Mahesh Lunch Home was a disappointment. Yes, we could not afford to eat the lobster. No, not the tiger prawns either. All we ate was squid for starters, humble fish-curry rice and clams. No dessert, thank you. But if they couldn't get that right, I don't see myself paying big money for anything else they got on the menu. Start with the squid. I want to meet the cook - dude you do not know the first f'ing thing about how to cook squid. Learn from my Aunty Leena, since my mother ain't that good at it herself. It's all in the marination. Leave it there couple hours and then slow cook it. Don't just get it out of the fridge, toss it into a batter, deep fry and serve. I might as well eat French fries. Fish curry - here again, you gotta use fresh coconut, not the canned variety which makes the curry look like a new shade of Asian Paints. My mother can make better fish curry in her sleep. Two miserable slices of surmai in curry that had no damn taste.

You see that's the difference between the Mangaloreans and the Goans. The Mangaloreans being the clever buggers they are can take a humble eatery and turn it into a household name through some slick marketing. And the last people they are catering to are the Mangaloreans themselves. So you will find folk from other communities (who don't/can't cook fish at home) coming away licking their lips and spreading the word to all and sundry. Before you know it Mahesh is THE place to go for seafood.

With the Goans on the other hand, a humble eatery will remain a humble eatery for generations. Case in point is the City Kitchen at Ballard Estate. Speaking from the last time I went there, which was years ago, you will find so many flies in the vicinity of your table that you just want to gobble up your food (which they say is still quite good) and make a dash for it before one of them decides to end it's life in your curry. They just don't care - the owners, not the flies. To hell with the whole dining experience. I'm sure the decor (actually there isn't any) hasn't changed since the day it opened and the waiters could do with a crash course or two. But most importantly, it never seemed to have occurred to them that there were a whole bunch of people besides the Goans (rich wealthy types there for the taking) who'd fancy a bit of fish-curry and other seafood now and then and are willing to pay good money for it, provided it is served in clean comfortable surroundings. And that is where the Mangies cast their nets - literally. End result is places like Mahesh.

The clams were ok. I reckon they were priced so cheap cuz most people either don't know what they are or don't now how to eat them. In Konkani we call them tisrio - the poor man's seafood. And as far as I know there's only one way to eat them. With your tongue. Yeah you gotta hold that shell up straight with two fingers near the entrance to your mouth and scoop out the flesh with your tongue, going from the bottom up (obviously!). For some reason the dame at the next table was looking at me kinda weird when I was demonstrating this technique to my friend. Maybe it reminded her of something else, I don't know.

Show-offs sitting some tables away asked to see the days catch. So out came the tiger prawns on a platter, and lobsters that looked like they'd been dead for days, and a big fat pomfret that looked like it had another pomfret in it's belly. All in all a waste of money. I'll give it one star out of five. Punju dames sitting right behind us were bludy hot!

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Old lady Madonna turns 50 today. And being not that young myself I remember what a phenomenon she was mid-late 80's. She and Wacko Jacko ruled the roost then. Which again had more to do with slick marketing than anything else. Today's also the day the King left us ... if he did actually leave us.

So which is your fav Elvis number? Always on my mind is the one I like the most, sung here by the great Willie Nelson. For Sonz ... hope you're doin' ok. Sorry I haven't emailed or called.