What do you do when it's a tussle between the head and the heart and neither one is winning?

... And now I understand exactly what they mean when they say, 'It's not you, it's me'.

***

Jack Johnson on a Monday morning. It's good to be back.

Sania - Shoaib. Will they, won't they? Turns out our man was duped into doing a telephonic whateveritscalled marriage thing with the other woman - something he blames entirely on his youth and not "knowing better". See, there are two things that happen when one is young: either you are very stupid or very eager. The fact that he went through with it simply by looking at photographs of some buxom beauty, which as it turns out were not that of the woman he did the telephonic thing with, indicates more the latter than the former, I think.

But Inshallah they will, and Inhsallah she will still play tennis for India, and Inshallah (and this is a BIG Inshallah!) her fans will still get to see those aspects of her that have made her famous ;)

But why an Indian girl? What does an Indian girl have that her Pakistani counterpart is missing? Though with Sania we may be looking at an exception.

The guardians of all that is Indian* are of course not happy. Someone even suggested that the couple's first act of love be treated as an 'infiltration' and dealt with accordingly!

*Sometimes Indian, sometimes Marathi - they really must make up their minds.

***

Easter Monday. A holiday in many parts of the world. No such luxury here.

From 1972, the Doobie Brothers - Listen to the music.

After a while you can tell if the other guy has a fight in him or not. Sometimes you see it in the eyes, sometimes you don't. Some eyes will burn bright with rage while others will be cold and calculating. Sometimes they come at you fast and furious, thrashing away; at other times they will wait to see your first move - wait to see which part of your body you're keen to protect and hit you there - quick and decisive.

But the most difficult opponents were the ones who knew no fear, the ones that had nothing to lose, the ones who'd always keep you guessing. Something always told me they were the ones who would survive - not just the fights, life.

***

What do we fear, really, when the world comes at us with everything its got? Why do we seek solace in tears and words that comfort? Why do we want to run away, hide, disappear, grieve silently over what might have been? Because the world can tell if we have a fight in us or not.

And sometimes all you need to do is stand your ground and keep them guessing. Even if you are really scared.

Jack Johnson.

The snooty bastard from work who had so much free time on his hands he would spend hours in the office gym building big muscles that he would show off on Fridays wearing a tight red T-shirt looking like bludy Daniel Craig, came down with a slipped disc.

My grandmother wasn't kidding when she talked of the power of the evil eye :)

***

She said she wanted a song, so here it is - a late birthday dedication for Parul. From his best selling album Still got the Blues, Gary Moore - All your love.

When in Dubai you get the feeling that one of the things people (the expatriates I'm talking about) fear most is going 'inside', second only I think to deportation. At first I didn't quite get what this inside business was, but then they explained -- Inside as in andar ... the slammer, prison, jail, lock-up, whatever you want to call it.

And from what I was given to understand, what could get you inside is everything from breaking smelly wind in the Metro to credit card default to driving your car onto the pavement after one too many or even not walking straight after one too many, to laughing loudly at this big illuminated billboard on Sheikh Zayed Road that reads www.OurFatherZayed.ae. Actually it was not the billboard itself but the joke that went with it which sounds like the Lord's Prayer: Our Father Zayed, we art in debt ...

To, as we learn today - sending suggestive text messages to a member of the opposite sex. Hmmm...

Therefore I'm sure the question most Dubai residents are now asking is what can and can we not text? But not wanting to take any chances I reckon people will start to cleverly disguise their messages henceforth. Like one to the paramour with whom its been a while -- Baby you game for a few rounds of tiki puka puka** this evening!

Oh and lookie what we have here, also in Dubai -- I bet these two tried everything possible to keep it indoors till sheer frustration forced one of them to say - Let's go outside!



**Those of you Gulfie folk never tried a Tiki Puka Puka head over to the nearest Trader Vic's and do so. Not a big rum drinker myself, but I have to say the 151º Jamaican stuff they put in it can get you quite excited!

Up in the Air is such a brilliant movie. At the end of it you realize life is like playing on a see-saw: By yourself all you get is the lows ... the highs come only with company. Even if it's the bottle.

Simon & Garfunkel.

So it's like this -- I ride a 16 year old Yamaha which I love very much, but if someone offered me a quickie on a 2010 Ducati, wouldn't I be tempted? Which is pretty much what the guys at Emotional Atyachaar are doing. You send a hot little number to work her charms on some poor sod and he will not just fall into the trap, he will jump right into it.

Most of the time it's just about sex. Ask any of the guys who got caught why they did it and I bet their answer will be only to get some. After the act they'd be only too happy to go back to their girlfriends of three years or five years or even ten years as was the case with one couple.

Compare that with the American show Cheaters on which the desi version is based and there is one very important difference -- the other women/men there are not planted by the shows production team; they are people the suspected cheaters are actually involved/having affairs with.

So is Emotional Atyachaar being fair? I don't think so. Just because I want to ride that big blazing Ducati doesn't make me love my Yamaha any less. Because the key to remember is that right now I know I can never own that monster.

And what this will do is put the fear of hidden cameras and hot booty in most men with girlfriends/wives. Which is why the show in this case won't go on for very long. Because now if approached by a beautiful woman there are only two possibilities: either she is very desperate, or, you are going to star in the next episode of EA! And there is no way to tell the difference. Better safe than screwed, they will all say. (pun intended of course)

***

I could really feel the heat today ... with summer approaching I mean. Looks like we're in for a scorcher.

Some of the old timers here may know this one. From 1989, a band that used to call themselves Heart -- All I wanna do is make love to you.

Some hearts can never be given - like a song you can listen to anytime but cannot download.

But they can still be broken.

1411?

Now that is bound to upset some people. Because the correct figure should be 1414. Yes, how could they leave out the three that rule the city of Mumbai - the three that have been roaring very loudly in recent times, making every outsider who has encroached on their territory well aware of who's boss.

But jokes apart, how did they arrive at the number? Because from what I know you'd have more luck catching Katrina Kaif scratching her rear in public than spotting a tiger in the wild. I could say there are just 156 left and they'd have a hard time disproving me.

And what is this Join the Roar nonsense? Something some over-creative adwalla came up with after seven or eight Old Monks I reckon. Because how is joining the roar going to save the tiger? As if some poacher in Ranthambore is going to think twice before he lays his next trap, -- you know what, there are 75380 people "roaring" on some website ... maybe I should just let this one go and find myself a 'real' job. I don't think so.

A better idea would be, you know, to 'Adopt a Tiger'. Now there's something that'll have plenty of takers ... among the rich and lamous of course, these being what you might call collectors items. Pay a certain amount every month or every year and receive regular updates on how your tiger is doing. You could even have the option of naming the beast and visiting him when he's feeling friendly. Before you know it, it will become the new status symbol and a topic of socialite conversation -- Ohh my Sheroo is doing so well ... I'm paying extra so that he gets only prime rib. -- Mine is vegetarian, we being Jain and all ... but I make sure he gets twice the amount of soya!

Surely better than spending all that money buying some outfit you're only going to wear once, or a handbag designed by some French cross-dresser.

I know. I really am in the wrong line of work.

***

From All the Roadrunning, Mark Knopfler and Emmylou Harris -- I dug up a diamond. For Deb.

I may not be his biggest fan but for this I give him a thumbs up. His buddy Johar I'm sure would have wasted no time apologizing and might even have gone a step further to prove his love for the Marathi Manoos by offering to rename his next project to My name is Karandikar.

And why is it still being called Bollywood? Shouldn't it be Mollywood now that Bombay is Mumbai and has been for so long? Something the supremos at the SS and MNS might want to take up.

I think the only way to teach the blighters a lesson would be for every non-Maharashtrian in Mumbai to pack his bags and leave the city for some time. It would be fun to see what will become, or rather what will be left, of the Mumbai the self-appointed torchbearers of Marathi pride so vehemently claim is 'theirs'. Even more fun would be to see the local IPL team, the Mumbai Indians, playing on a new home ground somewhere in Gujarat.

***

The Everly Brothers from way back when -- When will I be loved. Which I suspect is the lament of most Biharis, Bhaiyyas, and what have you in the great city of Bombay.