And then you see a face. So young, so fresh, so full of life. Which is everything you once were and are not anymore. The twinkle in the eye, the joy in the laughter, energy that can illuminate your soul. And when she sang, it was like a choir of angels had descended from the heavens to enthrall you.

What really does age teach us anyway? To savour every moment and make the most of it. But now there is so little left to savour.

***

It can be quite a dilemma not knowing what it is that will make you happy. No knowing what to go after.

Carly Simon. Don't know why but I just feel like listening to this right now. Used to play a lot on the radio back in Bahrain. Sometimes I want to go back there. Perhaps I will discover something I knew a long time ago and forgot.

I heard the mobile ring in my pocket and pulled over to the side of the road to take it. When I saw it was my mum calling I knew what it was. The news we all knew was coming. She was gone. Nearly ten years of suffering, operation after operation, the diabetes, the wounds that wouldn't heal, finally it was over. If I had gone to Goa for Christmas I'd have met her one last time, but it wasn't to be. On the phone couple of weeks ago all she kept saying was that she was praying for me. That's what grandmothers do most I guess - pray.

I couldn't hold back the tears, right there on the road. Did she have a good life I wondered? It was a tough life, that's for sure. Those were the days when girls were married off at 18 or 20, and had to make the best of the future that was on offer. There were very few choices. Given that I'd say she had a better life than many others.

Death and suffering is something I always find myself running away from. I know I would have gone for the funeral had it not come at such a bad time. But it's like one of the guys from the office in Zuerich said to me - for things such as these there's never a good time.

Memories keep flooding in ... things she used to say to us when we were kids, the way she could understand everything we said in English without being able to speak a word of the language herself, and of course all those summer holidays in the big house up on the hill that was built brick by brick. It won't be the same without her when we go back there next month, my brother and I, but we must go back. Not so much to relive the memories as to say thank you.

like two sparrows in a hurricane
trying to find their way
the world says they'll never make it
but love says they will

I can understand why the women involved in the Juhu molestation incident don't want to come forward and file charges. The press will have a field day and the women would get more media coverage than perhaps Shahrukh would if he danced naked on the street outside Mannat. Because what was a harrowing experience for the two of them is entertainment for many others. If I were them I would want to be left alone too. Because nothing I do, no amount of punishment given to the perpetrators of such a dastardly act will change the way their kind think and behave. So what's the point?

I would have to agree with Sakshi when she says that the onus is on those at risk to take adequate precaution. We live in a jungle and so you have to watch out for the predators. Simple as that.

You see it everywhere here, among the educated and uneducated alike .... the hunger, the lust. The men look like they just want to maul the women, something you don't see in places like Switzerland where I was recently. The question is why ... why have we turned into such animals? And is there anything that can be done to fix it.

***

I've decided I won't go to office on weekends anymore unless absolutely necessary. We don't get paid for it so why give them more than they pay us for. A thought that struck me while having lunch in the canteen yesterday -- our dads worked till they retired, or were nearing retirement. Will we be as lucky? With most companies preferring a younger workforce, how long before they decide we're too 'old'? With no shortage of younger people willing to work for less what's going to stop them from one day giving all of us the boot? And in the Infosys's and Wipros and Accentures where there are thousands upon thousands of people who will in the next 5-10 years be considered oldies, it is indeed a scary situation.

So here I am just lazing about on a Sunday afternoon.

***

Little Anna is here ... well, not so little now, she's 15 and such a sweetheart. Seems she's gonna take over playing the keyboards in church. Yeah, I remember the time when we were three-chord musicians (hell, I still am!) ... I used to be nervous as hell. Anna's got the butterflies too I can tell, but she'll be ok.

More Smokie. Lay back in the arms of someone ... which is something I'd quite fancy a bit of right now. For Sangy on her hippo birdie. Good weekend.

O.K. 2008 Here we go. Brought in the new year doing what I do best ... sing and play my guitar at a barbeque for a bunch of drunken morons. And a couple of cute chicks. How many did I have? Can't say exactly, but the cops out on the road wouldn't need their breath analyzers to know I was pissed. The best part was nothing was planned ... in fact I was pretty sure I'd end up at one of those places where the DJ goes Shake what your mamma gave ya and people dance like they're possessed to shit that passes off for music.

But lets not get into that now. It was a good start to the year. I hope all of you had a similar good start, never mind the hangover.

Kick it off with Smokie. This one for all you guys ... and in a special way for Bun, Baby Lee, AB, Tanuja and S out there in Mississauga.

... And how can I forget Desi blogdoms first couple Ashweeta & Patrix who are now man and wife. Here's to them!



Peace, love, and a rocking hot date with '08.

I have a dream

... it is never to wake up

My Christmas tree looks like a Christmas bush. I've been nurturing it for the past three years but it seems more intent on growing sideways than upwards.

I've received a shaadi proposal from an HR girl. Now there's someone who'll ask all the right questions. Not my favourite people on earth, HR ... matter of fact I quite detest them.

I'd love to hook up with a girl in advertising actually. No seriously I would. All the ad babes I know are fun people. And we'd spend a lot of time arguing over the deplorable state of advertising in India. Saw some wonderful ads in Switzerland. Like Calida's Just feel campaign. Now that is how you advertise lingerie ... or anything for that matter -- move beyond the product. If only our desi adwallas (who for some reason live with the misconception that they're very damn creative) could pick up a thing or two from their foreign counterparts.

And I love that chick they've used ... you can see her all over Switzerland. Clicked this at Luzern station. One I like best is Just feel preferred ... wonderful thing is how every picture perfectly captures the feeling being advertised.

To me a successful ad is one that makes the viewer stop to think, unlike the mindless crap you get to see over here. And it can't get any worse than the Orbit White - cow with the yellow teeths - advert. Whichever agency came up with that needs to shut shop and get into something else.

BFN.

Q is in Goa and I'm not. Cuz yesterday I had the mother of all throat infections. Which is funny - because I feel absolutely fine now. Two rounds of self-medication with heavy antibiotics did the trick. But I went to see the doctor anyway. Just continue with what you're taking, is what he had to say. And with that I was relieved of 300 bucks.

In a way it's good that I've got a few days at home to relax. And there's lots to do besides putting up the decorations. I've just been sifting through all the hundreds and hundreds of fotos taken in Switzerland. Some of them up on Facebook for those who want to see. And this one in particular brought back some- unpleasant memories. It was the time S took us to eat sushi along with Congyu and Sebastian. And I have to say this - Never, ever, even by mistake, eat that goddamned shit. It was pure hell I tell you. I nearly cried, not to mention almost puked right there in my plate ... something that would have been a first for me.

What saved me were the strips of pickled ginger and the saki (Japanese rice wine). Every little bite I took was followed almost instantaneously by some ginger to kill the taste of raw fish and a gulp of saki to put it down. Congyu suggested I have the wasabi along with it, wasabi being something that smelled like mustard (the green paste like thing you see on the top left corner of Congyu's plate). And since I like mustard, I thought I'd give it a try. Bludy hell! - if the fish hadn't killed me this almost did. It was like someone had just shot a spray of pungent chemicals up my nose! Cursed bludy Congyu .... rotten woman wanted me dead I think. But I love her slanty eyes and those pink glasses.



Water! water! I called out to the waiter ... Sri Lankan moron who seemed to be having a good time watching me suffer. Water was brought and that was it. I was done. If this was what the Japs call food, I don't wanna see the stuff they call shit!

Anyway, so Q is in Goa and I am here. The carolers came around last night ... totally thanda singing though. And later I made the big mistake of joining my dad and others from the colony for Christmas dinner. Because suddenly from nowhere a guitar was whipped out and I was told to entertain. Community songs is what they wanted ... the kind I detest. Stuff like Bombay se aaya mera dost, so you can imagine.

dost ke liye maine ladki mangvaya
dost ke liye maine ladki mangvaya
ladki ka baap nikla dost
dost ko salaam karo!

... now what are the odds of that happening? :)

Vonda Shepard ... from Ally McBeal - Santa Baby

Are they bloomin' MAD?? is what I said when I first heard about this. One Crore! I know the Arabs are wasters, but this is crazy even for them. Would have made more sense to hire a posse of Egyptian playmates (wonder what they call them in Egypt) ... they'd have come a lot cheaper and would have provided all present with a lot more excitement than some ageing tapori filmistar.

***

Someone I talked to recently was telling me how all the couples are rushing to tie the knot before '07 is over. 2008 being a leap year is inauspicious it seems. How many of you believe that's true?

2007 has been a year of much learning for me. Big mistakes were made, one in particular that I am very sad about, because it involved a person I was so fond of and still care about very deeply. I wish things had turned out differently, but perhaps that is how they were destined to turn out. And maybe we're both better people today for what happened.

And that's what life is all about I guess -- Learn from your mistakes, leave them behind and move on. Just be careful that your next mistake is not bigger than the last one. And never hate someone for making a mistake with you. We are all human, we're bound to screw up sometime. For a long time I hated Banana for what she did to me ... so much in fact that I didn't want to see her face ever again. But I don't anymore. She did what she had to; what at the time she thought would make her happy. If I were to meet her today I'd tell her it's ok, that she doesn't need to feel bad or guilty about anything ... and that I am still thankful for all the good times we shared.

It's like Mel said recently -- sometimes you're the hurter, sometimes you're the hurtee. Problem is you don't get to decide what role you're going to play. And it's ok to be angry or bitter. But not for too long. I think the true measure of how evolved and mature a person you are is your ability to forgive.

I'd say the one thing 2007 has taught me more than anything else is that in love there are no villains ... just people who couldn't play their roles right.

***

The more I think about it the more I'm convinced that maybe I'm just not cut out to be with anyone. Because I cannot give them what they expect from me. It's too much of an effort. And I in turn want nothing from them. So if you have nothing to give and want nothing to take, why get into any kind of a relationship, is what I'm thinking.

But at the same time a part of me doesn't want to be alone. Not forever. Quite a mess innit?

This is one of the most beautiful songs ever written. Lee Ann Womack - I hope you dance. The words give hope, but the truth is that sometimes you need more than just hope to make things work.

Oh it feels so damn good. Sitting here on my brand new computer blogging the Blues. The old one decided to kick it just a day after I got back. But it had served me well ... 9 years without crashing once. Except that time I had to reformat the HD when NBZ downloaded some porn that came loaded with a hundred different viruses.

Today is my first day off since I took up the new job in July. Working my ass off I've been. In an hour or so I have to hop a bus to the big bad city for the aunts silver wedding celebrations at the Willingdon this evening. Hope they don't ask me to sing. But y'know I wouldn't mind grabbing a mic and doing a number with the band. How many months has it been since I played my guitar ... gosh I don't even remember.

Got 3.2 GB of fotos from Schweiz on my memory stick that I need to copy over. Later.

Saturday Q and I head to sunny Goa. Where my 82 year old grandmother just came out of a life threatening operation. One tough cookie she is.

And when it comes to Goa Q is the man. Having spent time on the local DJ circuit does have its benefits ... backdoor entry into some of the most rocking nightspots.

O.K. What do I play for all my lovely blogger friends? Lemme see ... ah someone wanted Scorpions. Here we go - Send me an angel. Anita was it ... Anita Rodricks? :)



Speaking of angels - Sandhya Mridul ... mwahh mwahh! She should have won that Dikhlaja shit. The girl was awesome. Someone should challenge that nonsense in the Bombay High C.

Mary, the girl who took me skiing, is gonna be here in Feb. Hope she won't want to see the bludy Taj.

BFN.

There was something about her I liked the first time she came over to our table to take our order. She had a face that could brighten up a room full of tired souls. When you're in another country on work, you try not to be too generous with the tips because the company won't reimburse that. But with Anita I didn't care. She was special. And there was something about the Pizza Blitz in Oerlikon that I really liked ... besides the pizza, that is. It was a place where you could unwind after a hard day. And when Anita was around it was that much more welcoming. So that is where I spent my last evening in Switzerland ... with a glass of Calanda and some real good pizza . When she saw me at my usual corner she waved from behind the counter saying she'd just be a minute. I remember the first time I went there. When she saw I couldn't understand a word on the menu card she came and sat down beside me, took out a pen and proceeded to translate the entire thing from German to English. That in spite of other customers waiting for her attention. Keep that with you she told me. She knew I'd be coming back.

I told her I was leaving the next morning. She asked me where I was going and then started to talk about how she'd like to visit India someday. Said she'd been to Thailand last year and loved the place. And that was why she worked the pizza joint - to save up so she could travel. I reckon that evening I gave her the biggest tip I've ever given anybody ... 10 Francs, which is what - around 350 desi bucks! But she deserved it.

And so it's back to the grind here. Sometimes I ask myself what the hell I'm working for.

***

The thought of spending Christmas in Dubai with Nine Below Zero did cross my mind, but Goa seems more likely. Q went to find out about the bus tickets this morning. I guess he's managed something.

Natalie and the Dixie Chicks. This one for Anita.