You know the way many Indian girlie names end up getting shortened with an 's' - like how Divya becomes Divs and Raveena becomes Ravs ... well, if you have a daughter you better make sure you don't name her Tithi, because the poor thing will in all probability end up being called- you know what! And if she happens to have genes that turn her into a big-bazoomed Punjabi woman, she will never forgive you.

***

I've been looking at the Navy SEALs workout. Mel says we can do it. I know that the push up - pull up - sit up combination is very effective .... and if you get yourself two sets of dumbbells - one light, one heavy - you'll never have to shell out big bucks at the gym again. They also throw in a lot of running and swimming to build stamina. Yeah, it looks like pretty deadly stuff - you'll be ready to take on those damned Iraqi insurgents in no time.

The swimming might be a problem though. I normally avoid swimming in pools because of all the sumo's splashing about. It's hard even to complete one full lap without colliding into someone's bum. But they say you can substitute the swimming with cycling ... can't remember the last time I rode a bicycle. Not a bad idea though, considering the price of petrol and all.

***

Isn't that Rakhi Sawant episode bludy hilarious? I was watching one of the Hindi news channels today and they kept playing out the footage in a loop which made it even more funny. What the hell was Mika thinking? This is Bombay shahar ... not some hamlet in bludy Punjab where you can get away with this kind of misbehaviour. But something tells me Rakhi's item-girl days are over.

So, our Bollywood brats are having a ball at the IIFA in Dubai. And not surprisingly the movie Black (which to me was crap) has once again walked away with all the awards. Our man Ally tells me that some big Dubai-based Sindhi businessman has decided to give Sanjay Leela Bhansali free guthka for life because he was so touched by the film. In return Bhansali has promised to call his next film Red.

Also I hear a new Rakesh Roshan movie is going to be out soon, one that has beta Duggu (yeah that's Rhithik's pet name ... sounds like a drunkard parrot) doing something on the lines of Superman .... I can hardly wait! But if you ask me, Duggu should seriously consider becoming a full-time item-boy and leave the Superman stuff to someone else. He might hurt himself.

BFN.

sometimes all you can do is wait
and wonder:

am I the kill
... or am I the bait?

Trane's Blues by the great John Coltrane. This is one mind-blowing CD, and needless to say one of my all-time favourites. Read the reviews on the Amazon page (click on image).

I went to this Jazz Nite at the Willingdon Gym last Friday. The drummer was good, and not far behind were the guitarist and the saxophonist; though I couldn't help wondering how people are not sick to death of listening to stuff like Take-5, Autumn Leaves, Besame Mucho and Louis Armstrong's What A Wonderful World ... yeah, in Bombay even that passes off for jazz. Anyway, it was nice to be treated to some awesome drumming (solo on Take-5 especially). I forget the guys name but they tell me he does studio sessions for - get ready for this - Sonu Nigam! .... yeah if you're a jazz musician in India I guess that's what you gotta do to keep the wolf from the door.

***

Somehow I've always thought of Bombay as being a city without a soul. Each for himself, God for all ... and in Bombay even the Almighty will have his work cut out. Money is what it's all about; money is who you are. And that is why the first thing everybody wants to know is what you're doing. There is a certain uneasiness in the air till that vital piece of information is out in the open. And if what you're doing is not at par with what they do, it makes their evening just a little more enjoyable. Hence there's nothing I like more than having some fun with these all work-no life types you meet practically everywhere; like I did with this investment banker chap I was introduced to last Friday.

Hello SwB, nice to meet you. So what do you do?

Oh nothing much ... I just laze around all day listening to jazz and surfing the internet.

After a pause to see if I was joking or serious -- So who's your favourite jazz star?

Hmm... my jazz stars, let see - Brad Mehldau Trio, George Benson, the Marsalis brothers... so many.

Never heard of them. Do you like Dave Bru-back?

Oh yeah, Bru-back (actually it's Brubeck) ... he's pretty good. Take-6 is my favourite.

Hmm... I've only heard Take-5 (that's because there is no Take-6, buddhu!)

But I actually felt sorry for those guys up there on stage giving it their all, because they were playing for an audience that knows as much about jazz as your maid-servant knows about the ballet. But they have the bucks so all is forgiven.

***

Number of friends on Orkut is increasing - 5 now; and I know there are lots of people quietly popping in to view my profile -- sneaky little buggers! :) Some of you asked why I choose to remain anon. Well, anon. is always better I think. Read in the papers couple of days back that employers are now doing Google searches on prospective employees. Bludy dangerous stuff, that - imagine losing out on a job opportunity just because someone doesn't quite like what he finds out about you online. Those overpaid HR scoundrels must be rubbing their hands in glee ... nothing like getting paid for digging up dirt on people!

O.K. Listen to the title track on Trane's Blues; I guarantee you'll love it. It may sound familiar because some idiot DJ did a remix version of it some time ago ... given a chance they'll remix the bludy national anthem.

Peace, love, and a slow train to ecstasy.

World Cup 2006 is here. I don't know why but these days big sporting events like the World Cup and the Olympic Games seem to come up at intervals that seem a lot shorter than 4 years. I remember how it was when we were in school - one World Cup the Blues was a little baccha in Class IV and by the time the next one had arrived he had grown facial hair and was running after this girl called Shabnam in Class VIII - a very big jump, that.

Anyway, being Goan one feels kind of obligated to root for Portugal ... or at the least Brazil because they speaka-da-same language. I think I'd prefer Brazil, because like I say: the only thing the Portuguese did in Goa was build hundreds of Churches and change every second persons name to D'Souza.

***

My buddy Ally called up last night sounding mighty jolly and all that.

What's up bro, you seem to be in good spirits.

Yes dude, after I read about Orkut on your blog, I made a profile and... kya bolneka yaar, jindagi badal gaya!

Oh, what happened?

Chicks, dude - CHICKS! There are bleddy thousands of them just waiting to be contacted ... and Bombay girls toh, don't talk - too many!

But how'd you manage to make so many friends so soon? I still have just a couple.

Boss, the chicks won't come to you - you have to go to them. And guess what is my nickname? ... Clint Westwood!

LOL ... Clint Westwood??

Damn cool, no? Because everyone says I look like him ... and bleddy Aloysius Lobo sounds so boring.

But these girls, they're probably only interested in online friendships, right ... they can't be wanting to get serious and all that?

Dude which world are you living in? Girls are bleddy desperate these days - there are very few good guys; that's why this Orkut is such a goldmine. And by now you should know that females never say what they really want -- friendship-friendship bolte rehte but actually they want to have your babies!

Hmm… I wonder what Pudding will say when she finds out you've been looking at greener pastures?

Arre Pudding ko maro goli! You think she is not looking for greener pastures? I'm telling you she must have already grazed and come back.

Well, good luck to you then. Hope you find your true soulmate.

I'm telling you, this Orkut is your last chance .... If you don't do something now you will end up bleddy kuvara.

But approaching girls in this way seems kinda cheap, doesn't it?

Dude why don't you understand - they want you to approach them!! And what bleddy cheap you're talking about? Your pop hasn’t left you millions that the babes are going to throw themselves on you!

Yeah, but I'm sure there are hundreds of guys better qualified, better looking than me.

Arre aisa nahin sochneka bhai - just think you're a banana! You've heard that joke, no? ... What did the banana say to the vibrator?

What?

... What are you shaking for? She's gonna eat me!

for Dee

those days
when we were young and free
a distant memory
for you and me

these days
it's all the same
they won't let us play
if it's not their game

Now let me get this straight -- Is Mr. Yash Chopra indirectly admitting that all Bollywood films are crap, and that the only thing the Hindi film industry is doing is making the public chutia?? Going by what he said in an interview with CNN-IBN it sure as hell seems like it to me.

"I feel the greatest need today is for ideas. Someone called it complete intellectual bankruptcy. Now people are coming with new ideas but for such a big country we don't have good writers, we don't have scripts. The greatest need for our film industry is stories, scripts and actors. Only then can we make good films".

Yeah I know. The old bugger must have been very drunk when he did that interview. And he doesn't stop there. On the present-day brand of filmi gaana, he says:

"On the music side, I think we have lost the soul. There is no soul in music now. (Earlier) people used to write meaningful lyrics from the heart," he said.

Hmmm... wonder what topiwalla Reshammiya would have to say to that. If you ask me someone should file a PIL in the Bombay High Court seeking a complete ban on topiwalla's music for causing extreme public nuisance ... in addition to damage to people's hearing.

***

Caught some of the action at the French Open last evening. It's great to see my sweetheart Martina Hingis winning again. Women's tennis has been quite dull ever since she and Anna Kournikova quit playing ... though Maria Sharapova has managed to bring a little colour to the game. So what did you guys think of her pink ballerina type outfit with the yellow knickers ... very nice, yes? And boy does she hit the ball hard ... she sure takes that make every shot a powershot business of hers very seriously!

As for our Sania, what can I say - the kid has got to lose the excess baggage. She was quite clearly struggling to get from one side of the court to the other. And those bazoomers are not helping.

.... But Sania would make an excellent model for Canon, don't you think :) ... and if one of our desi advertising agencies was given the job, I bet we'd see Sania hitting a powerful forehand winner and saying triumphantly: Don't just take a shot, fire your Canon!

BFN.

I'm sure most of you Bombayvasi's must have read the Mumbai Mirror story last Friday about the 24 year-old girl who fell off a local train and lost her arm (the article is no longer available online but a Google cached version exists here). What was more saddening is the fact that she was to leave with her parents for Haryana the same evening to get married on the 28th.

Now like me, most people reading about the incident must have gone 'oh that is so sad!' following which 24 year-old girl who lost her arm is forgotten, her story being filed away somewhere in the archives of our mind.

Reason I'm talking about this is because this whole thing of one unfortunate second changing a persons life forever is something I find really scary. So what do you reckon will happen to that girl then? Will the guy marry her ... will any guy marry her? Will she somehow be able to live a normal life ... and the most important: will she ever be happy again?

Probably the most difficult question to find an answer to -- Why me?

***

On the reservation debate that seems to have occupied the nation-- Well, I'm not sure which side to take, really ... in fact I'd even say I'm neutral. It's kinda like the clogging in the Mithi river that runs through Bombay (one of the main culprits in last years flooding, which in most places doesn't even remotely resemble a bludy river - more like a industrial toxic-waste dump if you ask me). To put it very simply -- what goes in must come out. The problem though is that what comes out is usually very foul in comparison to what went in. And that to me is what has happened with the caste-system (which we're still not terribly keen to shake off) and the ensuing reservation problem.

***

On Fanaa-- Haven't seen it yet, but I must say I find it quite silly that so many people are going to watch the movie (in spite of the shit reviews) only to see Aamir and Kajol. Now what I'm thinking is this: if there is indeed such a hunger to see them together, then instead of spending so many crores making a rubbish movie, why not get Aamir and Kajol to sit in the back of an open car and parade them through every major city in the country (except maybe in Gujarat of course) ... Not a bad idea, yes?

Peace, love, and lots more where that came from.

I was a fool to think
you'd always be there
like the sand on the beach

.... I was a bigger fool
for trying to stop you
slipping through my fingers
like the sand on the beach

Two words I utterly detest: Anything & Whatever. Take for example you're at a restaurant with a friend.

So, what would you like to eat?

Anything

In that case you might want to go to the lavatory and help yourself to some SHIT! It's free!

Or, your friend is upset over something and you're trying your best to cheer the blighter up by treating him to a nice meal.

Try the Spicy Chicken Shashlik. You'll love it ... they make it very well.

Whatever

How 'bout I shove a live chicken up your rear-end, you ungrateful turd! That'll lift your spirits!

Now do you see what I mean ... how these two words can really irritate a person. Anyway, this is just something I wanted to get off my chest.

***

Such a big noise over The Da Vinci Code. Have to say I'm pretty disappointed with the Catholic leadership in this country though ... they seem to be quite unsure as to where they stand/what they want. If you want the bludy thing banned, then don't rest until you've achieved it. But starting off with such vehement opposition and then timidly settling for a disclaimer at the start of the movie will only result in your protests not being taken seriously the next time something like this happens. And what about the faithful who heeded your call and went about fasting until death and took out signature campaign's and morcha's in the gruelling Bombay heat - they must be feeling like a bunch of idiots.

You want Dan Brown killed, no problem. For the right reward I'm sure you'll find quite a few youngsters from I.C. Colony, Borivali more than willing to do the job. Or how about kidnapping Tom Hanks and leaving him on a deserted island in the middle of nowhere with only a copy of The Da Vinci Code for company? ... and that French chick - I say put her on a diet of snails till she starts to grow a shell. Whatever it is - decide what you want to do and get it done, dammit!

***

Thanks again for all the blogversary wishes. You guys are the best .... And you girls are so sweet, given the chance I'd want to date every one of you!

BFN.

Freedom's just another word
for nothing left to lose

Can we ever be free? Free of this world and all that it demands of us - day after day, year after year ... lifetime after lifetime? There is always something left to lose; something we want to cling to because we're too damn afraid of what will happen if we let go.

Richard Bach once wrote: "When you come to the edge of all the light you have known, and are about to step out into darkness, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen: There will be something to stand on, or you will be taught to fly."

***

Blues Over Troubled Waters is now in its fourth year. Long time, no? And this year I forgot all about the blogversary (May 11). I want to thank all of you lovely people for being part of this most wonderful experience. My apologies for the vanishing posts and for not replying to comments - that's something I'm very bad at.

Peopel often ask me how I do what I do, especially with regard to them picture-posts. Well, if I were Kaavya Vishwanathan I'd be able to tell you. But I'm not, so I can't ... though I find it quite amusing that some of you think I'm a girl. Do I sound like a girl?

I don't remember who it was that once said to me: 'Thank you, SwB ... you have touched many lives'

... Again, what can I say? You're welcome.

Peace, love, and false prophets.