (and reading HHC for a year has helped) I know. You should have seen the look on JC's face when I picked up three, note that - three - perfectly fitting tops for her from Hill Road that all looked bludy killer. "How the hell did you- " ... and she stopped there. She was speechless. Oh yeah, take me shopping baby - 10 minutes and a few dirty stares from some of the dames who fancied the stuff I'd picked up, and I was outta there. One of them actually thought I'd be a nice guy and give her the blue and white polka-dotted one I was holding. Ha! When you're jostling for space with three or four very determined females who will stop at nothing to get what they want, there is only one thing I can call it - WAR! And that's where all those years spent on the football field comes to use - quick reflexes! Because as soon as that roadside guy opens one of his boxes and pours the goodies out onto his handcart, you gotta attack. There's no time to think, just grab! Like when you're in the penalty area and that beast of a defender will do anything, not excluding crush your balls, to see that you do not score. And they think sports is stupid. Prepares you for life is what it does.

And just in case somebody's thinking of leaving some smart-ass comment - no, I am not buying you your underwear. But I do know some men who subscribe to Victoria's Secret catalogues ... maybe they can help. See, we try.

***

So - that slippery old sea lion Karunanidhi is giving Sonia and the Congress a hard time. I'd like to see her whip out her Uzi from inside that violin case - total mafia style as Rupa put it - and fire a few rounds up his rear end! But hats off to Manmohan for standing his ground and refusing to give those rotters Baalu and Raja the plum portfolios they wanted. He's made one concession already for a rather undignified lady from West Bengal.

***

American Idol. I thought Lambert was the better of the two, I really did. Quite a show though, the final ... so good to see Brian May still looking the same. Same goes for Rod Stewart. Watching him sing Maggie got me thinking - if someone like him was in this competition he wouldn't stand a chance in hell, not with a voice like his. And that's where I think American Idol fails. They're looking for voices that sell, not voices that stand out.

Here's another voice that for me has always stood out. At a time when everybody here is looking for rain, this is Chris Rea - Looking for the summer.

I'm just wondering - how do you keep a straight face telling people what you do when your job title reads something like this. Just wondering.

And I would never have known that such a thing even existed if it wasn't for some chap sitting behind me in the bus who gets a call on his mobile and very loudly goes: "Mujhe Patni se phone aaya tha ... they need a penetration tester!"

Me and the guy in the next seat had to resort to holding our stomachs to stop. It was that hilarious. First thing I did when I got home was to look it up on the Wiki. And there it was - something to do with IT security. Bludy hell, you'd think they'd come up with a better name for it. I had a feeling it was IT related ... what else could Patni be into, but when you hear someone say it the first time it will totally have you rolling on the floor.

Any other such "embarrassing" jobs you guys know of? Do share.

***

What did I tell you about the markets? Crazy huh! Also crazy was the Kolkata Knight Riders win over the Super Kings last night. I bet Shahrukh threatened the lads with dire consequences -- Do or get done! ;)

***

Getting slightly philosophical now, I'd say there are only two ways to live your life -- Succumb, or Run like Hell. Even if it means running against the wind as the song goes.

From the soundtrack to Forrest Gump - Bob Seger. For our boy Eddie Hyde who recently also completed 6 long years of blogging. And though he can't claim to have as many wimmen fans as I do, I think he's pretty cool. Ride on brother!

I'd say one of the most annoying things for a guy is to be in the company of a woman who spends more time talking/texting/whatever-the-bludy-hell-they-do on her mobile phone than she does focused on him. I mean isn't there something called mobile-phone etiquette? No major catastrophe is going to befall whoever is on the other end of the line if you don't talk to them right this minute. But no, they will go on and on and on. Makes my blood boil.

I've had huge arguments with JC over this. To the extent that I've stopped taking her out. Because just as we're settling into a nice conversation some stupid friend or colleague of hers will call and in her words it's "not polite" to cut someone off. Not polite?? What about the person sitting in front of you? How about being polite to them for starters.

It's different with us guys. We don't do that. We're POLITE. If I'm with someone - girl or guy - and a friend/colleague/moron-I-don't-want-to-talk-to calls me I quickly say four things: What's up? Can it wait? If it can I'll call you later. If it can't it better be a matter of life and death. Baat khattam.

But what is it with women and mobile phones? It's like they'll die without them or something. Where I work I reckon anywhere between 10-15% of good productive office time is lost because of useless mobile phone chatter. Doesn't happen abroad I can tell you, though I can only talk about Switzerland because I spent a couple of months there in '07. People there hardly ever talk on their mobile phones at work ... in fact you wouldn't even know they were carrying their phones on them. But here at any given time depending on what kind of job you do (not applicable if you break stones for a living, but these days who knows) you will see a least 4-5 people, women mostly, yapping away like that's what they're being paid to do. It's totally ridiculous, I don't know how companies stand for it! Why don't they just ban mobile phones at work? Hell, we might even see the recession ending sooner. Think about it.

***

Sonia Gandhi sounded like such a mafiosi in her brief statement to the press yesterday where she said: "The people of this country know what is good for them". Nothing wrong with that statement per se, just the way she said it made me laugh.

But to those who feel that all we've done is help propagate the Congress's so called dynasty politics, I will say this: Look at the larger picture. I am not a fan of dynasty politics myself, but in a country like ours where power hungry cut-throats will do anything to get ahead, having people like the Gandhis around actually helps to keep things in check, whether you want to admit it or not. And so far it hasn't come in the way of a good man like Manmohan Singh. At least not that we can tell.

***

Will there be a 1,000 point rally on the markets tomorrow? I don't think so. But with the markets, as in politics, one never knows.

And why hasn't Advaniji been a man and conceded defeat publicly yet? Or does he think it's all a bad dream and he'll wake up tomorrow morning to find that the NDA has won it? You never know with someone who just 5 years ago proclaimed India was Shining.

Bob Marley - Stir it up. Funny thing about this song - for years we thought it was Stereo :)