The truth is that life is hard and dangerous;
that he who seeks his own happiness does not find it;
that he who is weak must suffer;
that he who demands love, will be disappointed;
that he who is greedy, will not be fed;
that he who seeks peace, will find strife;
that truth is only for the brave;
that joy is only for him who does not fear to be alone;
that life is only for the one who is not afraid to die.

- Joyce Carey

blow out the candles
wish for something nice

... how about another
roll of the dice?

I'm not asking for a lot.

Does it cost you so much
to give me so little?

Does it really??

... or are you simply
out of change.

Goddamned Kolhapuri missal! - had me out of action for the better part of three days .... you want to clean out your system, do it cheap with a plate of bludy missal - only 12 bucks! And a damn good job it does too. Reminds me of those days when my mother used to force a spoonful of castor-oil down our throats .... man, that was so awful! I tell you: giving your kids castor-oil should be officially declared as one form of violent child abuse, punishable with the guilty parents having to take 5 tablespoons of the damn thing themselves. That'll teach 'em!

Anyway, I'm better now. Watched KBC-2 on tele last night with my folks and JC. She treated us to kathi-kababs and tandoori chicken, and even bought me a beer. She's a good girl; if only she weren't so damn lazy.

And yesterday was the first time I watched an entire episode of KBC this season. Great Indian Warrior Chief 'Big B' looking good as usual in his Reid & Taylor. Felt real bad for the guy from Chattisgarh who looked like he'd go far, but instead ended up wasting all his lifelines on one question. You know, a little common sense can go far in situations like these .... and being a pretty intelligent guy himself, I don't know how he thought the audience and then his friend would have the answer to a question that he did not have the slightest clue to. He should just have flipped the damn thing ... audience and friend are only for things you're not completely sure about. And frankly that was a very tough question - who the hell would know that Nepal is the only country in the world that has a national flag that is not square (there are square flags?) or rectangular in shape ... seems it's triangular or something! Always were bludy weird buggers, those Nepalese!

Anyway, I'm starting to sound like Merril now. Interesting blog that, btw - quite funny that someone should take the trouble to start a blog dedicated to Warrior Chief and his crorepati's ... just lakhpati's uptil now, anyway.

But Kajol and that Devgan fellow are set to win a crore tonight. I've always liked Kajol ... not as much as I love my Nandita of course. Are all Oriyya girls dark and dusky ('earthy' is the word Pompy once used) like Nandita? Maybe I should log on to shaadi.com and find out. I hear they now have a service that delivers marriage proposals straight to your inbox ... For millions of love-lorn buggers like me, downloading their mail must never have been quite as exciting!

But isn't it something of a mystery that these celebs are always winning big money on KBC?

***

And guess what I saw during the break on KBC yesterday? Yep, yett-another Shahrukh Khan ad - this one for shakkar-paani (aka Pepsi). Seems to me like the Indian advertising industry has decided to go where no one has gone before when it comes to "creativity". What I wouldn't give to be among the brilliant minds diligently at work at JWT (Pepsi's ad agency) .... Hell! I wouldn't mind being a fly outside one of their office windows just to catch a glimpse of pure genius in operation. And I hear those creative director chaps get paid big bucks - talk about having your cake and eating it! Sigh! If wishes were horses...

So this one has our hero in the role of a snake charmer. And as you've probably guessed by now, I just couldn't resist :)

SRK dressed in snake-charmer suit doing his stuff with whatever that flute-like thing is called. A bunch of Pepsi bottles sway rhythmically to his tune. Suddenly he hears a violent, hissing noise coming from the corridor outside. The next moment he is confronted by an angry 22-foot-long giant python, but this one is unlike any python he's seen before. It's head is, well - different!

Oh s-s-SHIT!! Abbe k-k-kaun ... kya hai tu???

Then, what seems like a distant, but familiar voice is heard coming from behind.

It's me, babes.

On closer inspection, he sees none other than his good pal Karan Johar being hoisted up and down like a child's rattle by the serpents rear-end. To his horror he realizes that the python is nothing but Karan's chota bhai - a mammoth version of that very familiar appendage.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Abbe, yeh kya ... itna bada kaisa ho gaya?? K-k-kya kiya tu?

Kiya toh sab tune, bewakoof! Sapera kaun hai - main ya tu??

Lekin m-m-main toh sirf ... I was just ... Bubbly! ... P-P-Pepsi! ... laundiyan ke kapde uttarne ko-

Haan-haan, lekin itna jor se kyoon bajaya, nalayak! ... tune mere saanp ko bhi neend se utha diya!

K-K-Karan, please usko andar daal do, yaar ... bahut hi khatarnaak dikhta ha!!

Now there is only one way, babes - tumhe isko satisfy karna padenga!

S-S-SATISFY!! ... Pagal ho gaye ho kya? Isko satisfy kiya toh ek mahine ke liye utna-baitna mushkil ho jayenga ... p-p-please Karan, kuch toh karo yaar!!

By now our hero is so stricken by fear, he's gone and wet himself.

Hahahaha, kya baat hai! - peeta Pepsi aur chhodta Mountain Dew! Chalo theek hai babes, this time main isko andar daalta hoon - but say the magic words first.

D-D-Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge?

Abbe gaddhe, tu abhi kuch lene ki baat mat kar! Lene wala hoon sirf main - Teri!

Oh, Stop it Karan - please!! *howling uncontrollably*

Kya tu bhi bacche ke tarah ro raha hai - shame on you! .... Next time don't forget the magic words OK; everybody knows it. Come on, say it with me: "Kabhi Pussy - Kabhi Bum"

Things I did today after a long, long time

-- ate Kolhapuri missal ... the bludy thing was dynamite! My innards are still making funny noises.

-- travelled by public transport. Saw a guy trying to feel-up some chicks' ass ... and actually found it funny. Yeah, I know - I'm a brute like the rest of them.

Aare behen, bus mein itna tight, chaddi-dikhane-wala jeans-pant mat pehna karo!

And waiting at the bus stop brought back memories of Avi (my very first colleague in my very first job) and the time I made the fellow run to catch a moving bus, not knowing he suffered from bludy asthma. After a brief sprint we made it into the bus, but by then he was gasping for breath and making very frightening wheezing noises, and everybody (including me) thought the guy was having a heart attack. The bus being packed to capacity, the conductor (last thing he wanted was someone kicking it in his bus) made me carry him out at the next stop ... but thank God for those asthma pumps - they're a lifesaver.

My thoughts were interrupted by an elderly man waiting next to me who picked up a conversation (why can't people just mind their own business?) and looked like he wanted to find out every damn thing there is to know about yours truly - even asking my age! Maybe he's got a daughter he wants to pack off in a hurry.

Anyhow, to my bad luck (as always!) he turned out to be some kind of evangelist and was mighty glad to learn I was Christian ... though the thought of pretending to be a maniac Shiv-Sainik did cross my mind. I hate bludy evangelists, and he seemed to guess I wasn't interested in anything he had to say, but he proceeded to tell me a story anyway. You gotta hand it to these guys - they never give up! One of these dudes could have done for Jesus the work of all 12 apostles

So this is the story: A guy goes to the Lord and says, "my cross is too damn heavy - please give me a lighter one". The Lord says, "sure, no problem," and then shows him to a room full of crosses and asks him to pick whichever he liked. The guy looks around and after finding all the other crosses way too big and heavy, picks up a tiny one lying near the doorway. "I'll take this one Lord, he says, mighty thrilled". The Lord looks at him and smiles. "My son, that was the one you brought with you

Kaisa bewakoof aadmi tha - khudh ka cross nahin pehchaan saka!

But I didn't say anything. Fortunately for me, I was saved from another story by the arrival of our bus. Standing precariously on the footboard was so much fun!

***

This blog had 182 (one hundred and eighty two!) visitors yesterday. What I'd like to know is: Who the hell are all these people? For a boring place like this, that's a hell of a lot I must say. And even if you take away the one's who came hoping to see little Sania Mirza's bazoomers, and the people I know, that leaves a lot of silent visitors.

And talking of Sania, I say the girl should forget about slogging it out on the tennis courts, and instead just do a center-spread for Playboy magazine, which I reckon should sell, what - 300 million copies in India alone? Playboy might even shift base to Hyderabad! She'll make Playmate of the Century for sure ... and the Sharapova's of this world will wonder what the hell they did wrong.

It seems her celebrity brand-rating has even surpassed that of our big cricketing heroes. Hmmm.... looks like the boys will now have think seriously about performing on the field rather than off it.

And I bet she could give many of our over-paid filmstars a run for their money too. Did you guys catch that Shahrukh Khan Lux soap ad on TV? I say they should have put bum-boy Karan Johar in that bathtub with him ... and targeted the homo's!

SRK and KJ together in bathtub with a bunch of lovely maidens fussing over them.

K-K-K-K-Karan, paani mein susu mat karo yaar, please - it's unhygienic! Tujhe pata hain na, bathtub mein swimming-pool jaisa filter nahin hain, phir bhu tu-

Oh, shut-up bitch! My pee is very clean OK ... I only drink mineral water, not like you - Devdas kahin ka! And what is there if you get a little dirty sometimes ... Main hoon na - tera LUX ;)

Interrupted by the maidens bending down to throw rose petals into the tub, our hero fails to notice that KJ has quietly disappeared underwater ... that is until he feels the barracuda biting the bait.

K-K-K-K-KARAN!!! Abbe kya kar rahe ho?? Stop it ok!! I told you Gauri doesn't like... Karan, not now, please! ... KARAN! Kar-aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Bas-turd!!

The barracuda emerges, joyfully nuzzling his face against our hero's smooth-silken chest.

Now wasn't that good babes :) ... Come on, say it with me: "Nothing-sux-like-LUX!"

rain comes down
pitter-patter

quenching, invigorating
dislocating, destroying

... like the love
that once drenched me

For a change I thought it would be nice to talk in the adulterated version of the English language made popular by our TV channels, which is fast becoming the unofficial national language of the country.

Pope Benedict XVI ka kehna hai ki we Catholics should have more babies. Apparently he feels it is "for the good of society". And though he went on to say that "having children is a gift that brings life and well-being to society" we know all too well what his cleverly camouflaged message to his flock is -- "Outnumber them before they outnumber us, godammit!"

Well, mujhe lagta hai ki most Catholics would be only too happy to oblige His Holiness, but what about the extra kharcha, boss? Bills kaun pay karega? Idhar toh gaadi mein petrol bhar-bhar ke I've become fully kangaal, and now he wants us to have more children! No-no, nothing doing - the Vatican will have to take up the responsibility and support us financially.

And more children will not be possible without more wives, hai na? Hum expect kaise kar sakte hai ki one girl should go through the rigours of childbirth again and again ... poor things! they are not machines, you know. Nahin yaar, chaar-paanch biwiyan toh lagenge. And they should also throw in something like that Musalmann log ka Triple Talaq. Kya mazaa aayega boss! .... Don't mess with me darling or I'll talaq your ass outta here!

Hang on folks ... my buddy Aloysius Lobo (aka Ally, who still thinks he's Portugese ) wants to say something.

.... But seriously dude, doesn't he sound like Heini saying that??

Yeh Heini kaun hai bhai?

Aare, woh Nazi black-shirt walla, dude - Heinrich Himmler ... you didn't go to bleddy school or what? He was Hitler's chief of the Schutzstaffel - pyaar se they were known as the SS ... no connection to Shiv Sena. He was responsible for the massacre of over 5 million jews in those camps at Auschwitz, Dachau and Buchenwald ... aare, what a bugger he was, I tell you!

Haan haan, uss badmaash ka naam suna hai. Yeah I guess Once a Nazi, always a Nazi. Saala! Pope ko abhi "Heil Hitler" bolna padega!

Not Hitler, duffer - Ratzinger!

Yes, yes I know yaar ... "Pope Joseph Ratzinger" kitna accha sound karta hai na? ... ekdum Nazi General jaisa!

Aare but dude, my dame Sandra will kick my backside man, if I talk about having more than one wife .... these modern girls bhi na, they bleddy want every damn thing, and we buggers have to slog like kutta's. Even daaru they don't want us to drink ... cigarette piya toh they threaten to leave us only. I say the Vatican should issue a Pontifical Decree allowing, no-no in fact insisting on polygamy. Then see how their bleddy tails become straight!

But you know Ally bhai, I think ki this Pope is a very chalaak fellow yaar ... dekh na, if this more babies walla thing is implemented, we'll end up killing teen panchiyan with one patthar - three birds with one stone!

What bleddy three birds are you talking about dude? ... for me handling one chick only is such a big headache!

No-no, see: if he permits polygamy, women toh sab line main aa jayenge; we will be ekdum khush because jabhi chahe we can talaq them if they start to khau our brains; and, all the kharcha will be sambhalofied by the Church!

Wah Blues! you're a genius man bugger!

Yeah, yeah! Chal, I gotta go ... Millee serial ka time ho gaya. Tu Millee watch karta hai kya? Sahi main yaar, har aadmi ke paas aisa posh housemaid rehna mangta, what say?

Hey dude, I don't see all this Millee-Billee hindi crap .... You watched Sania's match or what yesterday? Aare, she showed that pasta-eater Maria whatshername what our bleddy hot Indian curry can do ... those balls were going to the bottomline like bleddy missiles, man ! Just see, woh semifinals mein definitely aa jayegi.

It's called baseline yaar, not bottomline!

Whatever dude! ... Chalo, catch you later man bugger. Heil Ratzinger!

*click of heels* Heil Ratzinger!

Hurricane Katrina (such a sweet name for such a bad storm). The grim pictures on CNN probably tell us very little of the real effect it's had on people living in the states of Mississippi and Louisiana .... this time next year New Orleans will really be new.

And I bet our man Osama has currently shelved all his plans to wreck havoc on the infidels and their cities ... because nature has gone and done such a brilliant job for him.

***

Newspapers. I won't be surprised if very soon the only real use our newspapers will have is to replace the now banned plastic bag. I read two papers today - the first this morning was The Times of India. I know there will be always be days when they don't have any headline material, but I think it's crazy to have headlines that shout: "India beats China in arms race". It seems the lumbering elephant has overtaken the fleet-footed dragon in arms purchases - we shelled out 5.7 billion dollars on defence contracts in 2004 as compared to the 2.2 billion the Chinks spent, which, the article seems to suggest, is something we should all be proud of (consolation because we lag behind in every other department). Surely the guy who wrote this article must know that the only reason we spent so much is because we're having to replace all that worthless aging junk we've collected over the last couple of decades ... a problem the Chinese obviously do not have and hence are spending less. What I find really absurd is that somebody can actually proclaim we've won the arms race only because our expenditure in the previous year was higher! ... makes me wonder if the people who write these articles ever bother to read their own bludy newspapers.

I say if you don't have a headline story, splash a picture of Bipasha Basu in a string bikini ... that way your readers would at least get their moneys worth.

Then this afternoon the girl at the traffic intersection got me to buy a copy of today's Mid-Day. Now what can I say about Mid-Day ... once again, good substitute for the plastic bag. If you're the kind who needs to know how many times Shahrukh Khan farted yesterday, then Mid-Day is the paper for you.

Front page story talks about how the residents of the century old, dilapidated (and declared unsafe years back) buildings of Botawala Chawl in Mazagaon (Mumbai) refuse to go to makeshift government transit camps. They provide all sorts of reasons, but the real reason everybody knows: most of them are tenants paying ridiculously low rents and are scared that if they move they will lose whatever rights they have to those flats. Hence I say the authorities should just let them stay put ... let those buildings come crashing down and bury the buggers alive.

The Botawala's must be dancing with joy at the prospect of getting their property back ... because only in India will a court decide in favour of a tenant who refuses to vacate. That's how we lost our ancestral house in Goa.

But is this front-page news? Again, give us Bipasha.

***

That's it. I gotta watch Sania ... her tennis I mean. Hope I haven't missed it.

Y'know, it surprises me to see how many people land up at this here blog by doing a Google search for "Sania Mirza naked" and "Sania's boobs" ... she's just a child, for cryin' out loud!

Peace, love and weapons of mass distraction.

The scissor blades of time
keep snipping away
at my life.

I have to hurry.
I must find peace, love
and a hundred other things.

... and somewhere in there
I must find myself.

The art of living
is not to succumb
before your time here is over.

Relax, said the nightman:
we are programmed to receive.
You can check out any time you like,
but you can never leave.

"I had just leased this house out on the beach at Malibu, I guess it was around '74 or '75. I remember sitting in the living room, with all the doors wide open on a spectacular July day. I had this acoustic 12-string and I started tinkling around with it, and those Hotel California chords just kind of oozed out.

Every once in a while it seems like the cosmos parts and something great just plops in your lap." -- Don Felder (The Eagles)