Guy in the office has a perspiration problem. Nothing he's tried seems to have had any effect. Result is huge - and I mean HUGE, like he bludy pisses from his armpits - sweat patches. So we gave him a solution: Sanitary pads. Right there under the arms. Held in place with rubberbands. For some reason he got extremely annoyed.

***

AXE Dark Temptation. One they claim is as irresistible (to the wimmen presumably) as chocolate. We've all seen the ad on TV. Tried it yesterday and I safely can say that the only 'effect' this one's gonna have is to drive the flies away. Aforementioned guy bought himself one yesterday (if he can't control the perspiration, at least he tries not to stink) and I did a little test spray on my wrist, and God it's awful! Ain't no dame on the bus gonna be wanting to bite into your backside if you got that on.

***

Bigg Boss 2. How they managed to get such an obnoxious bunch of people together (Monica Bedi being perhaps the only exception) is something that beats me. Like last season they had our dame Carol and Anupama and others you wouldn't mind watching for a bit. But these folk this time are like characters straight out of a no-budget desi horror flick. One look at them and you want to go for the remote.

***

The Bongs must surely be a worried lot. No, not because Ratan has threatened to pull out. That they will handle - Momta will be given a few roshogollas and told to shut up. It's something much more serious. Read about it today in the latest Outlook. Apparently the Hilsa (or their beloved Ilish) which is to them what donkey penis is to the Chinese, is on the brink of extinction in the once bountiful rivers of Bengal. Whch is what happens when you have no variety in your cuisine, for whatever reason. And now in true socialist style there's talk of rationing -- One Ilish per family per month, not exceeding 800 grams in weight. Anything more than 800 grams will be confiscated by the Politburo and served to prospective foreign and domestic investors at State hosted banquets.

So the next time you visit a Bong household better not ask for Ilish, for your request will be met with much displeasure. They might even just ask you to leave.

***

Thought we'd catch some live music today, but now it doesn't look like that's gonna happen. Thankfully for us there is still not a ban on live music in pubs and other such places where liquor is served. Unlike in Bangalore. There it seems, and I don't know how far it's true, they have even banned dancing. Apparently there was a fear in some quarters that the women on the dance floors could be mistaken for prostitutes.

Collective Soul. The World I know. Happy weekend.

If I were an Olympic swimmer right now I'd be cursing my bludy luck. And he's not done. Now he's talking 2012! All the others out there better think of moving into something else. I'd say 4 years is enough time to make the transition to water-polo.

My buddy Ally is equally pissed off by this phenomenon called Michael Phelps. Talking to him today after what seems like ages, he had this to say:

Dude I'm telling you they should have given the bugger a platinum medal first only and sent him home.

LOL It was 8 golds that he was after, not one platinum.

But what about the Olympic spirit dude. Hogging all the bleddy medals is fair or what?

It's not about what's fair man, it's about who wins.

I'm just waiting for some bugger to come and kick his ass. Best would be if he gets beaten in every event by a different bugger. Then he'll learn his lesson.

Yeah well, that won't happen anytime soon.

We don't mind if he wins the gold again and again in one event, like your pole vault chick Isinbayeva ... man, what a body she has! But this is bullshit dude. This should not be allowed. I feel one athlete should not be allowed to compete in more than two events.

Hmmm, now that they could do. Yeah, that's actually not a bad idea - a cap on how many events you can compete in.

Then what ... bleddy bullshit! People also are getting bored watching the same bugger winning again and again and grinning like a vampire!

***

So what do you say - a cap on the number of events per individual? You gotta feel for the others. Four years is a long time to slog it out for Olympic glory only to get wiped away by a tsumani called Phelps.

And speaking of Yelena, wasn't she just awesome! My Russian sweetheart. Another world record, another gold medal. And she does have a helluva bod, doesn't she? Check out those abs ... I always dreamed of having abs like those.

Back to work tomorrow. Four days at home has left me seriously bored. Went out to town for a bit, popped in at Landmark with the specific intention of flipping through our girl eM's book but would you believe it, they don't have it yet.

ABBA. The winner takes it all. Good week.

Mahesh Lunch Home was a disappointment. Yes, we could not afford to eat the lobster. No, not the tiger prawns either. All we ate was squid for starters, humble fish-curry rice and clams. No dessert, thank you. But if they couldn't get that right, I don't see myself paying big money for anything else they got on the menu. Start with the squid. I want to meet the cook - dude you do not know the first f'ing thing about how to cook squid. Learn from my Aunty Leena, since my mother ain't that good at it herself. It's all in the marination. Leave it there couple hours and then slow cook it. Don't just get it out of the fridge, toss it into a batter, deep fry and serve. I might as well eat French fries. Fish curry - here again, you gotta use fresh coconut, not the canned variety which makes the curry look like a new shade of Asian Paints. My mother can make better fish curry in her sleep. Two miserable slices of surmai in curry that had no damn taste.

You see that's the difference between the Mangaloreans and the Goans. The Mangaloreans being the clever buggers they are can take a humble eatery and turn it into a household name through some slick marketing. And the last people they are catering to are the Mangaloreans themselves. So you will find folk from other communities (who don't/can't cook fish at home) coming away licking their lips and spreading the word to all and sundry. Before you know it Mahesh is THE place to go for seafood.

With the Goans on the other hand, a humble eatery will remain a humble eatery for generations. Case in point is the City Kitchen at Ballard Estate. Speaking from the last time I went there, which was years ago, you will find so many flies in the vicinity of your table that you just want to gobble up your food (which they say is still quite good) and make a dash for it before one of them decides to end it's life in your curry. They just don't care - the owners, not the flies. To hell with the whole dining experience. I'm sure the decor (actually there isn't any) hasn't changed since the day it opened and the waiters could do with a crash course or two. But most importantly, it never seemed to have occurred to them that there were a whole bunch of people besides the Goans (rich wealthy types there for the taking) who'd fancy a bit of fish-curry and other seafood now and then and are willing to pay good money for it, provided it is served in clean comfortable surroundings. And that is where the Mangies cast their nets - literally. End result is places like Mahesh.

The clams were ok. I reckon they were priced so cheap cuz most people either don't know what they are or don't now how to eat them. In Konkani we call them tisrio - the poor man's seafood. And as far as I know there's only one way to eat them. With your tongue. Yeah you gotta hold that shell up straight with two fingers near the entrance to your mouth and scoop out the flesh with your tongue, going from the bottom up (obviously!). For some reason the dame at the next table was looking at me kinda weird when I was demonstrating this technique to my friend. Maybe it reminded her of something else, I don't know.

Show-offs sitting some tables away asked to see the days catch. So out came the tiger prawns on a platter, and lobsters that looked like they'd been dead for days, and a big fat pomfret that looked like it had another pomfret in it's belly. All in all a waste of money. I'll give it one star out of five. Punju dames sitting right behind us were bludy hot!

***

Old lady Madonna turns 50 today. And being not that young myself I remember what a phenomenon she was mid-late 80's. She and Wacko Jacko ruled the roost then. Which again had more to do with slick marketing than anything else. Today's also the day the King left us ... if he did actually leave us.

So which is your fav Elvis number? Always on my mind is the one I like the most, sung here by the great Willie Nelson. For Sonz ... hope you're doin' ok. Sorry I haven't emailed or called.

Hahahahahahaha ... Look what I just found. Isn't Blogsville wonderful!

And boy is she pissed off. To me it's a mystery as confounding as who killed Aarushi - why would anyone, unless they were stark-ravin bludy mad, pay 160 United States Dollars to see the Bachchans on stage. I wouldn't go to see Amitabh Bachchan if I knew he was making an appearance at the Ganesh mandal down the road.

As for Little Turd and Chicken Lollipop, well - they'll do whatever Big B(ollocks) tells them to do.

So Nethra's the winner on KKK. Wasn't a lot of fun watching Rajiv Hari Om Bhatia (aka Khiladi Kumar, who in some episodes looked like a coolie at Bombay Central) making them delicate darlings do all those dangerous, not to mention icky, things. What if they got hurt, or worse - chipped their nails! But I love Nethra, because she's lovely but ain't fair. Just like I love Sheetal and Nandita. Dusky women are so damn gorgeous.

Speaking of dusky, new dame at work - oh my Lord Jesus! You know there are some women you just want to sleep with. No seriously. And she be one of them. Dumb as a doornail, bet she never heard of Robin Ferrari or Paolo Coelho, but who friggin' cares ... the whole damn universe conspires to get into her knickers!

In case you're wondering, no I didn't get me any new clothes. Looked around a bit and got bored. Then went house hunting with an ex-colleague. Which was eventful in itself. You know how they have these flats with balconies (or sit-outs as they're called) that share a common half-wall with the sit-out of the next flat ... well the flat was nice and all, but the owner was quoting too much. When asked to show us the balcony he hesitated a bit saying it wasn't clean, but we insisted on seeing it anyway. Hardly had we stepped outside when this huge beast from the neighbouring flat that sounded like a cross between one of them hounds of Baskerville and Godzilla almost leaped over the wall at us. Bludy hell, I'm not staying here, said my friend. Goddamn beast may eat my kid alive! At which point the owner says in Hindi- Nahin nahin, woh jyada aawaz nahin karta ... woh abhi shayad thoda bookha hai! LOL No wonder no one's ever stayed there more than six months.

But imagine if you bought a place, took a loan that bled you dry, only to be living next to Godzilla. I know what I'd do, but let's not upset the animal lovers.

***

Just caught Ranbir and Deepika on Dus ka Dum with Dressed Chicken. Deepika to me looks kinda out of place playing the filmi girlfriend. Badminton would have been more her thing. Wonder why Ranbir was calling Dressed Chicken Sir?

Anyway, it seems 43% of Indian women go for money rather than good looks (...then they wonder why men only think about sex). And, which is a coincidence that had me laughing, 80 odd % believe in Coelho's universe conspiracy thing. What a nation of saps!

James Hetfield and Metallica. The Unforgiven. Luvvit!

It's something we've known all along, but now here's a blog to prove it-- Bandra buggers bleddy rock!

***

It's raining again. Bugger! 70% off is what's happening in many places downtown. Now that even I can't resist. So what if I have to push and shove between women who look like they're overdosed on Ecstasy.

***

Oh and now the sun's out once more. Who was it who said that when you want something bad enough the whole damn universe conspires to help you get it. Was it Robin Ferrari or that Paulo dude? Anyway whoever it was, looks like the whole damn universe wants me to have some new clothes.

The gang's in Goa, but I couldn't go. Or rather I didn't go. Because the thought of getting squashed in the back of a Tavera wasn't particularly appealing. So here I am, long four-day weekend with nothing much to do. M sent me this sexy ramblers backpack from Zuerich, and well, I'ma gonna do some ramblin.

***

Funny thing today - I don't hear any of them patriotic songs blaring from the loudspeakers on the street outside, which is usually what you hear on 26.01 and 15.08. Wonder what happened? Maybe everyone's gone shopping. 15.08 will come every year, but 70% off may not happen anytime soon.

Rod the Stewart ... Maggie!

Finally the sun! After two damn days of rain. Firangs in office can't believe how the city's roads have gone from Silk Smitha to Om Puri in 48 hours flat.

... And finally Gold for India. Look at all cash gifts pouring in. But here's somebody who deserves every damn paise he gets.

That girl Nehwal is such a fighter. Praying she wins a medal too.

Randy Travis. What is it about these country singers, they all sound the same ... but they all sound so good. Like smooth whisky!

For the country-muzak lovin' girl ... Look heart, no hands. Haha!

A 12x12 is what I call it. 12 days 12 hours straight without a Saturday or a Sunday. My body seems to have forgotten what rest feels like. Question I ask myself at the end of all that is where am I going from here? I don't have an answer. Just going with the flow.

I know what I'd like to do though. Buy a camera and travel the world. Take pictures. No Photoshop. You can't Photoshop life.

It would be nice to have someone to take along, but not necessary. In fact I'd rather do it alone.

Time is flying. In another month I'll be getting ready to go to America. And for some reason I am more excited than I was about Switzerland. Can't wait to drive down those long Rhode Island freeways in my brothers Beemer. People in the office think I won't come back. You never know.

***

Singh is Crrap says our man Masand. And I would tend to believe him. I'd rather spend the movie money on a beef barbecue sizzler at Yana's (if only they served beer!). Which is what JC and I did last Sunday when Ugly aur Pagli was sold out at Adlabs. Not my idea to see it in the first place; she's the Hindi movie buff.

***

Quite a show the Chinks put on in Beijing last night. A thought that occurred to me a while back-- if television viewers around the world decided not to watch a single live coverage of the Olympics because of what them Chinks been doing in Tibet, would it really hurt the buggers? And if yes then how much? Wouldn't that be a great way to punish the rotters for the atrocities in Tibet?

But if you're a sports fanatic like me that would be really - really - hard to do. I mean you wait four damn years to see those lovely Russian gymnasts in action, not to mention the swimming and the athletics and the weightlifting. Hell, last time I was even stuck to my seat watching Rajwardhan shooting the crap out of them clay pigeons!

Nope, no can do. I gotta watch the Olympics. Maybe if I had a Tibetan girlfriend. But no - not even if I had a Tibetan girlfriend.

***

my my hey hey
rock n' roll is here to stay
it's better to burn out
than to fade away

Wasn't Cobain who first said that, those of you who don't know; it was Neil Young. Always felt the man got more credit than he deserved. Kurt I mean, not Neil. Neil was awesome. This for Sandy ... know she's a big CSNY fan. Happy Birthday babe! ... Don't ask me how I remembered :)

It wouldn't be too extreme to say that crowds sicken me. Why are we Indians so loud? In everything we do? Loud, loud, loud. Go to a restaurant and the people next to you are so loud you think it's better to shut up and listen to what they're saying instead.

Feel like a total misfit among crowds like these, I do. How many times has there been a joke cracked at the next table and you find the someone casting a glance towards you to see if you're laughing. It is assumed of course that you've heard. And if the person at the next table laughs, they it really is funny. Or so they'd like to believe.

I like these quiet evenings at home. Think I'll pour myself a drink. Turning into more and more of a loner I am. But I like it like this. Just me and my thoughts. And the Cowboy Junkies. Those of you never heard of the Cowboy Junkies, they're a Canadian alternative country/rock band, all in the family. Like Canada's version of the Corrs, maybe not so famous. But whatever happened to the Corrs? Did they break up?

Y'know, I'm thinking now it's only people who've never let music touch their souls who are so bludy loud. Like empty goddamn vessels.

Here's lead sing Margo Timmins and the Cowboy Junkies. Lonely sinkin' feeling. Love her voice ... enchanting. This for Eve. Keep the posts, and the music coming.

It quite amuses me to see the fresh graduates being churned out these days. How the only thing they think about is how much money they'll be making in a year. Someone forgot to tell them that in order to make that much money you have to spend 9 hours five days a week doing a rather unpleasant thing called work.

What amuses me even more is that they actually believe they are worth so much money!

My mind goes back to when I first started working. 4,910 measly rupees is what used to find its way into my bank account every month. But still I gave RD my all. RD was my boss, one of the finest men I've had the pleasure of knowing ... PhD in Biochemical Engineering from MIT, Harvard Business School, he'd done it all. And yet you could have chai with him at the tea stall down the road with the same ease as you'd with your buddy from college.

Yet companies these days are so desperate to hold on to these morons. Fatted is what they are. But still I believe there's no such thing as a free ride. Even though many these days seem to be getting it. How long it will last is the question.

***

The girl at the Consulate was kind enough to give me a 10 year visa. I wanna go camping at Yellowstone with my brother before those 10 years are up. So many places I wanna visit in the States actually. Hollywood, Memphis, the Chicago blues clubs, Vegas (though I prefer nature to the bright lights) ... Frisco. But will you look at the way the fares have gone up! Christ Almighty! Europe is cheaper, way cheaper. Less miles I guess.

***

I see the Left is meeting today to decide on whether or not they should pull out. Someone was telling the other day me that every time the Left open their mouths about anything Sonia Gandhi stuffs a lot of money down their throats. But now the so called socialists are getting too greedy to satisfy. Hmmm, I think they should all be charged with treason and shot.

David Gray. Forever is tomorrow is today. Reckon he makes sense?

Kinda wish I was back in Schweizerland right now. Euro 2008 and all. Big boss indicated to me couple of weeks ago that there might be another trip in the offing ... another two or three months. Damn but not in the winter again. But then the weather in that country is as unpredictable as a woman's moods. Right in the middle of winter you'll have two or three days of warm sunshine. And now when it's supposed to be the best time of year I hear it's been raining cats 'n dogs.

Fats is down from DXB. For his marriage preparation course. Joked with him that all he needed was to be a tiger in bed!

Wonder how women put up with men's fetishes though. Like the Kid has what he calls an armpit fetish. Laughed when he first told me that. Man, I never bothered to notice a woman's bludy armipts! No seriously SwB, they're really sexy when they're all smooth and silky shaven. Yeah, well - whatever rocks your boat dude!

***

Prices are up and things ain't great with the economy. Got all this money lying around that I don't know where to invest. Spending it seems like a not a bad idea. The guys say I should buy a car. But hell, I ain't buying one of them sissy small cars. I'd rather buy a big bike.

But I do believe the government is doing the best they can. And it's not easy given the kind of idiots they have to put up with. I was watching this discussion with Sagarika Ghose (the woman needs to learn to shut up), Montek Singh Ahluwalia and some Kolkatta commie on IBN the other day. Poor Montek was repeatedly trying to explain the governments helplessness given the skyrocketing fuel prices, but the commie kept insisting that the losses being made by the oil companies were not 'real' ... only on paper he called it. You could tell Montek was trying to stifle a laugh. Yeah, seems to me like the first thing you need to do to be a Kolkatta commie is to throw your brains into the bludy Hoogly.

***

Counting Crows. This one for Sandhya.

Nice Sunday.