I wonder what goes through the mind of a person who faces the prospect of a very long prison sentence. Like Abu Salem. He'll have plenty of time to think about what he's done - the mistakes; the errors in judgment; the foolishness. And surely he knew what the consequences of his actions would be, ultimately - so why'd he do it?

Was he mad ... or just misguided?

And how many of the decisions we make in our lives are the result of being misguided? Should we be put away too ... or are we excused because our mistakes didn't hurt anybody but ourselves?

***

They say that when a person is confined to a tiny cell, he tends to move around a lot more than he would have, had he been confined in a larger enclosure.

The same is also true of the mind, I guess. When there are fewer options, you start to get more innovative.

***

I got thinking about Victor today. I will never forget Victor. He is probably the only person I have been mean to in my entire life. And I remember it like it happened yesterday. We were both in Class 1 at the Holy Name High School, Wodehouse Road (Bombay). It was short recess and there was a long line at the canteen, and I wanted me a packet of those multi-colored badishap sweets. Not wanting to waste my time waiting in the queue, I spotted Victor hanging around. So I made him a deal. If he went to the canteen and got me those sweets, I'd share half of it with him. He was a poor boy, that Victor, and so the prospect of getting half a packet of those for free was too good to resist. So he goes to the canteen, stands in line, and after what seemed like ages comes back with the goods. And what do I do - I take the sweets from him and tell him to get lost. And he was smaller than me, so he couldn't start a fight.

It's been so many years since that day, but I still remember that look on his face. He trusted me ... and I cheated him.

The victims may forget, but never the perpetrators.

Peace, love, and a chance to say you're sorry.

It's happened again! What is it with these Bombay police constables doing nasty things to little girls .... well, not so little, but still. I say the Police Commissioner should work out a deal with the brothel owners in the city to let his men have a session once or twice every month (or every week if the urge is that intense) with the ladies at discounted rates! At least that way the rag-pickers will be able to go about their business in peace.

***

Read in the ET today that Coca-Cola India's bank accounts have been attached by the Income Tax Dept. (those IT guys sure have lot of fun, I tell you). Coke, apparently, has spent more than what appears reasonable on advertising and marketing (and tried to claim everything as genuine business expense making it eligible for deduction). Well, I'm sure they have .... how much did they pay Rhithik that time - 7 crores?

What a waste! But why do these companies think we'll buy their rubbish just because some filmistar is endorsing it? Beats me.

***

My sweetheart Angelina is slated to be the new Bond babe! Hell yeah! And I say they should have made Brad (Pitt) the naya Bond, not that weird looking Limey.

But don't you think our man Rhithik would have made a terrific Bond .... his deadly dance moves would be enough to drive away the bad guys - no need for any fancy gadgets or fortified BMW's. Think of all the money MI6 would save!

BFN.

I've always enjoyed reading everything Sonia's written, but her recent series of articles on the lives of Bombay's dance-bar girls, who are now being abused more than they ever were, are simply outstanding. I think everyone should read this.

My cousin Q was telling me what a huge nuisance these girls have become in Goa. They are everywhere, he says. To make matter worse, they pose as tourists and look and dress like regular girls making it very tough to recognize them, hence the Goa police find themselves in quite a fix.

.... Which goes to show that you cannot solve a problem simply by making it go away. But was it really a problem for the city of Mumbai - having these girls doing what they do? I ask this because our man Q tells me that in Goa it is not the Goans who are utilising their services - it is mostly their former patrons from Mumbai .... who are now forced to travel 600 kilometers only because their favourite source of entertainment has gone south!

They say that behind everything the poiliticians do, there is a motive - a hidden agenda designed to benefit only themselves. In this case I wonder what it could be.

***

CiW's latest post talks of something quite intriguing - it seems the Navratri festivities also serve as a means, or as a front, I should say, for people to get some "action". Well, well, well ... who would have thought?

.... And to think the cultural police say things like Valentines Day are detrimental to our culture/values.

all you need is love, love
love is all you need

***

Ran into my buddy Ally yesterday evening. He was quite flattered when I told him that I've seen links to this blog that read "Ally & Blues"

Says he's doing everything possible to convince Sandra's folks that he's the right guy for their daughter, but old man Dias will only settle for someone who is in The Gulf or in Canada/Australia/New Zealand, if not the US. The fact that he's probably earning more at his call-centre than many of our buggers in Dubai is immaterial.

And he's very disappointed at not getting a chance to be on KBC-2 ... the money would have tilted things in his favour with Sandra's pop. I guess he's just got shit luck like me

But can you imagine our man Ally on KBC?

Big B: Pehla sawaal, ek hazaar rupiyan ke liya. Are you ready Ally?
Ally: I'm ready dude.
Big B: Which of these body parts do women usually not wax -- (A) Arms (B) Legs (C) Back (D) Buttocks?
Ally: *somewhat confused* Mein lifeline use karenga - Phone a friend!
Big B: Theek hai, Computerji, Sandra Dias ko phone laga dijiye.

... tring, tring ...

Sandra: Hullo...
Big B: Hello, is this Sandra Dias? Namaste, main Amitabh Bachchan bol raha hoon - Kaun Banega Crorepati se. Mere samne hot-seat mein aapka dost Ally baita hai , and he needs your help. Agli awaaz aap Ally ki sunenge. You have only 30 seconds, your time starts - now.
Ally: Pudding, which of these body parts....
Sandra: Buttocks!
Ally: Are you sure sweety?
Sandra: Of course I'm sure yaar!
Ally: ...arre, but I remember once you told me you-
Sandra: Just shut your gob and lock buttocks, fool!
Ally: OK dude, it's buttocks.
Big-B: Computerji, buttocks ko taala laga dijiye. Right answer! Aap ek hazaar jeet gaye!

*Applause*

Big-B: Doosra sawaal, teen hazaar rupayon ke liye - Which of these states was declared the Number One state in India by India Today magazine: (A) Karnataka (B) Punjab (C) Goa (D) Maharashtra?
Ally: Goa, Goa!!
Big-B: Are you sure? ... confident? ... lock karoon? You still have two lifelines left.
Ally: Just lock it dude, my Goa is bleddy Number One!
Big-B: Computerji, please aap Goa ko taala lagao. Ohhhhh, I'm so sorry Ally, but that is the wrong answer. It is Punjab.
Ally: What shit man??? how can it be - bleddy balle-balle buggers! Impossible ... tera computer main virus hai kya?
Big-B: But why did you say Goa of all places? ... Aisa kya hai Goa main?
Ally: You said Number One, dude -- in Goa the booze flows like piss!

Big-B: I think I definitely need a break from this.

The truth is that life is hard and dangerous;
that he who seeks his own happiness does not find it;
that he who is weak must suffer;
that he who demands love, will be disappointed;
that he who is greedy, will not be fed;
that he who seeks peace, will find strife;
that truth is only for the brave;
that joy is only for him who does not fear to be alone;
that life is only for the one who is not afraid to die.

- Joyce Carey

blow out the candles
wish for something nice

... how about another
roll of the dice?

I'm not asking for a lot.

Does it cost you so much
to give me so little?

Does it really??

... or are you simply
out of change.

Goddamned Kolhapuri missal! - had me out of action for the better part of three days .... you want to clean out your system, do it cheap with a plate of bludy missal - only 12 bucks! And a damn good job it does too. Reminds me of those days when my mother used to force a spoonful of castor-oil down our throats .... man, that was so awful! I tell you: giving your kids castor-oil should be officially declared as one form of violent child abuse, punishable with the guilty parents having to take 5 tablespoons of the damn thing themselves. That'll teach 'em!

Anyway, I'm better now. Watched KBC-2 on tele last night with my folks and JC. She treated us to kathi-kababs and tandoori chicken, and even bought me a beer. She's a good girl; if only she weren't so damn lazy.

And yesterday was the first time I watched an entire episode of KBC this season. Great Indian Warrior Chief 'Big B' looking good as usual in his Reid & Taylor. Felt real bad for the guy from Chattisgarh who looked like he'd go far, but instead ended up wasting all his lifelines on one question. You know, a little common sense can go far in situations like these .... and being a pretty intelligent guy himself, I don't know how he thought the audience and then his friend would have the answer to a question that he did not have the slightest clue to. He should just have flipped the damn thing ... audience and friend are only for things you're not completely sure about. And frankly that was a very tough question - who the hell would know that Nepal is the only country in the world that has a national flag that is not square (there are square flags?) or rectangular in shape ... seems it's triangular or something! Always were bludy weird buggers, those Nepalese!

Anyway, I'm starting to sound like Merril now. Interesting blog that, btw - quite funny that someone should take the trouble to start a blog dedicated to Warrior Chief and his crorepati's ... just lakhpati's uptil now, anyway.

But Kajol and that Devgan fellow are set to win a crore tonight. I've always liked Kajol ... not as much as I love my Nandita of course. Are all Oriyya girls dark and dusky ('earthy' is the word Pompy once used) like Nandita? Maybe I should log on to shaadi.com and find out. I hear they now have a service that delivers marriage proposals straight to your inbox ... For millions of love-lorn buggers like me, downloading their mail must never have been quite as exciting!

But isn't it something of a mystery that these celebs are always winning big money on KBC?

***

And guess what I saw during the break on KBC yesterday? Yep, yett-another Shahrukh Khan ad - this one for shakkar-paani (aka Pepsi). Seems to me like the Indian advertising industry has decided to go where no one has gone before when it comes to "creativity". What I wouldn't give to be among the brilliant minds diligently at work at JWT (Pepsi's ad agency) .... Hell! I wouldn't mind being a fly outside one of their office windows just to catch a glimpse of pure genius in operation. And I hear those creative director chaps get paid big bucks - talk about having your cake and eating it! Sigh! If wishes were horses...

So this one has our hero in the role of a snake charmer. And as you've probably guessed by now, I just couldn't resist :)

SRK dressed in snake-charmer suit doing his stuff with whatever that flute-like thing is called. A bunch of Pepsi bottles sway rhythmically to his tune. Suddenly he hears a violent, hissing noise coming from the corridor outside. The next moment he is confronted by an angry 22-foot-long giant python, but this one is unlike any python he's seen before. It's head is, well - different!

Oh s-s-SHIT!! Abbe k-k-kaun ... kya hai tu???

Then, what seems like a distant, but familiar voice is heard coming from behind.

It's me, babes.

On closer inspection, he sees none other than his good pal Karan Johar being hoisted up and down like a child's rattle by the serpents rear-end. To his horror he realizes that the python is nothing but Karan's chota bhai - a mammoth version of that very familiar appendage.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Abbe, yeh kya ... itna bada kaisa ho gaya?? K-k-kya kiya tu?

Kiya toh sab tune, bewakoof! Sapera kaun hai - main ya tu??

Lekin m-m-main toh sirf ... I was just ... Bubbly! ... P-P-Pepsi! ... laundiyan ke kapde uttarne ko-

Haan-haan, lekin itna jor se kyoon bajaya, nalayak! ... tune mere saanp ko bhi neend se utha diya!

K-K-Karan, please usko andar daal do, yaar ... bahut hi khatarnaak dikhta ha!!

Now there is only one way, babes - tumhe isko satisfy karna padenga!

S-S-SATISFY!! ... Pagal ho gaye ho kya? Isko satisfy kiya toh ek mahine ke liye utna-baitna mushkil ho jayenga ... p-p-please Karan, kuch toh karo yaar!!

By now our hero is so stricken by fear, he's gone and wet himself.

Hahahaha, kya baat hai! - peeta Pepsi aur chhodta Mountain Dew! Chalo theek hai babes, this time main isko andar daalta hoon - but say the magic words first.

D-D-Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge?

Abbe gaddhe, tu abhi kuch lene ki baat mat kar! Lene wala hoon sirf main - Teri!

Oh, Stop it Karan - please!! *howling uncontrollably*

Kya tu bhi bacche ke tarah ro raha hai - shame on you! .... Next time don't forget the magic words OK; everybody knows it. Come on, say it with me: "Kabhi Pussy - Kabhi Bum"

Things I did today after a long, long time

-- ate Kolhapuri missal ... the bludy thing was dynamite! My innards are still making funny noises.

-- travelled by public transport. Saw a guy trying to feel-up some chicks' ass ... and actually found it funny. Yeah, I know - I'm a brute like the rest of them.

Aare behen, bus mein itna tight, chaddi-dikhane-wala jeans-pant mat pehna karo!

And waiting at the bus stop brought back memories of Avi (my very first colleague in my very first job) and the time I made the fellow run to catch a moving bus, not knowing he suffered from bludy asthma. After a brief sprint we made it into the bus, but by then he was gasping for breath and making very frightening wheezing noises, and everybody (including me) thought the guy was having a heart attack. The bus being packed to capacity, the conductor (last thing he wanted was someone kicking it in his bus) made me carry him out at the next stop ... but thank God for those asthma pumps - they're a lifesaver.

My thoughts were interrupted by an elderly man waiting next to me who picked up a conversation (why can't people just mind their own business?) and looked like he wanted to find out every damn thing there is to know about yours truly - even asking my age! Maybe he's got a daughter he wants to pack off in a hurry.

Anyhow, to my bad luck (as always!) he turned out to be some kind of evangelist and was mighty glad to learn I was Christian ... though the thought of pretending to be a maniac Shiv-Sainik did cross my mind. I hate bludy evangelists, and he seemed to guess I wasn't interested in anything he had to say, but he proceeded to tell me a story anyway. You gotta hand it to these guys - they never give up! One of these dudes could have done for Jesus the work of all 12 apostles

So this is the story: A guy goes to the Lord and says, "my cross is too damn heavy - please give me a lighter one". The Lord says, "sure, no problem," and then shows him to a room full of crosses and asks him to pick whichever he liked. The guy looks around and after finding all the other crosses way too big and heavy, picks up a tiny one lying near the doorway. "I'll take this one Lord, he says, mighty thrilled". The Lord looks at him and smiles. "My son, that was the one you brought with you

Kaisa bewakoof aadmi tha - khudh ka cross nahin pehchaan saka!

But I didn't say anything. Fortunately for me, I was saved from another story by the arrival of our bus. Standing precariously on the footboard was so much fun!

***

This blog had 182 (one hundred and eighty two!) visitors yesterday. What I'd like to know is: Who the hell are all these people? For a boring place like this, that's a hell of a lot I must say. And even if you take away the one's who came hoping to see little Sania Mirza's bazoomers, and the people I know, that leaves a lot of silent visitors.

And talking of Sania, I say the girl should forget about slogging it out on the tennis courts, and instead just do a center-spread for Playboy magazine, which I reckon should sell, what - 300 million copies in India alone? Playboy might even shift base to Hyderabad! She'll make Playmate of the Century for sure ... and the Sharapova's of this world will wonder what the hell they did wrong.

It seems her celebrity brand-rating has even surpassed that of our big cricketing heroes. Hmmm.... looks like the boys will now have think seriously about performing on the field rather than off it.

And I bet she could give many of our over-paid filmstars a run for their money too. Did you guys catch that Shahrukh Khan Lux soap ad on TV? I say they should have put bum-boy Karan Johar in that bathtub with him ... and targeted the homo's!

SRK and KJ together in bathtub with a bunch of lovely maidens fussing over them.

K-K-K-K-Karan, paani mein susu mat karo yaar, please - it's unhygienic! Tujhe pata hain na, bathtub mein swimming-pool jaisa filter nahin hain, phir bhu tu-

Oh, shut-up bitch! My pee is very clean OK ... I only drink mineral water, not like you - Devdas kahin ka! And what is there if you get a little dirty sometimes ... Main hoon na - tera LUX ;)

Interrupted by the maidens bending down to throw rose petals into the tub, our hero fails to notice that KJ has quietly disappeared underwater ... that is until he feels the barracuda biting the bait.

K-K-K-K-KARAN!!! Abbe kya kar rahe ho?? Stop it ok!! I told you Gauri doesn't like... Karan, not now, please! ... KARAN! Kar-aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Bas-turd!!

The barracuda emerges, joyfully nuzzling his face against our hero's smooth-silken chest.

Now wasn't that good babes :) ... Come on, say it with me: "Nothing-sux-like-LUX!"

rain comes down
pitter-patter

quenching, invigorating
dislocating, destroying

... like the love
that once drenched me

For a change I thought it would be nice to talk in the adulterated version of the English language made popular by our TV channels, which is fast becoming the unofficial national language of the country.

Pope Benedict XVI ka kehna hai ki we Catholics should have more babies. Apparently he feels it is "for the good of society". And though he went on to say that "having children is a gift that brings life and well-being to society" we know all too well what his cleverly camouflaged message to his flock is -- "Outnumber them before they outnumber us, godammit!"

Well, mujhe lagta hai ki most Catholics would be only too happy to oblige His Holiness, but what about the extra kharcha, boss? Bills kaun pay karega? Idhar toh gaadi mein petrol bhar-bhar ke I've become fully kangaal, and now he wants us to have more children! No-no, nothing doing - the Vatican will have to take up the responsibility and support us financially.

And more children will not be possible without more wives, hai na? Hum expect kaise kar sakte hai ki one girl should go through the rigours of childbirth again and again ... poor things! they are not machines, you know. Nahin yaar, chaar-paanch biwiyan toh lagenge. And they should also throw in something like that Musalmann log ka Triple Talaq. Kya mazaa aayega boss! .... Don't mess with me darling or I'll talaq your ass outta here!

Hang on folks ... my buddy Aloysius Lobo (aka Ally, who still thinks he's Portugese ) wants to say something.

.... But seriously dude, doesn't he sound like Heini saying that??

Yeh Heini kaun hai bhai?

Aare, woh Nazi black-shirt walla, dude - Heinrich Himmler ... you didn't go to bleddy school or what? He was Hitler's chief of the Schutzstaffel - pyaar se they were known as the SS ... no connection to Shiv Sena. He was responsible for the massacre of over 5 million jews in those camps at Auschwitz, Dachau and Buchenwald ... aare, what a bugger he was, I tell you!

Haan haan, uss badmaash ka naam suna hai. Yeah I guess Once a Nazi, always a Nazi. Saala! Pope ko abhi "Heil Hitler" bolna padega!

Not Hitler, duffer - Ratzinger!

Yes, yes I know yaar ... "Pope Joseph Ratzinger" kitna accha sound karta hai na? ... ekdum Nazi General jaisa!

Aare but dude, my dame Sandra will kick my backside man, if I talk about having more than one wife .... these modern girls bhi na, they bleddy want every damn thing, and we buggers have to slog like kutta's. Even daaru they don't want us to drink ... cigarette piya toh they threaten to leave us only. I say the Vatican should issue a Pontifical Decree allowing, no-no in fact insisting on polygamy. Then see how their bleddy tails become straight!

But you know Ally bhai, I think ki this Pope is a very chalaak fellow yaar ... dekh na, if this more babies walla thing is implemented, we'll end up killing teen panchiyan with one patthar - three birds with one stone!

What bleddy three birds are you talking about dude? ... for me handling one chick only is such a big headache!

No-no, see: if he permits polygamy, women toh sab line main aa jayenge; we will be ekdum khush because jabhi chahe we can talaq them if they start to khau our brains; and, all the kharcha will be sambhalofied by the Church!

Wah Blues! you're a genius man bugger!

Yeah, yeah! Chal, I gotta go ... Millee serial ka time ho gaya. Tu Millee watch karta hai kya? Sahi main yaar, har aadmi ke paas aisa posh housemaid rehna mangta, what say?

Hey dude, I don't see all this Millee-Billee hindi crap .... You watched Sania's match or what yesterday? Aare, she showed that pasta-eater Maria whatshername what our bleddy hot Indian curry can do ... those balls were going to the bottomline like bleddy missiles, man ! Just see, woh semifinals mein definitely aa jayegi.

It's called baseline yaar, not bottomline!

Whatever dude! ... Chalo, catch you later man bugger. Heil Ratzinger!

*click of heels* Heil Ratzinger!