I discovered something about myself today. I was sitting in one of those Pure-veg Udipi type restaurants having a sev batata puri and chai with my cousin Q (who is a 6'2" giant) when the table next to us got occupied by a guy and what appeared to be his girlfriend. Almost as soon as they were seated, the girl started talking - loud enough for us to hear. And she talked non-stop ... something about how she's always been over-emotional (since childhood, that too) and how she gets hurt easily and such bla-bla bullshit. To make matters worse, she had the most irritating voice. How that guy could sit across that table from her and patiently listen to that crap is something unbelievable. Yeah, I bet she must be making him really good coffee :)

And then it hit me -- I can't relate to women that much anymore, I just can't. No, I'm not turning gay; I like women, but the problem is most of the time they drive me bludy insane. Given a choice between going out for drinks with the guys and a romantic candlelight dinner (ewww!) with a girl, I know I will definitely pick the former.

I guess it's got something to do with the fact that most of the dames I've encountered over the years (and some of them were real namunas) had one thing in common: their conversations were terribly boring; and most of the time they'd be yapping about themselves - about how they were like this or like that, and how much they loved whatever it is they frikkin' loved, or how adorable their bludy pets were!

Anyway, that's what I discovered about myself today -- I'm not a woman guy. Now the problem is: how does a non-woman guy like me put up with a woman? And is there really something wrong with me, or is it just that I haven't met my kinda girl yet? ... Dammit, where is my Janis Joplin?

***

The onset of summer means it's time for our annual dose of those soft-drink 'ads that drive you mad'. First off the blocks this season was Coke with Aishwarya Rai and her Thande ka Tadka (will someone please tell me what that means - my Hindi ain't that good). I did a little web search just now to find out what exactly this ad was trying to convey and came across this:

Coca-Cola India V.P. (Marketing) Vikas Gupta said, "The youth of today is rearing to take on the world. They are smart, energetic, focused, and confident enough to transform their aspirations into reality. Coca Cola’s Thande ka Tadka campaign connects instantly with this evolved persona. The campaign ad features Aishwarya in a totally new avatar. She uses emotions like wit and humor and encourages us all to take control of one’s life without being intimidated."

I think Mr. Vikas Gupta would be an excellent candidate for the Great Indian Laughter Challenge, don't you? Because I'd say the last thing any youth rearing to take on the world needs in his system is bludy shakkar-paani containing pesticide.

Then today I saw the Mirinda ad with a punchline that goes "Karo mouth ka good use" (LOL - that should definitely win the Golden Chooha at Cannes this year). If you ask me "Karo brains ka kuch use" is what we should be saying to the people who came up with that piece of brilliance!

And will we see Shahrukh in another Pepsi ad soon? I can hardly wait ... Nothing more fun that doing spoofs of King Khan and his Queen K-K-K-Karan.

***

Well - it seems Carol's wardrobe malfunction clip is now busy doing the rounds via MMS. Our man Ally should be mighty pleased to hear that. But I doubt it will bother Carol too much. I heard her say on NDTV that she she don't give a damn what popped out and what stayed in. Hell, now Carol's my kinda girl .... If only I looked like bludy Upen Patel!

Peace, love, and the beauty to go with the brains.

what I am
what I want
what I dream
what I deserve
don't matter no more

the world is my pimp
and I am its whore

So, we had Nipplegate India at the Lakme Fashion Week yesterday. But I thought good ol' Carol Gracias handled her so-called wardrobe malfunction pretty well. My buddy Ally though is very angry with the news channels.

Bleddy shit dude, can you believe how those news buggers censored that part? This is a democratic country and we all have a right to see Carol's tits!

But what if Carol does not want us to see them?

Dude, what Carol wants does not matter. Everybody over there saw it ... I'm telling you, that bleddy Prannoy Roy must have seen that clip hundred times yesterday! So how dare they censor it when they're showing it to us!

Well, it's not such a big thing really; you've seen how often models walk the ramp topless at fashion shows abroad. In fact I think it's good that it happened; now designers here won't have to worry too much when they design something flimsy or revealing.

But that's what I'm saying dude - nothing is being revealed to us!

What is the big deal, man? They're just tits - everybody has them.

Now you please don't marao that Notting Hill ka dialogue! ... Bleddy Pudding is fida over that chutia Hugh Grant.

Yeah, he's quite a heartthrob.

Dude I'm telling you, we should pack off all our girls to those western countries and bring those firang chicks here. See how bindaast they are - no bleddy nakras like our dames. And everything happens so fatafat: boy asks girl for a date, girl happily says yes, date khattam ho gaya he drops her home, then they have a slightly awkward moment at her doorstep ... and then she says the magic word!

...which is?

COFFEE dude! Would you like to come in for coffee? Coffee = sex, don't you know? And that's it - mission accomplished. Here we have to fight a bleddy Vietnam War just to get laid!

Yeah well, things are different here.

Exactly. So if our dames like white buggers and we like white dames, then why not exchange? That way everybody's happy.

You and your brilliant ideas! Anyway, I feel kinda bad for Carol. It would have been a lot more fun if it was Preity Zinta or someone.

Arre baaap! ... haan yaar, Preity's zintas would have rocked the nation. Sonia Gandhi could have quietly taken back her resignation and nobody would have known!

LOL, yeah she could have. You can be quite funny at times, you know Ally.

Sense of humour, dude ... chicks love it! OK I'll ask you riddle: Why is a fashion-show ramp also called a runway?

I'm not sure. Why??

Because if you sit too close to the babes, your plane will take off!!

they say the mirror
never lies

... though sometimes it just
makes up the truth

tell me Master
is it true
that it is I
who hold the strings
and not You?

maybe
this life
is not what I was meant for

maybe
I was meant
for better things

... or maybe
I was meant
for nothing at all

fate
most cruel
took you from me

leaving behind a picture
that refuses to fade

we all need
a wind beneath our wings

... those of us especially
who cannot fly.

Every tear you cry
fills an ocean
in which one day
I will drown.

International Women's Day 2006

for Baby

you only truly love somebody
when both sides of the coin
look exactly the same