'Stay home, Stay safe, Stay sane' is what the hashtag should say. Because staying home and staying safe we can manage; staying sane I'm not so sure. In other parts of the world mental health specialists are working overtime to help folks like us who are suffering from the effects of quarantine, but what's going to happen here? In a country like ours where it is generally perceived that one would either have to be bludy mad or completely out of choices to make a career in mental health, who are we going to turn to? There just aren't enough mental health specialists for so many of us. 

What people look for during these difficult times is both comfort and release. Starting with comfort -- A colleague messaged me today saying he feels like a call center operative (which is one of the toughest jobs anybody can do) sitting in front of a laptop with that headset on practically the whole day and can't take it any more. "Do you feel the same?", he wants to know from me. Now the obvious answer is -- yeah kinda, and if I had told him that he'd have felt so much better, like he's got a comrade-in-arms. But here's the thing:  I  wouldn't really be helping him; in fact I'd just be making it worse. He'd spend another week thinking he's working a call center and will do nothing to shake his whiny ass out of it. So I tell him, "No man, I'm fine. It's a bit of a change, sure, but I'm coping well". Now by saying that he's gonna start thinking -- Dude, I gotta get my shit together. This guy is fine, why the hell am I acting like such a wuss! So the trick here is don't offer comfort. (Okay, maybe you can empathize a little but don't go so far as to get the other guy thinking he's the one that's fine and you're the one that's fucked up!). Given that this is what our life is going to be for the next few months we've all got to figure out ways to not go loco, by ourselves, without the help of a counselor. Because they're all going to be busy treating our Bollywood celebrity types, given that their barely available services will be so much in demand. 

Coming to release -- Release is good. Someone forwarded me an article today that activity in the bedroom helps to release a bunch of feel-good hormones which in turn somehow also helps boost your immune system. I don't know far that's true but I was surprised to learn that there are scientists actually researching stuff like this. In any case I hope that's not the advice the Italians took very seriously before social distancing become the rule. But now that it has, the article recommends 'self-service' which is fine in countries with advanced broadband infrastructure, not in ours. We're having enough problems as it is with everyone under house-arrest; last thing we need is people working and playing from home!    

So what do we do for release then? I'll tell you what I do: Apart from a few push-ups and squats in the morning (I can't do yoga - haven't tried but I'm sure I'll fail) and a bit of guitar practice after work hours, it's BBC radio. They have this great mobile app where you get a bit of everything -- various genres of music, news, literature, comedy etc. I usually keep switching between World Service and Radio 2 and let it play in the background the whole time I'm on the work computer, except when I'm on calls (sometimes even during those useless waste-of-time calls). Oh and how can I forget the blog posts - yes, blogging helps. Whatever's on your mind - write about it, read it. It helps clear the head, put things in perspective, and may even release more feel-good hormones than the activities in aforementioned paragraph. And it's low bandwidth so you'll be doing your fellow sufferers a service. Plus when this is all over, you'll have the archives to flip through and tell yourself what a swell job you did not going over the edge! 

Peace, love, and grappling hooks. 

I haven't looked forward to a weekend this much in a long time. Don't you feel that we actually spend more time at our computers working from home than we do at the office? They should be paying us overtime, they should. I was so sick of the office Lenovo that I put it away this morning and took out the Toshiba that's been my companion since 2011.  

I think it's wonderful that musicians from all over the world are doing these little performances on Facebook and Instagram, some even taking requests from fans. It's different seeing them do their stuff in a domestic setting; Norah Jones sounded great even thought she looked like she jumped out of bed and sat straight at the piano. What was really cool was Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman yesterday, where she joined in the singing and even did a little jiggy dance. She looks so fabulous she could pass off for a 25 year old!

Wonder what our Bollywood heroes and heroines are up to right now? The overly-sculpted chaps are quite likely losing muscle tone and the women are probably freaking out over their eyebrows getting too bushy. Hell, I say Urban Clap should be added to the list of essential services, along with the likes of Big Basket and Grofers. They must be losing tons of money I imagine, all our beloved superstars - no movies coming out, no ribbon cutting or brand promotion events, and no cricket for our Boys in Blue - oh that must be a bummer. Apart from recycling pics on Instagram, I think they must be bored to death. Same goes for that bunch of Instagrammers call themselves 'travel-bloggers', people I envy like mad. They're probably all done throwing up throwback pics by now. Come to think of it, my life ain't half bad. 

Back to virus related news, just read that the US is planning to evacuate its citizens from India. Assuming many of them are Gujjus going to New Jersey, I wonder how wise it is for them to return. 

Don't you think we're being bombarded with way more information than our already overloaded brains can absorb -- an 'infomedic' is what they're calling it. The worst are the ones that go about concocting all kinds of doomsday predictions which can scare the shit out of simple folk like us. Like one report I read yesterday which said that India could end up having up to 400 million positive cases by July and god knows how many million deaths. I mean how is stuff like that supposed to help anybody? Yes we know the number of infected persons is probably in the tens of thousands (because we cannot test everyone right now) but what are we supposed to do apart from what we're doing already? Or are they trying to tell us to build bunkers and stock up on provisions for the next 1 year. 

Let's just listen to the music instead. Got a notification just now that Playing for Change will be doing a live global jam at 9 p.m. CET tonight (that's 1:30 a.m. IST); they'll be jamming on 'Stand by me' which should be fun. I am reminded of the lyrics of that song by Paloma Faith.

You gotta make your own kind of music,

sing your own special song;

make your own kind of music,

even if nobody else sings along.  

Some random Corona thoughts:

-- I reckon the one place most people will make a beeline for as soon as this is over are the hair cutting salons and the beauty parlours! Because in 21 days the adult occupants of most homes in the country will resemble wolves ... and more frighteningly -- she-wolves!! Being bald never felt this good!!

-- People in extra-marital relationships must be having the worst time ever! Imagine carrying on the whole sordid business on whatsapp or video calling in the car park by making an excuse to go check on the car!

-- Those who have made a livelihood cheating people for years must be getting so screwed right now. One fraternity that come to mind are the Goa taxi drivers and bike/car hire guys. I'd give anything to see the look on the faces of those sonsofbiches right now! They so had it coming!

-- I had to intervene to break up an argument between a man and a woman at the butchery section at the supermarket yesterday. The guy ordered 5 kgs of chicken which incensed the woman because she would have to wait much longer. She looked at him angrily and said, "This is Indian culture!", meaning he was being inconsiderate toward all the others in the line. To which he says, "Aren't you also an Indian?" After which all hell broke loose. When it was my turn I ordered 1 kg instead of 2.

-- If you are Catholic, this years is probably the best Lenten abstinence you have observed. Ever.

Make no mistake about it: This virus will test us and will do everything it can to break us. We have to fight it like our lives depend on it. Because frankly it does.

This pandemic has also come as a brutal reality check for the world. We have been taking things for granted for far too long, and have let misplaced priorities, selfishness and greed drive our decisions. It's ironic that nations have spent decades amassing wealth and stockpiling weapons of mass destruction at the cost of the planet, and this virus just casually comes along and makes so much of that wealth vanish in a matter of weeks without a bullet being fired. When the so-called greatest nation on earth that has the capability to 'take out' anything they want at will, declares a state of emergency because they have a shortage of testing kits and medical resources, it goes to show us what we really are, in a way echoing the words of the Bible: 'For dust you are and to dust you will return'. We thought we were invincible like Goliath, but in reality we are as insignificant as the dirt under David's feet.

I think we will be changed people after this has ended. We will be better human beings - humble and kind, with a lot more respect for our planet and everything around us. We will stop fu****g around, and we sure as hell will know what we're really worth -- NOTHING!

For me the start of 2016 was like setting off on a great big ship to go on the cruise of my dreams to exotic destinations while having the time of my life. 

Little did I know that very soon that ship would hit a storm and capsize and I'd be left stuck in a very tiny lifeboat in the middle of an ocean struggling to survive each day, taking on whatever the elements would throw at me. And now I lie here battered and bruised on a rocky beach after an ordeal that seemed to last a lifetime. 

Ironically enough, another fancy cruise ship just pulled up a little distance away and there are all these people coming ashore, who for some strange reason are wishing me a happy new year.  

I don't know about them, but I'm never getting on a cruise ship again!  

***

So who do I blame? Myself for wanting so eagerly to go on that cruise, or the hand of fate for having such a sadistic sense of humour? While I'm waiting for the answer, the end result is that I have nothing to show for this year, nothing at all. And that can be quite depressing.

So I don't know if I want to wish anybody a happy new year. I'd rather just share some survival stories and pray that your ship doesn't capsize.  

***

This song is dedicated to someone who's had her own share of misfortune this year, someone I love very dearly. I hope 2017 will be kinder. On the both of us.

Peace, love, and a little more luck.              

Do you sometimes feel like you're living a read-only life? Like someone else has the write access and all you can do is look at what's being written for you and go along?

How hard is it to write your own destiny if you are powerless to do so? And what is destiny anyway? Is it even a real thing? Or is it just a word somebody coined to describe a situation you can't change, whether for better or for worse.

I like to believe that we are never really powerless to change a situation. It's just that sometimes we run out of ideas.

Peace, love, and a little more inspiration.

Doing the right thing is so damn hard at times. So damn hard.

***

Played guitar after so long at a friends place last week. Can't believe how rusty I've become. But they loved it all the same. Goldilocks called my little performance a 'treasure'. Nobody's ever called it that before, but come to think of it music is one of the most precious gifts I have. Without it I'd pretty much be dead.

Not sure how many of you been watching the The Stage on Colors Infinity. Amazing how much vocal talent there is in our country. If only we could write them songs. Last season it was Soundarya and Kamakshi who had me captivated and now it's Sharvi and Aishwarya. Sharvi is wonderful and I'm pretty sure she's gonna win it, but Aishwarya, she's the dark horse. Problem is she's not the girl for every song, which is what the contest seems to be looking for. But when she's in her element, she can rip the pants off anybody. Like when she sang Birdy's Skinny Love. Birdy's been a favourite of mine for a long time now, but with her rendition of Skinny Love I dare say Aishwarya kicked her ass!   

***

Seeing Chelsea send United to the cleaners this evening was good fun. People ask me who I support and I say nobody. I've been watching English football since the late 80's way before cable TV popularized the European leagues here, so I find it a little weird when people tell me they're Chelsea or United supporters. Because when I ask them why, why United and not say Crystal Palace (which back in the day were a pretty solid team), they usually don't have a very good answer. Which is why I reckon Leicester City's success last season left many so called 'supporters' of the bigger clubs in something of a quandary: should we stick with them or proclaim our support for the Foxes? And more importantly, what do we do with the Chelsea and United jerseys now! 

 
Skinny Love by Aishwarya Suresh. You're a star, girl!

In my view he is the greatest songwriter of our generation. And long after he is gone he will be remembered as the greatest songwriter that ever lived. Because his songs are more than just songs - his songs are anthems that have left a mark on the lives of millions. Whether he deserves the Nobel Prize for literature I really can't say given my limited knowledge of literature, however if the Nobel Committee were hard-pressed to find somebody more worthy, I'd say they chose one hell of an  alternative!      

***

I love the BBC radio mobile app. For one it's got me listening to the World Service again, something I would do for hours on my dad's shortwave radio when I was a kid. And surprisingly it's still pretty much the same: I always marveled at how they'd go to all corners of the earth bringing you stories and giving you insights into stuff you'd never have known otherwise. Sadly it's also the same in how much killing and destruction and desperation there is prevalent around the world. Thirty years and so little has changed. What are we as a race doing to ourselves?

And tomorrow the rest of us will go back to our jobs, to toil away like ants. As if there is nothing in the world that can harm us or cut our lives short. When in fact there is danger lurking all around, above and beneath, inside and out. Such stupid little creatures we are.

***

There is a girl I want to fall in love with. I see her at work every day. And she sees me. And somehow I get the feeling she's thinking the exact same thing I am: What's the point?             

To fall in love with you. Bob Dylan. The one and only.

I'm willing to bet Donny Trump woke up late one morning after a heavy night of partying, groping and all the things he loves to do and said to some bimbo in the room, -- Hell, that was fun! But I wanna do something REALLY crazy. What do you reckon, honey? And she after putting her mind to it for a second went, -- Maybe you should run for President!

The next thing you know some of the more knowledgeable staff were summoned and asked: Who do we have running for President in 2016? And the answers would have been Hillary and a bunch of other geezers nobody knows. And then Donny must have thought to himself: You know what, this could be just like that time in sixth grade when I stuck my finger in Bethany's birthday cake right before she could blow out the candles! Hell, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna stick my finger in Hillary's goddamn cake!

Donald Trump doesn't want to be President. Simply because when you have everything a man could possibly want without being accountable to the people, you'd have to be a complete nut head to go and put yourself out there. And a nut head he most certainly is not. No Sirree! All he wants to do is turn the race for the most powerful office in the world into one very big joke. Or in his case a series of little jokes, from building a wall to keep the Mexicans out, to refusing entry to Muslims, to Obama's birth certificate, and most recently about the nasty things he likes to do to the ladies. 

Funny thing is Trump is not the only one laughing. A lot of people are. While a lot of others are getting mad. Which is usually what happens when you make a joke that isn't politically correct. And Donny sure as hell ain't no politician!  

***

Big Presidential debate tonight. Too late for us unfortunately. But if I were living in a friendlier time zone, I'd call the boys over and pop a few drinks while letting Donny provide the entertainment. He hasn't said anything about the Indians, I wonder why. Maybe he's saving the best for last. Let's wait and see.      

Peace, love and surprise endings!

I hate bludy dentists. Because they rarely have good news to give you. If fact it's almost like they exist only to give you bad news. It's so horribly depressing when after six months of brushing three times a day and flossing and treating your teeth like they were the bludy crown jewels, he takes a look inside your mouth for exactly ten seconds and goes, oh ... ohh ... not good. And you're like, tell me fucker, what is it!?!     

But he will take his time. With that stupid little mouth mirror of his. When was your last visit? Without waiting for you to answer, he will swivel his chair around to look at your dental record, as if it doesn't matter if your last visit was yesterday. 

Err ... about six months back, you stutter, disappointed. But still he won't break it to you. Then slowly, the first blow. You will need at least three appointments. Followed by the knock out punch. Four fillings and one root canal ... maybe two!        

At that point it's almost like they suppress a loud bwahahahahahaha!! While you go, nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

But there's nothing you can do. Except maybe make a sad face and hope he will give you a discount!   

***

GAP opened its first store in the city yesterday. The desi edition somehow does not seem worth the money. And as far as the jeans are concerned, they seem to have not taken into account one very important fact about us Indians: If we're paying 5 grand for a pair of jeans, we need to say it loud! One little tab on the behind that says '1969' will not simply cut it. I even saw one bloke looking at the label and wondering what the hell 1969 was. Perhaps the only thing that would have made a difference is if it was the year of his birth. That would have been okay.   

Conversely you have some brands that take it a bit too far. Ever seen those broad underwear waistbands with the brand name on it? I don't get that. I guess it started with Calvin Klein but theirs don't look so bad. It's quite a sight though when you see a guy bending to tie his shoelaces only to get a glimpse of his dirty grey or dark orange knickers with CHROMOZOME in bold! Yuck! Something like this. 

I buy mine from M&S. Yes, you didn't need to know that. The women's lingerie section at M&S looks like one big candy store, doesn't it? Yeah, I seen some very happy wimmen prancing about in there!    

***

Check out Putumayo World Music if you got nothing else to do this Sunday. Found it when I started looking for Colombian music on YouTube after a marathon session of watching Narcos. I tell you in the next life I want to be born South American! Hijo de puta is what I will call my dentist!

The music of Colombia. Great stuff!